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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200921">I Will Be Home For Christmas</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacami/pseuds/Justacami'>Justacami</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blake Shelton (Musician), Gwen Stefani - Fandom, Shefani</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Christmas, F/M, Shefani - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:28:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>55,798</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28200921</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacami/pseuds/Justacami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas eve will find me<br/>Where the love light gleams<br/>I'll be home for Christmas<br/>If only in my dreams...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani, Shefani - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. It’s the most wonderful time of the year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, welcome!<br/>Tis the season to be jolly, right? So don’t mind me, this is just a Christmas story.</p>
<p>I hope you like it and have fun. More details in the end notes. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He hated the cloudy weather, the gray sky, the smell of rain and wet grass. He despised the icy breeze, the treetops glistening, the ice-covered ground. He hated the winter and the cold. And the sad part was that he used to love it all, but it had been two years since Blake could stand the idea of that place.</p><p>Truckee was a small mountain town, one of the coldest places in California. Looking back now, Blake couldn't think of a good reason why he had chosen that small town to build his forever home. Well, he couldn’t think of any reason but one. The reason he remembered very well: Gwen used to love snow. Well, it didn't matter anymore, she wasn't there, and after all that had happened, Blake needed to move on. Both of them needed that. </p><p>The simple house — but perfectly built the way they wanted — was still standing on the top of the small hill, facing the river. It was a wooden house reinforced because of the bad weather. It had two floors and an attic, and a large fenced yard, for cookouts in the summer, where they planted wild flowers too. The yard was Jack’s favorite part of the house, and as soon as that name came to his mind, Blake quickly dismissed the thought.</p><p>The sight of the wooden house on the hill — their forever home — was to blame for that reverie. Blake didn't want to bring up any of those memories, they were too painful. He was there to clean up the rest of their belongings that were still there, so that they could finally sell that house and move on. But he wasn't there alone, the modern gray SUV that parked right behind his truck in the driveway had just reminded him of that. She was there too. The house was also hers and was full of her belongings as well.</p><p>He hadn't seen her in over two years, since she left home saying she needed time away, and went back to Los Angeles to be with her mother. Blake stayed in that house for a while after Gwen left, but the place was never home without her, so he left too. And they arranged everything else from afar — divorce, asset division and other things.  With their consent, everything went smoothly and ended quickly. And now that house was the only thing left. Blake had ignored that property in the divorce process for personal and sentimental reasons and the fact that Gwen never demanded it to be sold made it clear that she also wanted to keep the house in their name for as long as she could. But there was a limit to everything, and Blake had reached his.</p><p>The idea of selling the house and dividing the money was his, and he wanted to do it as soon as possible, but there was still a lot of stuff in there, a lot of important things, which he knew they would both want and that they would have to sit and share, together and in person.</p><p>It was a Friday afternoon, on December 21st, they would have that whole weekend, and on Monday morning, the 24th, the house would already be listed for sale. There were many things there, so he hoped that two days would be enough time to go through everything, because if it took longer, they would have to wait for the new year to sell it, and Blake did not want to wait any longer.</p><p>He didn't think he would ever see her face to face again, but there she was. Gwen got out of her car and was already rubbing her hands together, even though she was wearing gloves and covered in a long overcoat. Her hair was longer, about mid-back length, but it was the same platinum blonde color. She was well dressed, wearing makeup and high heel boots. It was as if she was back to being who she used to be before everything happened. Before the stress and before the tragedy that led to their divorce. Except for her flushed cheeks and her red nose. The Southern California girl was no longer used to how cold it could get up there. </p><p>She was already standing in the middle of the driveway when he finally opened the truck door and got out of the car.</p><p>“Hey." Blake said, not knowing what else to say to her.</p><p>“Hey." Gwen said back, but that bothered her a lot. She didn't want to act like they saw each other the day before. It had been over two years. </p><p>Blake had changed a lot since the last time she saw him.  He seemed to have lost a lot of weight, his hair was longer and curly, he had a stubble beard, his gaze seemed more distracted than usual, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked defeated, tired, as if he hadn't slept in days.  </p><p>“It’s so cold.” She ended up acting nonchalant, exactly the way she didn't want to act.</p><p>"Yeah" He agreed. “Park your car in the garage. It seems like it's going to snow tonight.”</p><p>Gwen couldn't hold back a soft chuckle when she heard that. "Of course it's going to snow, it's the first day of winter."</p><p>“It is." His lips curved upward briefly, but it didn't feel right to her. It was as if something on his face was broken. He wasn’t able to smile. "Welcome back.”</p><p>They reorganized the cars, hers parked in the garage, under the house, and his on the driveway, but instead of entering through the garage back door that opened to a covered internal staircase, which led straight up into the house’s hallway, Gwen left through the garage gate and joined Blake again outside, in the cold weather. She didn't want to do that first walk in alone, she didn't think she could.</p><p>As soon as the garage door closed and he finished parking the truck in front of it, they crossed the concrete path in the middle of the front yard together. The mailbox still had a label that indicated both of their names.</p><p>
  <em>Blake Shelton<br/>
Gwen Shelton </em>
</p><p>The two of them went through it quickly and walked to the front porch. That was when Gwen's heart started to beat really fast and the lump in Blake's throat almost choked him.</p><p>“Wait." She grabbed his wrist when he put the key in the lock. He let go of the keychain. "I need a second, please, just a second." Her breathing started to get really ragged.</p><p>Blake just watched, because even though he wasn't showing, he was feeling the same way. "We are going to do this really fast." He tried to say something.</p><p>"An entire weekend in there is not fast enough." Gwen took a few steps back and had to sit on the balcony half wall. "I don't know if I can do this."</p><p>“You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Blake also took steps back, leaving the key hanging from the lock. "You can tell me what you want and I'll get it for you."</p><p>"But I don’t know. What if I forget something important?" She said, out of breath. "I will only know when I look at it." Her eyes went up and they met Blake's, who was now standing in front of her. “Besides, I have to get in. I have to say goodbye.” </p><p>He couldn't say whether it was that word so definitive that hit him hard or if it was the way Gwen's chin trembled and her eyes filled with tears.</p><p>"Ok, let's do this together." He offered his hand for her to take, but he didn't dare touching her. She was the one who raised her hand and held his. The touch was so familiar, even over the gloves they wore, that they both ended up getting a little braver.</p><p>Blake unlocked the front door and turned the handle slowly. The first thing that triggered him when the door opened was the smell. Blake was immediately invaded by the usual smell of wet wood. Even when the house had just been cleaned and tidy, it had always had that smell.  It was because of the large amount of rain that region had, and also the snow that melted and penetrated the wooden base.</p><p>He froze on the first step, so Gwen came over and stood next to him. The two of them entered together and he closed the door. Everything was exactly the same inside, except for the dust, which was normal for a house that had not been used or visited for over 2 years. The couch facing the tv in the living room, the open kitchen behind it, the coats hanging in the hall closet, the fireplace adorned with picture frames and even the hall carpet that always had one end folded up was exactly the same.</p><p>After taking her gloves off, Gwen crossed the living room directly to the memories of the happy family who once lived there. The first picture frame was a picture of their wedding. Gwen in a long pearly white dress, with lace collar and sleeves, her hair down with wavy ends and small flowers stuck in the locks, and Blake in a suit, his face shaved and his hair neatly combed back. They were happy, smiling, faces pressed together. Her eyes sparkled and his smile was so big it showed his dimples.</p><p>There were memories like that in the whole house, Gwen would have to get used to it, but at that moment, she just took a deep breath and moved on to the next frames.</p><p>All the other pictures showed a little boy wearing glasses, with curly blond hair and light blue eyes, or a smiling baby with chubby cheeks, but they had the same dimpled smile, because they were the same child, only at different stages: Jack, their son.</p><p>The last picture, which was the most recent one, showed the very happy little boy, holding a drawing that portrayed his family: Blake, Gwen, Jack himself, and Betty, the dog. </p><p>Gwen took that small picture frame and held it against her chest. Slowly, she turned around and found Blake frozen again, in the middle of the room, staring at the empty white wall.</p><p>“Everything is in the same place. I thought things were in boxes.” Her voice brought him out of his trance.</p><p>"Hm… no, I didn't touch anything." He said. His eyes were still scanning the room and he was speaking very slowly. "You left me, so I just... I just left." </p><p>Gwen was taken aback by the approach of that subject, but she had a lot of other things on her mind at the time, so she just ignored it.</p><p>"His room?" She asked.</p><p>Blake just nodded.</p><p>Gwen then opened her eyes wide and headed for the stairs in the hall. He followed her closely. They climbed the steps quickly and were soon in the upstairs hallway. The second floor of the house was simple too, with a bedroom and a bathroom on the right side, and two other bedrooms on the left. The one on the right was a guest room and the ones on the left were their old room, and Jack's.</p><p>Gwen went over to that last one, and Blake followed her again. When she opened the door and found the bed unmade, the desk chair pulled out, the toy box lid open and some toys still scattered around, it took her breath away. She leaned her shoulder against the wood of the door when her legs seemed like they were going to give in. Blake noticed that, so he held her other arm.</p><p>In the left corner of the room, near the window, the fort made of sheets hanging from shelves and over two little tables that he crawled under to get in, was still standing.</p><p>"It's like he was just here." Gwen said, softly and breathlessly and then she turned to Blake who was still behind her. "You should have told me."</p><p>“Told you what?" He questioned. His sad, tired look seemed to be even worse now. </p><p>“What I was going to find here." Gwen could barely speak, her voice was breathy. </p><p>She felt her arm shake and get so weak that she couldn’t hold the picture frame anymore, and then it fell on the floor and the glass broke into pieces. They ducked down quickly and at the same time, as if the broken glass on the floor of a child’s room could still cause an accident. </p><p>Gwen tried really hard to be strong, but her legs gave out too and she ended up leaning against the wall behind her and sitting on the floor while Blake picked up the sharp pieces.</p><p>"It's like he's still here." She cried, feeling her chest tighten and the coat over her body getting heavy.</p><p>“Well, he is not." Blake cut that subject off quickly, but he couldn't even look at her. "He's gone."</p><p>Gwen felt the wave of grief hit her hard, but as usual, instead of dealing with it the normal way people do — with sadness, tears and lament — Gwen felt her face heat up and anger rose up her spine.</p><p>“Do you think I don't know that? I know it very well, I was here, you were not here.” She attacked him with her words and her hand pushed on his shoulder, making him tremble slightly to the side, and almost fall on the floor. "You were never here."</p><p>“It's ok if you want to blame it on me, but attacking me won't do any good." Blake picked up the last pieces of glass, gathering them over the broken picture frame. He still couldn't look at her. "You did this too many times. You should know it doesn't help."</p><p>Blake's grief was different from Gwen's, it did not manifest itself aggressively or strongly, it mostly didn’t even show at all. The pain overcame all his senses, incapacitated him, made him freeze in place, and it didn't help that he had tried so hard to suppress all that suffocating feeling to try to take care of everything he had to take care of. While Gwen was drowning in her grief, Blake had postponed his to take care of his son's service, his funeral, and to ensure that Jack had a decent place to lay down forever.</p><p>He had to keep working to pay the bills that never stopped coming. And he ended up postponing it so much that he never had a chance to actually feel it at that time, and it gave the impression that he didn't care. Blake sat in the armchair, downstairs in the living room of that same house, drinking every night while Gwen cried alone. Until she left him too. And that's when he finally felt it. He felt it all at once because he lost everything he had, and it was suffocating. It was so overwhelming that once again Blake had to push that huge feeling of loss and depression away, if he wanted to stay alive. And he didn't really want to, he often thought about ending it, but he kept going anyway. Not for him, but for his Jack. If Blake was gone, there would be one less person in the world with happy memories of the little dimpled blond boy. He was too special to be forgotten, but his life was too short and no one knew that 4 year old boy like his parents.</p><p>He decided to stay so that Jack would be remembered while he lived. He and Gwen would always remember him.</p><p>"I'm sorry." Gwen whispered, softly crying.</p><p>"It's ok." Blake finally lifted his head to look at her. "We'll be fine."</p><p>“Will we be able to do this?" She asked, lifting her legs and bending her knees to support her chin on them.</p><p>"We are going to do it together." He also leaned against the wall beside her and sat on the floor. “We always did everything together."</p><p>“And for Jack." She sniffed.</p><p>“For Jack." He agreed. His voice barely above a whisper.</p><p>His heart was hurting. The worst kind of pain. Not the pain he felt when he got the news that Jack was gone, but the suffocating pain of realizing he would never come back. </p><p><br/>
</p><p>***</p><p><br/>
</p><p>They spent the late Friday afternoon cleaning the house, after all, it was all dusty and they would have to spend the whole weekend there. They tidied everything up, washed all the bedding and changed the sheets from where they were going to sleep. </p><p>Blake had insisted that Gwen slept in the master bedroom, which used to be theirs, because he didn't think he would be able to sleep there, so he preferred to stay in the guest room across the hallway. </p><p>He went to the grocery store before it started to snow and bought enough food for them to stay there until Monday. Gwen helped him to put everything away in the kitchen cabinets and in the fridge, and when he started organizing everything so they could have dinner, she went to take a hot shower. </p><p>When she came back downstairs to the living room, the table was set, the fireplace was on and Blake was in the kitchen.</p><p>"Do you need any help?" Gwen headed over there to check what he was doing.</p><p>"I do not." He turned to her and showed her the pizza box he had just bought. "Friday was pizza night, remember?"</p><p>Gwen's heart hurt a little, but she nodded. "Pizza and movie." She smiled, nostalgic.</p><p>"Yes, but there are no movies here, maybe in the attic, but I didn't think you wanted to do that today." He explained himself.</p><p>"No, it’s ok, we don't need a movie." She really didn't think she would be able to concentrate on watching an entire movie, she hadn’t been able to focus on anything for that long in a long time. </p><p>They sat at the table to eat, and the conversation about the life they were living now came naturally. Gwen told him that she was working for a big company in Los Angeles, selling ideas for things that hadn't even been put into practice yet. </p><p>When she lived in Truckee, she used to sell things she was passionate about. New and smart products, usually from start-up creators and small businesses. Now it wasn't that exciting anymore, but Blake knew she was good at what she did, she had always been great at convincing people to do what she wanted.</p><p>He, in turn, did not have much to tell. Blake had sold the bar he had in downtown Truckee and moved back to Oklahoma to be close to his family. He was working from home, investing in the lyrics and music he used to write and selling some of them. His pain was his inspiration, and that had been enough for him to live in Oklahoma, financially speaking.</p><p>“My dad is in a senior living home.” Blake told her when they had finished eating. "He was diagnosed with dementia and the condition has been evolving very quickly."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Blake." Gwen honestly said. "Why didn’t you call me?" </p><p>“What was I supposed to say?" He asked, really confused, but staring at the empty food plate in front of him. Again, he wasn’t able to look at her. “Can you imagine if I just called you to say: Hey, I know you left because I was an asshole, but I just wanted to tell you that my dad is sick.” </p><p>Gwen knew he would never call. Not after everything they went through. Not after she abandoned him the way she did.</p><p>"And my mom is dating another guy." He continued to tell her. “And I can't blame her, she lived with my father's weight on her shoulders all this time. Now she is finally going to live her own life again.” She could tell that it bothered him, even though he knew he shouldn't feel like that. “Anyway, how's your family doing?"</p><p>“They are doing good. I bought a house close to Jen and Todd's, we are together often. The kids are growing up. She had a baby boy last year. He's the cutest thing.” Blake looked up to face her. He couldn't even imagine how difficult that probably was for Gwen. "Do you remember how it took Jack almost two years to say his first word?"  Her question took him by surprise. “Leo barely turned a year old and he talks like hell. Of course he doesn't speak perfect words, but he mumbles and tries hard.”</p><p>Although the subject came unexpectedly, Blake welcomed it. He never heard anyone talk about their son like that, as if it was natural and not something sad to remember. They were the only two people who had vivid memories of him and having a conversation about that was better than regretting how much they missed him.</p><p>“I remember. We used to say Jack was a perfectionist, do you remember that?” He said, immediately remembering a whirlwind of details about the little boy. “He never crawled, he just got up and walked one day. He didn't used to babble, he spoke at once when he learned how to do it. He always took his time to do things, but when he did, it was perfect.” </p><p>"Yes... he was perfect." Gwen sighed, feeling the lump in her throat tighten. “The only thing he used to babble was ‘mama’, remember?” </p><p>The memory made Blake chuckle. "Yes. No matter how much of a perfectionist he was, he had to get your attention. That boy was completely in love with you... I can't blame him.”</p><p>"He loved you too." Gwen reached out to take Blake's hand. “His big buddy. His hero.”</p><p>He closed his hand, pressing her fingers against his palm. “I was his pillow. He loved to sleep on me.”</p><p>“He wanted to do everything you used to do. One day he told me that he wanted his facial hair to grow just so he could shave like you.” They laughed out loud together. “Who wants to shave their face? He didn't even know what it was, he just wanted to do it because you always did it.” </p><p>Blake felt his nose and eyes sting. "He was a funny little boy." He said quietly, looking away to face the empty plate again.</p><p>"He was." She agreed with a whisper. "He was not here for long, but he was so loved." Gwen's voice broke and she softly sobbed. Blake squeezed her hand. "Thank you for loving him too." She said, letting go of his hand and bringing hers back up onto her lap.</p><p>"I will always love him.” He barely managed to speak, his voice was breaking, but he would not allow himself to cry at that moment.</p><p>"I know." She whispered and got up from the chair, taking the two dirty dishes off the table and into the kitchen.</p><p>Blake cleared his throat. "You can leave the dishes in the sink, I'll take care of that tomorrow morning."</p><p>“Ok." Gwen did as he asked.</p><p>"Hey, Gwen?" Blake called when she was already drying her hands on a dish towel. She looked at him. "Do you mind if I bring in a Christmas tree and decorate it tomorrow?" </p><p>She thought it was a strange request coming from someone who was about to empty the house to sell it. "A Christmas tree?"</p><p>“Yes, Jack loved Christmas, it was his favorite time of year. Remember?” </p><p>“How could I ever forget?” And just like that he didn't have to say anything else. “Can I help you decorate it?"</p><p>“Yes of course." He smiled when he noticed that his request had brought her some joy. </p><p>“He would be 7 now. He would be having so much fun at Christmas.” It also brought melancholy back, however.</p><p>"He would be loving this time of year even more." Blake said, in the same nostalgic way. “And it would be so much fun for us to plan the holidays.”</p><p> “I think I'm going to go up and try to sleep. I'm really tired." Gwen tried to get those thoughts out of her mind quickly. Remembering the past didn't hurt her, but thinking about the present and future that her baby boy would never have made her immensely sad.</p><p>"It’s a good idea, I will do the same soon."</p><p>“Ok, goodnight, Blake."</p><p>"Goodnight."</p><p>He stayed behind, put out the fire in the fireplace, turned on the central heater in the house and also went upstairs.</p><p>Blake took a warm shower and the master bedroom light was still on when he came out, he could see under the door, but it was the only thing lighting the hallway that night.</p><p>He headed for the guest room on the other side. When he sat on the bed, the smell of wet wood invaded him again, causing his chest to become heavy and his hands to shake slightly. He took a deep breath and took a prescription bottle out of his pocket. It was the antidepressants he took every night, the only thing that helped him sleep — sometimes. He got one pill out and took it, drinking a large sip of water from the plastic bottle on the nightstand shortly after. </p><p>Then Blake laid down and in a few seconds he was completely out.</p><p><br/>
</p><p>***</p><p><br/>
</p><p>
  <em><br/>
"What's wrong, buddy, you can't sleep?" Blake pushed open the bedroom door when he realized the boy's eyes were wide open.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He always checked if Jack was sleeping and tucked him in before he went to bed himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I had a nightmare." The little one confessed in an undertone tone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blake then entered the room, going towards his bed and sitting on the edge of it. The room had all lights out, except for the dinosaur lantern that was on his nightstand. The nightlight rotated and dinosaur’s shadows danced across the walls of the boy's dimly lit room. No wonder he had nightmares.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maybe I should turn that lamp off." The father leaned forward, but Jack's small hand grabbed the sleeve of his pajamas.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, Daddy. Leave it on, please. I don't like sleeping in the dark.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It's ok, buddy." Blake did not turn off his light. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Is mommy asleep?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes, I just took her to bed. She slept on the couch again. She's so silly.” He made the little boy laugh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?" Jack asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blake nodded right away, and settled down beside him on the small single bed. He pulled the covers over their bodies and his son snuggled close to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Daddy, am I too old to be afraid of nightmares?" Jack asked. He was very inquisitive and used to ask about everything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blake softly chuckled. "What? You and all your 4 years of life?" He joked, and the little boy laughed, even though he probably didn't get the joke. “No, monkey, you have the right to feel the way you do. Even if you’re afraid.” He stroked his son's curly hair. “What did you dream about? Was it a monster? You know that I would finish it off, right? I am very tall and very strong.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack laughed, but he got serious shortly afterwards. “It wasn't a monster. I dreamed that I was lost and couldn't find you and Mommy. And it was dark. It was always really dark.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blake wasn't expecting such a deep nightmare from a four-year-old, but it was still just a bad dream. “Don't worry, my little guy, your mommy and I would find you. Wherever you were, lost or not, the two of us together would always find you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack smiled at him, snuggling closer to him and closing his eyes. “I know that." He said, satisfied. “I love you daddy."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blake hugged him tight. “I love you too, buddy. So much."</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
 "Blake? Blake?” He opened his eyes and Gwen was standing beside the bed where he was laying, leaning forward, pushing on his shoulder, trying to wake him up.
</p><p>
 "Huh? What is it?" He sat up quickly on the bed, feeling his head spin. 
</p><p>
 “Oh my God, thank God." She took a deep breath and sat down next to him on the bed too. "Are you ok?"
</p><p>
  Blake rubbed his face with both his hands. He wasn’t even able to understand anything yet. "I guess so. What did I do?"
</p><p>
  “You were screaming. You scared the hell out of me.” Gwen was still panting.
</p><p>
  “I'm sorry." Blake was still rubbing his eyes, which itched as if they were dry. His face was wet, which made him believe that he had been crying. "I had a nightmare, that’s it. Don’t worry." He tried to ease the situation.
</p><p>
  But it was impossible. "You were screaming his name."
</p><p>
  Blake closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. “I'm really sorry."
</p><p>
  “Were you dreaming about him?"
</p><p>
  “It wasn't really a dream, it was a memory. But yes." He confirmed, and then turned his face to look at her. “Would you stay here with me?"
</p><p>
  “You mean… sleep with you?" She also looked up and at him, and seemed surprised.
</p><p>
  "Never mind, it was a stupid thing to ask of you."
</p><p>
  “No.” She grabbed his wrist when he started to get up. “I will stay." 
</p><p>
  Gwen put her legs up on the bed too, crawling up to the pillow. She knew the left was his side, so she stayed on the right.
</p><p>
  Blake took another long sip of water from the plastic bottle and also laid down. They laid face to face, close enough to feel each other's breath and body heat, but without touching at all.
</p><p>
  Like that, Blake was able to go back to sleep quickly. They both did.<br/>
</p><p><br/>
</p><p>***</p><p><br/>
</p><p>It was so cold. His eyes slowly opened as the weather inside the house became unbearable enough to wake him up. </p><p>Blake was still laying on the bed in the guest room, and Gwen was with him, but they were no longer facing each other, he was behind her and their bodies were pressed against each other under the covers. His front against her back. They used to sleep like that every day since they started sharing the same bed, until almost three years ago, their bodies were just doing what they were used to, and they just fit together perfectly. </p><p>Gwen had an arm under the pillow, it was another thing she used to do, and Blake's face was against the back of her neck, which was exposed since her hair was tied in a bun.</p><p>He wanted to stay right there, but his whole body was shaking because of the cold, so he needed to check the central heat. </p><p>It was even worse when he pushed the covers aside to get up from the bed. When he was up, he covered Gwen again, and left her sleeping on the bed.</p><p>He was sleepy and shivering, and his vision was blurred. To make matters worse, it was still night and the house was all dark, but he walked into the hallway and checked the thermostat. The panel said it was 40 degrees inside and the heater was off. He couldn't remember if he had turned on the heater upstairs, but he found it difficult to believe that he had forgotten something like that on a winter night.</p><p>He turned it on and heard the heating pipes creaking. Apparently, everything was working, so Blake went into the bathroom to pee, still completely drowsy. When he stepped out into the hall again, the wind flowing noise caught his attention, and when he looked in the direction of the other rooms on the left, Jack's door was ajar, and he could see the dinosaurs’ shadows dancing on the walls. </p><p>Blake found that really strange. He definitely hadn't turned on the boy's nightlight, but maybe Gwen had done that. Anyway, he went there to turn off the dinosaur lamp, but when he entered the room, he saw that the window was cracked open, which was one of the reasons it was so cold inside. That one was a bigger mystery than the nightlight. </p><p>Blake walked further in and closed the window, but failed to turn off the little nightlight, because when he approached the bed, his eyes focused on the stuffed monkey that Jack carried with him everywhere, and Blake could no longer hold the heartbreak inside. He fell to the floor in a disheveled heap, on his knees, as his grief poured out of his eyes.</p><p>He grabbed the stuffed monkey and held it against his chest, hugging it the way he wished he could hold his baby. But he would never hold his baby again, because Jack was gone. </p><p>Blake sobbed softly, trying to be as subtle as possible so as to not wake Gwen another time that night. He got up just enough to lie down on the boy's bed, and stayed there, hugging the stuffed animal that smelled like his son, crying and staring at the dinosaur shadows on the ceiling. The ones from the lamp he didn't know how suddenly got turned on. </p><p>The only thing on his mind was the fact that he would give anything to get Jack back. He would even give his own life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>First of all, thank you for reading this. Oh, did I forget to tell you? This is a story about pain, loss and heartbreaking (with some Christmas stuff here and there) but it’s also mostly about how powerful our minds can be. Not everything is what it seems to be, trust me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I can’t thank you guys enough for taking some time to give me your wonderful feedbacks. Thank you to everyone who commented or looked for me to say anything about this story. It means a lot to me.</p>
<p>I have more for you now, as promised.<br/>I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“There are many options to choose from, even in this sad time." The funeral home’s employee was seated in the most comfortable armchair in their small living room, and showed them a catalog open to a page that illustrated many different kinds of small coffins. "You don't have to choose anything, we can arrange everything for you, but many parents of young children prefer to choose."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake took a deep breath. "I don’t know. We didn't have time to decide anything.” He turned his face to look at Gwen. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was sitting on the couch next to him and he was holding one of her hands, but Gwen didn't really seem like part of that conversation. She just stared at the man who was sitting in the armchair, looking at him with an intense and unfriendly look.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What do you think, honey?" Blake asked, in case she had any kind of preference for anything.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I do not care." She replied quickly and still very listless.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The funeral home man cleared his throat, seeming somewhat uncomfortable with the way she was staring at him with a murderous look. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake had found out, very recently, that mourning was not a set of previously determined steps, like people used to say, it was messy, and it was the most overwhelming feeling anyone could feel. Gwen's grief had changed so many times in those two days since Jack died, she had been through denial, despair, shock and anger, but it still wavered between them all, changing all the time.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>However, for Blake none of that seemed true, it still didn't feel real, so maybe he was in the denial phase all along. He still woke up in the middle of the night and went to his room to check on the boy, he made the chocolate milk drink he liked in the morning a couple of times too, before remembering that he wasn’t there to drink it, and when he picked up toys in the most unexpected places in the house, it felt like Jack was still there to hide them. But above all that, Blake still hoped his son would come down the stairs at some point, asking him to play with him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"This one looks good." Blake said, in a sad tone. "It's dark wood color, like our home, and he loved it here."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"This is a good choice." The man nodded. “Then let me explain the process and the next steps. Right now our team is doing our best job. He'll soon be looking exactly the way you remember him, and not the way you last saw him. It will be a very beautiful service.” At that moment, Gwen pushed Blake's hand away from hers and got off the couch in one single movement.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I can’t do this." She left the living room as quickly as she could.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Excuse me a minute." Blake also got up from the couch and went after her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They went upstairs and Gwen entered the master bedroom, followed closely by Blake.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Honey?" He made a move to get closer to her, but Gwen dodged him and pushed his arms away. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"He's dead, Blake." She picked up the flower vase that was over the dresser and threw it on the floor. "My baby is dead!"  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was the anger again. She was angry Jack wasn’t there.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake didn't dare come any closer. He was paralyzed, frozen in place. That’s how he was most of the time during those two days.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen stared at the mess she had made on the floor for a few seconds and when she looked up, her eyes were watery. Blake wanted to pull her to him and say that everything would be ok, but, again, he didn't dare to move.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She then sobbed loudly and ran to the bathroom. He followed her again, and entered the room in time to see her ducking in front of the toilet bowl and opening the lid quickly. She began to vomit the entire contents of her stomach the next second. The way she coughed and her body jerked forward was so violent that Blake forgot his fear of making things worse and bent down beside her to hold her waist with one hand and her hair with the other.  It was fast, but it was a tense few seconds. When she seemed to have nothing left to throw up, she laid her head on the soft toilet seat, and just cried, looking even more defeated and weaker than before.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Come, baby." Blake wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off the floor. Gwen immediately started to cry heavier, with her face hidden in his chest. That was the biggest amount of physical contact the two of them had had between them in those two days without Jack.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"My baby… I want my baby back." He took her to the bed and laid her down carefully.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'll be right back." Blake told her, knowing he needed to go back to the living room and finish sorting things out for the funeral. Jack couldn't wait much longer.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Please stay with me." She asked in a whisper, letting her guard down and begging for something she really needed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I need to finish dealing with that." He denied it to her, even though he knew it was the wrong decision.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen sobbed softly and nodded slowly, as if she needed that to assimilate his answer. “You’re not even crying about it. Why won’t you cry for him?” She asked. Her voice had so much pain in it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Gwen, I... I'm trying my best here." He said, feeling the lump in his throat tighten. "I'm trying not to fall apart, because there are a lot of things that we have to deal with right now.” Blake was sure he needed to stay sane, because Gwen was nowhere near that.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I don’t care about those things. My baby just died!" She had an aggressive outbreak suddenly, and yelled at him while tears streamed freely down her face. “You know what? Never mind, I don't need you." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen turned on her side to turn her back to Blake. He rubbed his face and wiped the corners of his eyes before turning around and leaving the room, closing the door to give her more privacy.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That day he never went back there, nor even opened that door. They didn't check on each other anymore, and the silence in the house at the top of the hill, which was initially suffocating, gradually became sadly usual.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Blake's heart was beating fast and tight when he awoke from yet another dream that was actually an old memory.  He was still lying on Jack's small single bed. The sun had finally risen, it was no longer snowing, and the house was warm and comfortable again.</p>
<p>December 22 had arrived.</p>
<p>He got up from the little bed and the first thing he did was turn off the dinosaur lamp, which was still on and running. After a few minutes in the bathroom, he went downstairs to the first floor. </p>
<p>Blake knew Gwen was already awake because even from up there he could smell fresh coffee, but as soon as he went downstairs, still from the staircase, he could already spot her in the middle of the living room, with a medium size cardboard box under her arm, placing some small items inside of it, mainly decorations that used to be on the coffee table. A larger box was on the couch, and it had her name written on it, along with the part of the house from where the things were collected. </p>
<p>"Good Morning." He said quietly, still watching her.</p>
<p>That morning, Gwen looked much more like the Gwen he used to know perfectly — his wife. She had her hair up in a ponytail, and she was wearing gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt under an open light pink cardigan.</p>
<p>"Good Morning." She turned to him, placing the box on the coffee table. “Sorry, I thought it was better to start while you were resting."</p>
<p>Blake disliked it very much when she spoke to him formally, as if they didn't know each other well, but he knew that weekend would be like that the whole time. Still, it made his stomach clench. </p>
<p>"It’s ok, you can do what you think is best." He answered without much intimacy as well, as if he approved of the way she was acting, even if it was the other way around.</p>
<p>“I set up three boxes. One for me, one for you, and one for donations. That’s just to start with. I don't suppose you want any of those decorations, do you?”</p>
<p>"No." He was quick to answer exactly what she already knew, while making his way to the kitchen, which was practically in the same room. </p>
<p>“I didn’t think so.” Gwen was looking at Blake as he walked past her, but he never looked back at her, so she went back to focusing on what she was doing. “I don't want any of that, either. I'm just here for all the sentimental things.”</p>
<p>"Like what?" He was pouring himself some coffee into a mug. </p>
<p>She immediately raised her head and looked back at him. "Like Jack's things, and other things that are important to me.”</p>
<p>"Like what?" He asked the question again. “I didn’t think anything here was important to you.” </p>
<p>And just like that, it irritated her deeply. "What are you trying to say to me, Blake?" Gwen's voice tone became annoyed and somewhat aggressive.</p>
<p>That was when Blake realized that he had instigated that behavior and that it was not necessary. He regretted that. “Nothing. I woke up with a terrible headache. I apologize." His formal apology was honest, and the headache was not a lie either. </p>
<p>Blake sat at the kitchen table with his coffee, but they could still see each other. </p>
<p>Gwen was still upset, but she let go. "Ok, there's a box with your name on it, when you're ready."</p>
<p>"I'll help you out in a second, let me have some coffee to see if it helps."</p>
<p>"You should eat something."</p>
<p>"I don't feel like eating right now." Blake shrugged.</p>
<p>"Fine, stubborn." Gwen said quietly so he wouldn't hear, then sighed heavily.</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>It took them a while, but they ended up warming up to each other as the fire from the fireplace burned the logs and heated the small living room.</p>
<p>Blake had brought down the Christmas tree and the boxes with ornaments and decorations from the attic, and they set it up, put the colored string of lights on and started to decorate it with Christmas ornaments last.</p>
<p>"Look, this one is broken." He showed her a Santa Claus ornament with just one leg. </p>
<p>Gwen laughed instantly. "I remember that. You stepped on it, remember?”</p>
<p>Blake needed a few extra seconds to look at the ornament and then he remembered. "Oh wait, I remember." He laughed too. “I remember that we were here in the living room and it was dark. Was it Christmas Eve?” He asked, but he gradually remembered it by himself. “Oh we were making out on the couch."</p>
<p>Gwen laughed louder and nodded. "Yeah, and Jack came down the stairs because he thought it was Santa Claus that was in the living room so late on Christmas Eve.” She picked up the broken ornament and looked at it tenderly.  Blake saw in her eyes that she was longing for a time that would never come back. He didn't blame her. “He was what... 2 and a half years old? He was so tiny and so smart.” </p>
<p>Blake nodded, and the smile never left his face, even if it was somewhat melancholic. "I got up so fast off the couch when I heard those feet coming down the stairs, it was automatic." The two were soon laughing again. </p>
<p>"You jumped up and hit the Christmas tree, almost knocked the whole thing over." She couldn’t stop smiling.</p>
<p>Blake let out one of his slow, deep, and loud laughs. "I stepped on this Santa Claus ornament and I can still feel the pain to this day, it was like stepping on a lego."</p>
<p>"You broke it." Gwen shook her head, laughing.</p>
<p>"I know. And that ruined Christmas Eve.” He remembered. "Jack kept telling everybody I killed Santa Claus in my underwear until next year."</p>
<p>"He was really mad at you, but then he understood that you didn’t really kill Santa Claus, you just made him different." She found a place right in the front of the Christmas tree for the one legged Santa Claus. “We used that to teach him about differences and different people, remember?"</p>
<p>"Yes, everything was fine in the end." Blake smiled, also putting ornaments back on the Christmas tree. “We even finished what we were doing, only in the bedroom. We also learned a lesson that night.”</p>
<p>"Yes... We had a child at home who at that point was already able to get out of bed by himself in the middle of the night." She said.</p>
<p>"So we couldn't mess around in the living room anymore." He said, laughing again. </p>
<p>That made Gwen laugh out loud another time. Neither of them could remember the last time they had laughed like that. "Yeah, no more messing around in the living room."</p>
<p>Blake turned to her, holding an ornament that displayed a photo of Jack as a newborn baby and had the words ‘Jack’s first Christmas’ written around it. Jack was a late preterm baby, he was born naturally in the 34th week of pregnancy, on December first, which was still a mystery to everyone involved. They used to joke that he had rushed to be able to celebrate Christmas at home. And he did it.</p>
<p>Gwen reached out to pick up the ornament. In the photo of Jack's first Christmas he was a very small and fragile preterm newborn, but with his eyes open and interested in his surroundings, as always. For them, he was the most incredible baby ever.</p>
<p>"We had such a good life." Blake's voice was low and uncertain, even a little painful. It distracted her from her thoughts. </p>
<p>Gwen looked up to face him. "We did, didn't we?" She held out a wistful sigh. "It was the life I always wanted for me and my family. The one I dreamed of as a child.”</p>
<p>His eyes were no longer on her, Blake was thinking about everything that had happened to them so suddenly. “One minute and everything changed."</p>
<p>"Three.” Gwen quickly looked away too and busied herself with hanging the ornament on the tree. “It was three minutes.”</p>
<p>He felt a sharp pain in his chest when he realized where that phrase had brought her. "Gwen I didn't mean to..."</p>
<p>A loud knock on the door interrupted Blake's sentence and startled them both slightly.</p>
<p>“Are you expecting someone?" Gwen frowned when she exchanged looks between Blake and the door.</p>
<p>“No, I didn't even know that anyone knew we were here." He looked at her with a confused facial expression too, but started to make his way to the door. “Probably someone saw me at the grocery store, or they saw my truck in the driveway. We used to know everyone around here.”</p>
<p>But when Blake opened the door, the person staring at him from the other side was no known neighbor.</p>
<p>"Hi, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, my name is Vivian, I'm your new neighbor. Well kind of, I moved here in the beginning of the year.” The woman was tall, had hazel-colored eyes and her skin was dark brown, as was her long hair, which was braided behind her back. She must have been in her mid-thirties too, just like them. "I brought you a homemade eggplant lasagna." She showed the glass dish in her hand.</p>
<p>"Oh! Thank you. You didn't have to.” Blake took the platter she offered and the dish was still warm. "My name is Blake." He introduced himself and Vivian greeted him by shaking his hand. "Where do you live?" </p>
<p>“In the green house at the end of the street." She told him, waving to Gwen, who had just appeared behind Blake, out of curiosity.</p>
<p>“This is Gwen." He stepped aside to introduce Gwen, who joined them. 'Gwen, my wife' he wanted to say, but that was no longer true. “Gwen, this is Vivian. She lives in the green house at the end of the street.”</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you." The women also shook hands. "Bryan and Fred moved?" </p>
<p>“Yes, last year. Now it's me, my husband Tom, and our son Will.” Vivian told them. “Sorry to come here all of a sudden like that, but you guys know Mary, right? Who works at the pharmacy? She told me that you were here and I decided to try my luck.”</p>
<p>“What can we help you with?" Blake was interested, and also really curious.</p>
<p>"Well, this is going to sound weird, but since we moved here, we see that bike chained to the fence next to your garage and Will is in love with it." The neighbor explained. “I looked for the model everywhere, but we didn't find anything even remotely like it. Would you tell me where you bought that bike from?”</p>
<p>"Oh." He knew very well what she was talking about. On either side of the house there was a low wooden fence that determined the end of their property, and Jack's bicycle used to be chained to the fence on the right side. Because of the way it all had happened and how they had left the house, the bicycle had been left there all that time. “It is customized. A friend of ours custom made it just for Jack.” The bike had a T-Rex head in the front and a tail in the back, because their son was a hardcore dinosaur lover.</p>
<p>"Oh, I understand now why I couldn't find it anywhere." Vivian laughed, somewhat embarrassed. “Well, let me know if you’re ever interested in selling it.”</p>
<p>"Hey, if you want I can unchain it and you can take it to Will." Blake decided quickly. "Let me get the key, it's here somewhere."</p>
<p>"Wait... what?" Gwen finally got into the subject. "You are going to give his bike away?" </p>
<p>It was then that he realized that he probably should have consulted her before, but it was too late. "We came here to get rid of things, right?" Blake acted like it was no big deal.</p>
<p>"But it was a gift from Adam, his godfather." She insisted.  </p>
<p>"Jack won't be using it anymore, Gwen." He suddenly used a harsh tone, and he didn't even know exactly why.</p>
<p>There was a brief silence and Gwen seemed a bit shocked. "Well, I'm going to take it with me, Blake." Her tone was impatient and a little hurt when she finally spoke. She then turned to the neighbor who was still at the door. "You can't have it, sorry."</p>
<p>"It's ok, no problem." Vivian nodded in agreement. “I should really get going now. I hope you like the lasagna.”  She seemed to have felt the heavy energy there. </p>
<p>"Sorry about that." Blake apologized and said goodbye quickly before the neighbor left. </p>
<p>"Wow you can't wait to get rid of him." The door to the house had barely even closed when Gwen turned to Blake. “I should have known that you came here to get rid of things, as you said yourself. I didn't come here to get rid of anything, I came here to look for things that will help me to always remember him.”</p>
<p>"Don't start with that." Blake sighed deeply. "I don't need material things to remember my son." He walked right past her and went to the kitchen to place the lasagna platter on the table.</p>
<p>“You should have used things to remember him. You should have gone into his room when he died, you should have been here.” Now that he was further away, Gwen had raised her voice. "Instead, you haven't shed a single tear for him."</p>
<p>"You don't know that!" This time Blake spoke as loudly as she did. “You don't know anything because less than 6 months after he died, you abandoned me. You packed your bags and left. You left me behind.” He accused her of that for the first time, even though he always felt left behind.</p>
<p>There was a long pause in which the two of them stared at each other in silence, perhaps for about 10 seconds, and then Gwen looked away. </p>
<p>Tears started to fall down her face before she even started to speak again. "Well Blake, you may never have noticed after all, but you abandoned me first." At his accusation, she also felt the courage to point fingers. “You abandoned me when you let me cry alone in that room day and night for months, when all I wanted and expected was for you to come in the door and hold me."  She said, while crying, pointing to the stairs to indicate the upstairs where their room was. “I know you were sad, I know you lost Jack too, but when he was gone, you were the only person I had left. And you left me alone.” She finished, almost out of breath. "So yes, I left you behind."</p>
<p>Blake felt that new information hit him like a punch in the stomach. He had never imagined that her decision to leave had been made because of the way he acted after Jack died, but he always knew it was something they should have talked about a long time ago, back then.</p>
<p>“There was so much going on. I had to take care of so much.” He tried to justify himself, but there was really no justification. Being alone and not processing what happened was the way he mourned Jack, but it turns out that Gwen needed him back then and he couldn't be there for her. He should have known.</p>
<p>She just waved a hand in the air as she turned around to head for stairs. "You can finish packing down here, I'll look for a room upstairs to pack too."</p>
<p>"Gwen, we should talk about this." Blake followed her up the stairs.</p>
<p>"Not now." She refused, even though she knew he was right, and when she found herself in the hallway on the second floor, Gwen went to Jack's room and closed the door before Blake reached her.</p>
<p>"Gwen?" He knocked on the door, somewhat frustrated.</p>
<p> "Not now, please." She repeated, but her voice broke and he realized that she was still crying.</p>
<p>Blake could have just left — and a few years ago he would have done just that — and left her crying alone, but he didn't do that this time.</p>
<p>"I'm right here." He said, and ducked down on the other side of the door to sit with his back pressed against it. </p>
<p>Being in that house together was like reliving the worst days of their lives all over again, but that didn't mean they had to make the same mistakes too.</p>
<p>Little did he know that Gwen was on the other side, sitting on the floor in the exactly same position as him. Her hand ran up and down the door trim until she found what she was looking for without even having to look at it. Her fingertips touched the small deep marks in the wood, feeling its familiar texture. There was one for each different year, it was what they used to measure Jack's height visually, so that even the boy could see it. The most recent one was just over 37 inches.</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>And just like that, it was night. The snow that had fallen the day before had given way to an endless fine, freezing rain that was washing the layer of white over the ground and on the roof of the house and turning it into a very dangerous ice crust.</p>
<p>The weather channel repeated all the time that people should stay home to avoid accidents, and Blake was closing the last full box when the weather forecast predicted a dangerous snowstorm on Christmas Eve. Hopefully, they would be far away from there on Monday, but according to the pace at which their packing was going, that might be impossible. They would have to speed up their packing the next day.</p>
<p>Gwen had spent the rest of the day locked in Jack's room, but Blake could hear her moving inside, so he knew she was fine. She had also opened the door a few times to ask for more cardboard boxes, and one time when he brought her some lasagna to eat. </p>
<p>When he finished his work in the living room, all that was left was the furniture, the TV, and the Christmas tree, but they didn’t intend to pack any of those things — except maybe the Christmas ornaments, later — they would sell the house with all that in it. The decorations, pictures, and other small things were all in boxes. </p>
<p>Blake went upstairs, took a shower and went to the guest room again. He took his antidepressant, like every night, but decided to check on Gwen before going to bed. When he came out into the hallway, Jack's bedroom door was open and she was no longer inside. The boy’s toys and clothes were all boxed up, the decorations in his room too, but the bed and fort made of hanging sheets were still intact. It was as if she still needed that little part that Jack had left behind for a little while longer. </p>
<p>Gwen had put the dinosaur lamp away, but left the stuffed monkey out too, it was Jack’s favorite toy. He couldn't blame her, honestly going into that room and not finding it completely empty was a relief for him too.</p>
<p>From the sound of water coming from the next room, it was clear that she was taking a shower. So it turned out that he didn't have to check on her. She had been fine all that time without him anyway.</p>
<p>Blake then headed back to the guest room, but in the middle of the way, near the stairs, he realized that there were still lights on on the first floor and decided to go down to turn them off. </p>
<p>When he got there, he realized that he had left the lights on the Christmas tree on, and went across the room to turn them off. There was a button at the bottom of the tree, and he pressed it. That turned off the Christmas lights and made the room all dark. Blake then made his way back to the stairs, but as soon as he set foot on the first step, the colorful lights on the Christmas tree came back on again, at once. He found that strange, but didn’t give it much thought. It was a set of old lights and the button was probably malfunctioning, or something, so he went back there and instead of turning off the lights with the button, he pulled the string out of the socket. Again, everything was in the deepest darkness.</p>
<p>Satisfied and certain that he had solved the problem, he headed to the stairs again. His foot touched the first step and, unexpectedly, the Christmas lights came on again, seeming even brighter than ever. Blake froze and opened his eyes wide, but when he was about to scan the room, a loud, high-pitched scream from upstairs broke the silence of the house and made Blake's heart almost stop. The only thing that kept him attentive and with his head working was the fact that he knew that scream very well.</p>
<p>“Gwen?" He shouted back and in the next second he was climbing the steps as fast as he could, trying not to trip over in his despair. </p>
<p>There was no answer, so Blake went in the master bedroom door and headed for the bathroom, since the shower was still on. Gwen was ducked down in the corner of the shower stall in a strange position that he couldn’t decipher well because he could barely see through the dark glass, so he didn't even think much and opened the door quickly.</p>
<p>Gwen let out a surprised squeak, but Blake was looking around, worried. “What are you doing?" She asked, with a confused facial expression.</p>
<p>"You screamed." He said, finally looking at her. She was sitting on the floor, hugging her knees, with her chin resting on them, and her eyes were red.</p>
<p>"Oh." Gwen understood what it was about. She didn't think he could’ve heard her.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Blake insisted eagerly.</p>
<p>"The water became very cold suddenly.” She explained. "It took me by surprise." </p>
<p>He finally let out a sigh of relief, and reached out to feel the temperature of the water coming out of the shower, but immediately pulled his arm back. It was so cold that it hurt when it hit his skin.</p>
<p>He turned the faucet off. “Maybe you stayed in there too long.” He closed the glass door again to give her some privacy.</p>
<p>“It’s ok, I was already done.”</p>
<p>“You scared me." Blake said, still in the bathroom.</p>
<p>"Sorry, I didn't mean to." Gwen said honestly. “Will you hand me the towel?"</p>
<p>He took the towel that hung on the wall and placed it over the glass for her. From there, he could only see her silhouette through the dark glass — she was standing now — but he knew her body too well to form perfect images in his head, so he preferred to look away.</p>
<p>“I think we have a problem with the furnace. I'll check it out.” Blake warned before leaving the bathroom without even waiting to hear any response from her.</p>
<p>He also left the room and went down the hallway, straight to the guest room. The floor below was in complete darkness again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You have to trust me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Do you hear what I hear?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sleeping?" She whispered from the bedroom door, unable to say exactly whether his eyes were open or closed.</p>
<p>The lights were out in the whole house. It was completely dark.</p>
<p>"No." Blake whispered back and moved to sit on the small single bed in Jack’s room. </p>
<p>Gwen took a step forward to get inside. "I wanted to talk to you."</p>
<p>"What is it? Are you ok?" At that moment he remembered the curious, and even somewhat impossible, incident with the Christmas lights in the living room earlier that night. Which he still couldn’t figure out.</p>
<p>He seemed a little more scared than he should be, she thought, so Gwen just approached slowly and sat down next to him on the bed.</p>
<p>"Yes I'm fine." She answered. “I just wanted to apologize to you. I wasn’t fair. That whole fight wasn’t fair.”</p>
<p>"No." Blake almost interrupted her. “It was actually fair. You were right."</p>
<p>“No, I was wrong and I was mean. You were here, you did your best. We were both doing our best.”</p>
<p>"It wasn’t enough.” Blake spoke softly, as if it was a confession. “I wasn’t enough.”</p>
<p>"Don't do this to yourself, Blake." She said, in a disappointed tone. Her hands intertwined with each other over her lap. She didn't know exactly what to say or do. “You were a great father to him, the best. You were a... a great husband. You took care of us.”</p>
<p>"I wasn’t here." Blake repeated it.</p>
<p>“Stop! You were always here, you...”</p>
<p>“I'm talking about that day.” He interrupted her. "I wasn’t here that day."</p>
<p>With that last sentence, Gwen realized what he was talking about, and her gaze immediately went to the floor, and she could no longer look at him.</p>
<p>“I also wasn’t available when you needed me. After Jack was gone.” Blake brought both hands to his face and swore.</p>
<p>He always did that when he was nervous or sad, or even just when he didn't know what else to say. It was something that after the 8 years they were married and more than 10 years of relationship, it was very easy for her to identify, but the way his hands went up to his own head, between the strands of hair and his face contorted  in a painful and almost desperate facial expression, was something completely new for her.</p>
<p>"I didn't know how..." Blake tried to say, but his voice broke and he had to take a deep breath. “I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be good for you, but I just couldn’t.” Suddenly, his entire body was shaking violently and he started to cry desperately. "But that’s typical me. All I wanted to do when he died was to cry. That’s such a normal response, right? Something everybody should be able to do when they feel extremely sad and hopeless, but no, not me. I couldn’t. I... I didn't know how.” </p>
<p>When tears started streaming down his face, they never stopped, and for the first few seconds, Gwen was a little shocked, paralyzed in place, not quite sure what to do.</p>
<p>Until she came closer to him and put an arm behind his back, going up the back of his neck until her fingers intertwined through his hair. "Blake…”</p>
<p>As soon as she was close enough to him, Blake wrapped his arms around her as if that was the only source of comfort he needed at that moment, but when he hugged her like that, his crying got even worse.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry. If I could go back, I would fight myself to do everything differently.” He sobbed.</p>
<p>Gwen leaned her head on his shoulder and let him cry freely, without trying to console him, other than the affection she was giving him. She didn’t judge or limit him. That cry was overdue. </p>
<p>She had never seen him cry like that, in all those years they were together, but after all they had been through, it was a relief to see him show that much emotion. </p>
<p>Blake had always been an affectionate man, who was not afraid to shout to the world about the immeasurable amount of love he felt for his family, for her and for Jack, nor was he afraid to show her how much he had always been in love with her, how excited he was to nurture and grow their family, or how much he loved being a father to Jack. He even used to be very open to talk about day-to-day frustrations and sadness, because those were the biggest obstacles they had ever faced before. But after Jack died, something seemed to have broken permanently inside him — and it was something understandable, because many things broke forever inside of her too. </p>
<p>"Do you sometimes wonder where he is?" Blake asked quietly, still crying, but able to control it better now. “If he is happy, if it is hot or cold where he is. If someone is taking care of him.” He sobbed at the end, unable to contain his emotions now that they were free.</p>
<p>Gwen stroked his hair with her fingertips. "All the time."  She replied, mimicking his quiet voice tone. “But I'm sure he is fine, wherever he is."</p>
<p>He let go of their embrace and took her free hand, squeezing it lightly. "Oh god..." He paused to hold on to a violent sob that hurt his chest. "I miss him so much."</p>
<p>"Come here, I want to show you something." Gwen released his hand and crawled on the bed until she laid on her back. </p>
<p>The small children's bed that had not been used for years made a long creak sound. Blake stared at her with confused expressions, then she waved her head towards the free space on the bed, beside her. He decided not to contradict whatever that was, so he laid down beside her.</p>
<p>"Close your eyes." She asked, grabbing one of his hands.  Blake did as she asked, then Gwen guided his hand until it was against his own chest. He was quiet and the room was completely silent. </p>
<p>Blake could feel his own heart beating. </p>
<p>After a few seconds, she pulled his hand back and this time pressed it against her chest, in the same direction, on the left side. That was when Blake understood what she was doing.</p>
<p>"My heart is a little bit like your heart. Beautiful, sweet and so kind heart." He started to sing softly, tears once again flowing freely down his face. His voice was weak and shaky, but he had a smile on his lips. "They sound pretty much the same, beating hard, healthy, and happy, because I'm a little bit of you." While he sang, Gwen used her other hand to touch his nose with her index finger. "And I'm a little bit of you too." She touched her own nose last. And they both laughed, even though they were sad laughs.</p>
<p>"We used to sing that every night before he went to sleep." She smiled weakly when Blake looked her in the eye. "It was his favorite lullaby, and it wasn't even real."</p>
<p>"Of course it was real." He protested, taking his hands to his own face, to wipe away the tears. “I still remember when you made it up. Jack was just a baby, too young to understand what it meant, but as soon as he was old enough to understand lyrics, he loved it more every time you sang it.” </p>
<p>Gwen laughed and nodded. "He called it 'the three hearts'. And he himself added the part where he touched our noses.”</p>
<p>Blake chuckled weakly, but then his face contorted and he had to take a deep breath. “This is horrible, my chest is hurting. I think we should stop talking about it.”</p>
<p>“No, you have to allow yourself to feel, Blake. You have to remember the good times until they stop being painful and become a comfort for you.” Gwen told him, reaching out to rub his arm, since he was lying on his side over the other arm, facing her. “If you don't cherish the good memories, all that's left is the fact that he's gone." She said.</p>
<p>Blake sobbed softly. “But he is gone. I lost him. And I still feel the pain of losing someone that I know I can't replace. I feel it right now, right here, just looking at you, because it happened to me twice. I lost you too.” At that moment — besides him, who had again burst into tears — she also felt like crying. </p>
<p>Gwen wanted to console him, but his words were like thorns going deep under her skin and settling in forever.  She was very familiar with the pain of losing someone who was irreplaceable, and she fully understood the fact that being face to face with the only other person who had a pain almost identical to hers, but with whom she hadn’t shared anything for quite some time, made everything even worse, instead of better. </p>
<p>Gwen wanted to help him, but touching his trauma opened up all her wounds, and they hadn't even healed properly yet.</p>
<p>"I'm right here." She whispered as she snuggled close to him. In a matter of seconds, Gwen had decided to sacrifice herself, at least in that moment, because he needed it more than she did. </p>
<p>Blake sobbed again, this time in a muffled way, because he had buried his face in the curve of her neck. And Gwen rubbed his back as if he was a frightened child who needed to be cuddled and loved.</p>
<p>Blake didn’t know that he would find so much comfort in the act of crying in someone's arms, he had never tried that before, thinking that he wouldn’t be able to feel good about it. He always saved his sorrow for the darkest moments, the quietest corners, and the loneliest hours. Those were the only places and moments he would let his grief show. Away from the eyes of others, but also away from affection and comfort. </p>
<p>What he had at that moment was much better, but also made him feel worse for never being able to do that for Gwen when she needed it. He understood her reasons for leaving him behind more than he ever had before, but it wasn't like it was comforting to him at all. </p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
<em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Jack, where are you?"  Blake walked slowly down the hall, pretending not to know where the boy was hiding, but the truth was that he had already seen the fort made of sheets move.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He laughed quietly, making his way to the half-open door to the boy's room. “I thought I saw a little boy come in here. A very small one, with curly hair. He was just brushing his teeth before bed and before I knew he had disappeared.” At that moment he heard a low chuckle coming from the direction of the fort, in the corner of the room. “Oh, I heard that."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Shhh!" Another voice warned the boy and Blake realized that Gwen was with him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hmm, this is interesting." He took more steps toward the bed sheet and Jack's muffled laugh echoed in the room again. There was nothing that made him happier and more fulfilled than that specific laugh. His son's laugh.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake ducked down on the floor, near the entrance to the makeshift fort and pulled the sheet back just a little, but he could already see Jack and Gwen huddled inside. There was a small table there, and he wouldn't fit between the wooden legs, so he had to improvise. He just put his arm inside, making the other two scream and laugh about it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Look, I'm going to get two bunnies at once." Blake purposely used a cartoon villain's voice.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You are not going to catch the princess, monster." Jack hit his arm with a plastic sword. Honestly that hurt a little, but Blake didn't care, it was part of their game.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"She's mine, Captain America!" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"No daddy, I'm Spiderman." Jack whispered to him, changing the character voice he used and making Gwen laugh.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Oh sorry." Blake cleared his throat. The boy wanted to be a different superhero every week, so it was hard to keep up. "She's mine, Spiderman!" He went right back to using the fake villain’s voice.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake pulled Jack by the heel, eliciting loud screams and laughter from the boy. "Got you!" He started to plant kisses across Jack's face, neck, and even his belly, while tickling his whole body too. The boy was laughing so hard that he was out of breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Ok, enough of that, it's time for heroes and monsters to go to sleep." Gwen interrupted them, and Blake thought it best not to contradict her, since she was always right about their son's routine.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Ok, let's go to bed, Spiderman.” He pulled the boy a little further away from the fort made of sheets and lifted him off the floor, taking him in his arms.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You know you're not a monster, right, daddy?” Jack asked as he hugged Blake's neck. "You are the greatest hero.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"He really is the greatest hero.” Gwen had stood up too and hugged them both.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Maybe I’m half a hero." Blake laughed softly. “But the best thing I've ever done is right here." He rocked Jack in his arms.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What?" The boy asked with big, curious blue eyes.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You, little man." He kissed the boy's forehead.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Mommy helped you." Jack said that because that's what Blake always used to said to everybody.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“That's right." He rubbed Gwen's arm lightly with his free hand. “If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn't be so perfect." He kissed his wife's forehead too.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Ok, bed now." She said and the two boys obeyed her request. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake laid Jack on the bed and Gwen covered him and tucked him in, then each sat on one side of the boy's bed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She turned on the dinosaur lamp. “Sweet dreams, baby.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"We love you, buddy." Blake caressed his face. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“My heart is a little bit like your heart. Beautiful, sweet and so kind heart." Jack started to sing. His voice was barely above a whisper and he was already rubbing his eyes. "They sound pretty much the same, beating hard, healthy, and happy, because I'm a little bit of you." Even though the boy was tired, he reached out to touch the tip of Blake’s nose and then did the same to Gwen’s. "And I'm a little bit of you too."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Both parents leaned down to kiss the boy's cheeks.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Goodnight, buddy."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Goodnight daddy, goodnight mommy."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Blake opened his eyes, but facing the silence of the dark room was very painful for him. That memory that came in the form of a dream made it even clearer that he had lived the best time of his life without even acknowledging that he was living it. He didn't know he was going to lose all that soon and he didn't have time to enjoy every single moment, even those that seemed ordinary. </p>
<p>When he got used to the darkness and paid more attention to the surroundings, he realized that he was not alone, Gwen was still in bed with him. It brought him a great sense of comfort, like the good feeling people only feel around loved ones, and if they weren't cuddled up in Jack's little bed, Blake would have sworn he woke up somewhere in the past.</p>
<p>Gwen was facing him, with her head laid on his chest and he had his arm around her. That wasn’t really the way they used to sleep together, but that bed was too small and they were practically embraced or else they wouldn't fit in it together. </p>
<p>Everything about that woman reminded him of a time that would never come back: Her face, the way she smelled, her soft blond hair, her silky skin… everything. And he loved her, but he couldn't have her. However, Blake had learned from Jack’s loss that sometimes the best thing he could do for the people he loved was let them go. Or at least that was what people said to him all the time. </p>
<p>
  <em>“Let them go."</em> They said. <em>"What is truly yours will come back to you in time." </em>But the right time never came, and now they were getting rid of the last bond they still had: their forever home.
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Blake sighed deeply and his fingertips ran down Gwen's arm, lightly caressing her skin. He didn't even realize he was doing it until she sighed and moved, snuggling even closer to him.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Just 5 more minutes, Blakey. I'm still watching this.” She murmured. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He froze for a number of reasons, first: he shouldn't be touching her and he knew it. Gwen was his ex-wife and at that point they were not even friends anymore, since they hadn't spoken in years. Second: The way she called him was the way she used to call him when they were together, which made him believe that she was also lost somewhere in the past in her dreams, probably one of the countless times he carried her from the couch to their bed when she would fall asleep while watching TV. And many other reasons that he couldn't even list at that moment when he realized he was doing something he shouldn't be doing.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>But he couldn't get away from her, though. Gwen was snuggled against his chest, so Blake decided to hug her and enjoy the time he had left, letting go of all his insecurities to do so. She wasn’t just any stranger, she was his wife for 8 years, she was his son’s mother, the person he knew the most in life. It didn't matter that they were away for two years, they were together much longer than that. His arm wrapped around her body and Blake rested his chin on the top of her head, closing his eyes and inhaling the pleasant smell of her hair. Suddenly, the forever home seemed like a real home to him again.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Blake was much more comfortable than he had been at any point in the past two years. He was almost falling asleep, but then that laugh made him open his eyes quickly. At first he thought it was in his head, since remembering Jack's laugh was something he did often, but it was so real that time. It didn't seem to be only in his mind, it seemed like is was coming from the corner of the room. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>Blake lifted his neck a little — as far as he could with Gwen basically laying on top of him — and scanned the room. At first he didn’t see anything, until the laughter echoed again and he quickly turned his head to the place from which it seemed to originate: The fort made of sheets. He stared, but that corner seemed darker than all the others. Everything seemed quiet again in a matter of seconds, but when the laughter echoed, cutting through the silence again, Blake saw the sheet that was hanging rise and fall as if a small body had risen inside the fort, and then ducked down again. Like they used to do in their hide-and-seek games. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>He gasped and threw his body back against the headboard, pulling Gwen along with him in a single bump, and waking her up in the process.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Blake, what are you doing?" She quickly looked around because he still had a facial expression of pure terror. “Are you ok?"</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>"I..." He wanted to tell her exactly what had just happened, but he didn't know if he should. He didn’t even know what had happened exactly. "I think I just had a nightmare." He chose to say that because he still couldn’t believe his eyes, after all it was the only logical explanation, and he didn’t want her to think he was going crazy. Maybe he was just daydreaming. </em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>"Oh God, you scared me." She seemed to finally relax.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>"I'm sorry." He took his arm that was still wrapped around her and they both seemed a little embarrassed.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>"It's ok." Gwen sat on the bed. “I think I'm going to sleep in the other room. This bed is too small.”</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Ok.” Was all Blake said.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Goodnight, Blake." She got out of bed to leave the room.</em>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em>“Goodnight, Gwen."</em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wish a very merry Christmas to those who celebrate it. </p>
<p>All I want for Christmas is to thank you guys for reading this. I love you ♥️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Let it snow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope y’all had amazing holidays and that you’re staying safe and healthy. </p>
<p>Now we are back to it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gwen woke up that morning — on Sunday, December 23rd — with a bad feeling that she didn’t even know where it was coming from, and the first thing she thought about was to go check on Blake. She had slept in the room that used to be theirs, and as soon as she got up, she looked for him in Jack’s room, where she saw him last, but the boy’s room was empty, despite the unmade bed. </p>
<p>She then crossed the hallway towards the guest room, where Blake had said he would stay that weekend. As she passed the communal bathroom, she realized that the door was open. Without even thinking, she pulled the handle as fast as she could to close it quickly, not even looking at the room.</p>
<p>Only then did she make her way to the guest room. </p>
<p>Through the crack in the door, she noticed that Blake was still laying on the bed, so she knocked lightly.</p>
<p>"Hey.” Gwen opened the door a little more when she saw him move on the bed and turn towards her. “I just wanted to check if you're ok."</p>
<p>"I'm fine." He turned very slowly to lie on his back and look at her, but quickly closed his eyes again. “Just a little headache, but it's usual."</p>
<p>She knew it. Her intuition was never wrong. "You've been complaining about this headache since yesterday, it doesn't seem normal to me." She said, honestly. She knew she could be honest with him. “I'm going to make you some tea, I'm sure we still have that tea that works quickly for headaches. You'll be brand new in minutes.”</p>
<p>"Gwen, I really don't want to be another problem. I know we both have many problems." Blake said, but he groaned in pain at the end of his sentence, because he was trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal, but any effort made the migraine worse, and he could barely open his eyes.</p>
<p>“I'm going to make it and you will drink it. I'll be right back." Gwen ignored what he said, of course. It was no problem to her, she wanted to help him.</p>
<p>Blake didn't contradict her anymore, he hated to upset her anyway, and at that moment he wasn’t even strong enough for that. Using all the strength he still had, he reached out and grabbed the antidepressant over the night stand that was next to the bed. It was with great effort that he got up a little to take another pill and rinse it down his throat with a sip of water. It wouldn't help with the headache, but it would certainly force him to sleep.</p>
<p>Gwen returned a few minutes later and sat on the edge of the bed. The mug with hot tea in her hand smelled of lemon and honey, he noticed as he sat up slowly.</p>
<p>"Oh god, you can barely move, Blake." She looked at him with a surprised look. "Please, drink it all." And then she handed him the mug.</p>
<p>Blake, again, did as she asked, he blew the hot drink until it was at the right temperature and then drank it all, slowly. It didn't taste too bad, but he doubted it would help with the monstrous headaches he had been having.</p>
<p>“It wasn't too bad, was it?" Gwen asked as if he was a child who had just had a vaccine.</p>
<p>He chuckled. "It wasn't too bad." And confirmed.</p>
<p>She immediately smiled and felt great affection for him.  Gwen always thought of Blake as the kind of good man who deserved a good life, and she still felt the same way about him. She was very sorry that he was in pain, and she could only imagine how strong that pain had to be, because he was a strong man, and he did not tend to complain about anything, unless it really bothered him.</p>
<p>That made her think that maybe she could spend a few extra minutes there before she went back to packing, even though Sunday was her last day at the house and she had to go back in time for the holidays.</p>
<p>"Hey, come here." She called to him as she crawled on the bed to sit in between the pillows. "Do you remember that massage I gave you and Jack whenever you had headaches?"</p>
<p>“Yes I remember." Blake laughed, already wondering what she had in mind. "Are you going to do this for me?"</p>
<p>"Sure." Gwen sat with her legs crossed and placed a pillow over her lap. “Lay down here."</p>
<p>“What? Really?” Even though he asked that question, he couldn't believe she was really going to do that for him. “Are you sure?" He wanted to confirm. She nodded. "Ok."  He did as he was told and laid facing up, with his head laying on the pillow that was on her lap.</p>
<p>She waited for him to adjust himself and then slowly began to massage his temples on both sides of his forehead with her index and middle fingers. With her thumbs, she also massaged the center of his forehead, alternating between one area and another so as not to make him sore, and trying to be very delicate.</p>
<p>"That's… actually really good. I had forgotten.” After only the first few minutes, Blake already had a hoarse, sleepy voice.</p>
<p>“Do you feel better?" She asked in a very low voice tone.</p>
<p>"Much more comfortable, for sure." He wasn’t going to tell her that his headache wasn’t better, because he felt good like that, with her by his side. </p>
<p>"Do you want me to leave to let you rest a bit?" Gwen wanted to know.</p>
<p> He shook his head. “No. Please, stay."</p>
<p>She smiled, even though he wasn't going to see it, because he had his eyes closed. "I can stay until you sleep."</p>
<p>“Sing for me?" Blake asked in a low tone.</p>
<p> "Me?" She seemed surprised with that request.</p>
<p> "Yes, I like it when you sing, your voice is beautiful." He answered honestly, already somewhat groggy with sleep.</p>
<p>Gwen softly laughed, but she thought about that and decided to grant his wish, even though it seemed silly. While thinking about what she could sing, the snow falling very subtly outside the window and the season left only one option:</p>
<p>“Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we've no place to go let it snow, let it snow, let it snow " Blake chuckled quietly because of her song choice, and she ended up laughing with him. “It doesn't show signs of stoppin' and I brought me some corn for poppin'. The lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It didn't take long for Blake to fall asleep right there, with his head laying on the pillow over Gwen's lap. She stopped the massage little by little and managed to get up without waking him up very much, but when he moved a little, she stroked his hair slowly until he fell asleep again.</p>
<p>Since she was getting ready to leave the room, to let him rest, she took the opportunity to get the mug he had placed on the nightstand after drinking all the tea, so she could take it back to the kitchen. As soon as she grabbed the mug, Gwen noticed the orange medicine bottle that was hidden behind it. The prescription was for Blake, it had his name on it, and she knew it was a strong antidepressant. </p>
<p>That, in addition to the nightmares he was having, she knew it was a bad sign, but at least he had professional help to prescribe something like that. She also knew how important that was from experience.</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>
  <em>"You're getting really warm, honey." Gwen had her cheek pressed to Blake's forehead, taking his temperature, since both of her hands were busy massaging his temples. He was lying on her lap, his head resting on one of her thighs.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Maybe you shouldn't be so close to me, baby, we don't know what I have." He said to her. His voice was hoarse and his throat ached.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I don’t care." She leaned forward a little more to kiss his lips. "I have to take care of you."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Who's going to take care of Jack if we're both sick?" He replied, making her chuckle softly.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"It's just the flu, we'll be fine." She insisted.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You are so stubborn." Blake laughed too, shaking his head.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"But seriously, honey, you're really warm, I'm going to put you in the shower and get you some Tylenol." Gwen started to get up, but he held her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Honey, can't I just stay here and get some sleep?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No, baby, you never get sick. I'm worried about you." She insisted, this time using her most powerful weapon: Her best pleading face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How could Blake say no? He would never say no to her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Ok, but I'm fine, don't worry." He reached out to hold her waist and Gwen leaned forward again, this time to kiss his face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Jack, baby?" She called to the boy who was playing with toy cars in the corner of the room, on the hardwood floor.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes mommy?" He approached her, resting his elbows on the bed. "Is daddy okay?" he asked, and then Blake turned to look at him. “Are you okay, daddy?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes baby, he's just a little sick." Gwen stroked her son's hair. "Do you want to help me make daddy some tea?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Can I really?" Jack was instantly excited. He stood on his tiptoes and shook his little hands, barely able to contain his excitement, just because he was allowed to help with something. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes of course. You’re such a big boy." She chuckled. “I'm going to take him to the shower. Why don't you choose something for him to wear? Something comfortable, pajamas maybe. And then wait for me downstairs in the kitchen.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"It's a great idea." The boy agreed as if he was the adult who needed to have the last word. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake laughed. "Thank you, buddy.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Don't worry, daddy, we'll take good care of you." He took his little hand to his father's face and stroked his cheeks carefully. Jack was always really gentle and loving. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I know you will, monkey." Blake smiled. “But you are too close. I don't know what I have and you don't want to be sick, right? ”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Right. I'm sorry, daddy.” Jack took his hand off Blake’s face. "What pajamas do you want to wear?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Whatever you want, little man." He replied as he sat on the bed. "Why don't you choose what you like the most?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Mom told auntie Jen that your clothes all look the same." The boy told him, while dragging his stuffed monkey with him into his parents' closet.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hey." Blake frowned at Gwen.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I didn’t lie." She shrugged as she carefully pulled her husband off the bed and into the master bathroom. “Meet me in the kitchen when you choose daddy's pajamas, ok baby?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Ok, mommy." Jack replied from inside the closet.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"How did we get so lucky?" Blake asked her. "We made the perfect little boy."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“That’s genetics, honey." She simply answered him, softly chuckling. "He got it from his mom."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Definitely." Blake agreed. Gwen laughed, but the next second he was being pressed against the glass shower door.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her lips touched his and they exchanged a rather intense kiss.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Honey, you’re going to get sick." Blake said when he broke the kiss and looked at her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen rolled her eyes. "Don't be so dramatic."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Blake suddenly opened his eyes, and the feeling of despair soon hit him hard. He didn't want that to be another dream created from a vivid memory he had of a time when his family was happy, but of course it was just what it was. His family would never be happy like that again, Jack was gone and Gwen probably couldn’t even wait to leave him behind for good. They only had one last step to take: they had to sell their forever home. But in order to do that, they had to finish packing the things they wanted, it wouldn't help Blake to lay there like an old rock, he had to ignore that headache and take care of what he had to do. He was very good at ignoring things, he was sure of that.</p>
<p>Blake stood up at once and his head hurt so badly with the sudden movement that he had to put both hands on his forehead. His vision blurred, so he closed his eyes.</p>
<p>He was completely focused on the absurd pain he was feeling when he heard a whisper coming from somewhere inside the room.</p>
<p>"Daddy?" He opened his eyes quickly and looked around, but it was already dark and he couldn't see more than a foot in front of his face. "Are you okay, daddy?" That little voice was unmistakable, it was his son's worried and sweet tone. "You are ok?" The voice repeated.</p>
<p>"Jack?" Blake decided to call back, and his eyes started to get more and more used to the darkness, which made it easier to scan around the room.</p>
<p>"It's me. It’s Jack." The boy answered, and it was then that he managed to follow the voice to the left corner of the room, the darkest space between the bed and the closed window, and he thought he saw a shadow, sitting down on the floor, looking down, the way Jack used to be when was playing with his car toys. </p>
<p>Blake's eyes widened, but the shadow did not disappear, on the contrary, it was even more evident. He could then easily see Jack’s back, the red T-shirt he loved to wear, and his curls on the back of his neck.</p>
<p>He decided that he needed to investigate that further, to make sure it wasn’t just his mind playing games with him, so he approached the corner of the bed closest to where the boy was. </p>
<p>Blake didn't know why he was moving so slowly or why his heart was beating so fast, but he thought it was instinct, and the fact that it seemed like something would jump over him at any moment, like in a horror movie. </p>
<p>On the edge of the bed, he stretched out his arm, and as he approached his son's small silhouette, he found that the temperature inside the room dropped more and more with every inch he got closer.</p>
<p>"I brought you dinner." The door opened with a long creak and Blake jumped in fright, turning in time to see Gwen come in with a tray and a bowl on it.</p>
<p>Still stunned, he faced the dark corner of the room again, but there was nothing there, and the light that came from the hallway, now that the door was open, left no doubt that it was just an empty corner of the guest room. No one was there. Jack wasn’t there. </p>
<p>Blake released a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding before.</p>
<p>"Are you ok?" Gwen noticed that he seemed distracted and was facing the opposite corner of the room.</p>
<p>“Hm… yes. My head hurts a little still.” Blake straightened up on the bed, resting his back on the soft pillows. </p>
<p>She opened the legs of the tray and rested it on the bed beside him. "I made broccoli and cheese soup." </p>
<p>"You didn't have to cook for me." He said, but the truth was, he appreciated that. </p>
<p>“Oh come on, we both know that I suck at it. I hope you survive.” Gwen joked, and made him laugh.</p>
<p>Blake stirred the spoon in the bowl. “You knew how to make this soup like no one else, if I remember correctly. It was Jack's favorite.”</p>
<p>"Yeah, well... It's been a long time since the last time I made this." She shrugged, looking away and facing the floor.</p>
<p>Gwen knew it was Jack's favorite soup, the one he always asked for when he was sick, or when it was too cold, she had cooked it because of that, but the fact that Blake brought it up was just further proof that he was the only other person who kept all possible memories of Jack, like she did, even those that seemed most ordinary or insignificant. No one else missed the little boy like the two of them.</p>
<p>When she was looking up again, her gaze found the orange medicine bottle again, and without thinking too much, Gwen reached out and picked it up.</p>
<p>Blake was blowing the second spoonful of soup when he heard the pills crashing into one another, and turned his head.</p>
<p>She showed him she had them in her hand. "When I asked if you were ok, I meant it in general."</p>
<p>Blake spent a few seconds staring at Gwen without really knowing what to say, while the spoonful of soup burned down his throat, because he had swallowed it too quickly, nervously, before he finished blowing on it. </p>
<p>He didn't want to lie to her, so the truth came out easily. “I’ve had worse days. I'm seeing a therapist, even though I didn't really want to.” He confessed for the first time something he had never said to anyone before. It was always like that between them, they could tell each other anything and everything. “It's still weird for me, but I couldn't sleep at all, and the pills sometimes help, but my therapist said that if I stop the sessions he won't be prescribing the pills anymore, so I sit there and say half a dozen words for him to give me the prescription.” </p>
<p>Gwen came over and sat on the edge of the bed, facing him now. “This is great, I'm proud of you."  She did not diminish the effort he had to make to ask for help, especially because she knew him very well to know that he must have gone through hell to recognize that he needed professional help.</p>
<p>“What about you? How are you holding up? Do you have help?” He suddenly asked, but she knew he just wanted to take the focus off himself.</p>
<p>"Yes, my family helps a lot, and I also sought professional help." Gwen told him. "I don't know if any of this will ever stop being distressing and devastating, but I'm trying, and I'm very glad you're trying too." </p>
<p>Blake nodded, even though he didn't want to. He didn't think trying would help at all, he would never be able to live a normal life after the trauma of losing Jack, especially now that he didn’t even have Gwen, and he was fully aware of that.</p>
<p>Suddenly Gwen leaned forward and her hand touched his face. Blake closed his eyes, silently enjoying the way her fingertips slid across the skin on his cheek. The soft and so familiar touch made his torso move towards her, her touch, her warmth.</p>
<p>He wanted to hug her again, as he had the night before. Suddenly he even wanted to ask her not to leave him again. He would take care of her. All Blake wanted was to be able to take care of her.</p>
<p>And then he remembered: It was Sunday, December 23rd, and the sky was already completely dark. What was she still doing there?</p>
<p>Maybe she was saying goodbye. </p>
<p>That thought caused his heart to tighten. If she left at that moment, it would be the end, and it would be forever. He knew very well that was the plan from the beginning: They had to pack their things, say goodbye and sell the house, but that weekend had gone by too quickly.</p>
<p>Blake's heart started to beat fast. "Are you leaving?" He found the courage to ask her. </p>
<p>“No." Gwen responded quickly and briefly.</p>
<p>"No?" He was confused even though that was the answer he was hoping for.</p>
<p>“No, the snowstorm that was scheduled for Christmas Eve will arrive earlier. It should hit us anytime, in fact.” She told him. “It will be a dangerous storm and temperatures will drop even more. So the authorities are asking people to stay home to avoid accidents over the holiday. Driving back to LA is out of the question.”</p>
<p>Blake took a few seconds to assimilate that — perhaps because the migraine still hurt as if something was crushing his skull — but as soon as he did, all the despair and tension within him gave way to enormous relief, which he soon realized he shouldn't be feeling.</p>
<p>"Does that mean we're going to be stuck here for Christmas?" Even though he wanted to celebrate the extra time he had just gotten, that he would spend with her and at their home, Blake acted like it was normal news.</p>
<p>"It seems so. It’s going to snow hard for days and we should be stuck until the night of the 25th or the morning of the 26th, they’re not sure.” Gwen said. “The realtor also called. She said that they will not be able to come and evaluate the house tomorrow, because of the storm and the next available date is January 3rd.”</p>
<p>"Oh." This time Blake was really surprised, even if that part was easy to deduce. “Well, at least it gives us a little more time to deal with the memories and the things we want to keep. We're not even close to finishing doing that and packing everything.”</p>
<p>“Actually, I finished almost everything today." Gwen got up from the bed, placing his medicine bottle back on the nightstand. “Only the attic is left. Most of the memories are there, so I didn't want to do it without you.” She said, and with a slight sad smile, she turned to leave the room. “We can do this tomorrow, you better rest today."</p>
<p>"Wait, Gwen." Blake didn't need much to notice the change in her behavior. "You had plans, didn't you?" </p>
<p>She turned to him again. "For Christmas? Yes." </p>
<p>And that was when Blake realized that there was an aspect of her new life that Gwen had never talked about, and it made his heart race again. The math was easy. "Someone is waiting for you, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes." She answered and Blake felt the exact moment when his heart sank so hard it seemed like a nervous hand was crushing it. "My mom." She completed her sentence then, easing the tension in his muscles and in his broken heart. “You know how she is. I ran away from her these past two years, but this year I was really planning to spend Christmas with them, because of Stella and Leo. My mom won't believe me when I say we're stuck here, she will think I’m running again.” Gwen laughed. Probably not out of humor, but irony. </p>
<p>Blake was still recovering from that slight scare. His heart still hurt. "So you don't have someone else?" He ended up asking, but regretted it the next second.</p>
<p>"Wait, what?" She frowned. “Did you think I had someone else? Like as in a boyfriend or something?” Even trying to stay serious, Gwen ended up laughing at that. "Oh God, Blake, I haven't been with anyone else in... I don't even know, 12 years?"</p>
<p>He ended up laughing with relief as well. “I know, we dated for 2 years, and then we were married for 8 years."</p>
<p>"And we've been divorced for 2 years." She finished the math for him. "I don't even think about anyone else."</p>
<p>That sentence did something to his heart. If Gwen didn't think about anyone else, did that mean she still thought about him? </p>
<p>"I definitely don't want anyone else." Blake took that to another level. </p>
<p>She stayed silent for a few seconds, just looking at him, but soon she got brave enough to respond. "Me neither."</p>
<p>And at that point neither of them knew what else to say or do. He thought about getting up and going towards her, but Gwen seemed to read his mind, and took a step back.</p>
<p>"I have to do some stuff in the kitchen. I packed everything, so I have to unpack now." She said as she walked slowly to the guest room door, still facing him. “Finish your dinner and rest. I'll be right back." Blake nodded and let her have her way out, if that was what she wanted.</p>
<p>He had learned a lot in that conversation they just had,  about where they stood in their relationship, and it was easy to say that Gwen did not think or feel very different from him. He knew her well. Now Blake had to decide what to do with that information. At least he had a few extra days because of that snowstorm, which he was very pleased with, and they would get to spend their last Christmas in their forever home. He would make sure to make it a special one.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Told you that you have to trust me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Winter Wonderland</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is an important chapter with a lot of new information you didn’t know so far. Attention to details is required to better shape your amazingly crazy theories. Hahahaha</p>
<p>Turn the tv/music off. 😌<br/>Grab some water, maybe tissues and let’s go.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once again, the absurd cold inside the house made Blake wake up from the deepest sleep he had in a very long time. He sat on the edge of the bed, feeling a little dizzy and still very sleepy, and rubbed his eyes. </p>
<p>The persistent headache, which was disturbing him, was still present. The room was all dark again, so Blake switched on the lamp over the nightstand. He noticed that the clock on the headboard read 2:37 in the morning. His body shivered, so he sighed deeply and got up from the bed.</p>
<p>In the upstairs hallway, he checked the thermostat, which said the heater was on, but the temperature inside was still below 50 degrees.</p>
<p>"What the hell?” Blake complained and sighed. He turned off the heater and turned it on again. The furnace pipes noise seemed to indicate that everything was working, so he couldn't say why it was always so cold in there. </p>
<p>He was so focused on the heater problem that it took him a while to hear the low tv sound downstairs. That sound gave him a familiar sensation that made his heart feel less tight. </p>
<p>Blake went down the stairs already knowing what he would find in the living room, and he couldn't explain why, but the idea that he would find Gwen sleeping on the couch, with the TV on, as in the old days, got him excited. He hurried down the steps, but stopped in the middle of the stairs when he saw Jack's stuffed monkey on one of the steps, as if it was casually sitting there, in the middle of the way. That reminded him of how the little boy used to leave toys around the house, in the most unexpected places possible, and how, after Jack died, he continued to find little traces of his son all over the house, just like it seemed to be happening now that they were back there. Blake still didn't know what was going on, but he was sure it couldn't be more than a trick of his own mind. Ghosts didn’t exist, and he liked to imagine that if there was any form of life after death, that Jack was happily living his, and not stuck there where he shouldn't be. </p>
<p>The image of the stuffed monkey took all the excitement away from Blake, and he felt so dizzy that he had to sit on the steps and wait for it to pass, or he wouldn't be able to go down the rest of the staircase. He felt sick and uncomfortable, and his head throbbed in pain again.</p>
<p>It was a few long painful seconds, but Blake managed to get up again and go down to the living room. And he was right, Gwen had fallen asleep on the couch, with the TV on, as she used to do whenever she was too tired. </p>
<p>Unlike the top floor, the living room was warm. The fireplace was on and the lights were out, except for the TV and the Christmas tree.</p>
<p>The large windows displayed the furious blizzard outside, a white mix of wind and pure snow that swirled dangerously around, wanting to hurt, wanting to destroy.</p>
<p>Even the dangerous weather made him miss a part of his life that would never come back. Blake still remembered perfectly when he and Gwen used to sit in that same living room, facing those same big glass windows to watch the snow falling outside, even before Jack was born. Blizzards were their favorite. The perfect balance between adventure and caution that used to make his heart go, ironically, warmer. </p>
<p>But now the storm outside was nothing but a problem. And he found himself lost, so many times, in a storm like that over the past two years, figuratively speaking. But it was not like he was watching it from inside a warm and comfortable living room, with the fireplace on and his favorite person beside him, it was like he was in the middle of the blizzard, not knowing where to go, because the usual landmarks were hidden under and behind the white thick layer of snow. And Blake was alone. He knew he should ask for help, he wanted to reach out to someone many times, but that storm inside of him was too strong, the wind carried his voice and it would get lost in the insurmountable blizzard noise. Inside of him there was nothing but cold. And the cold was a killer. </p>
<p>Thinking about that disturbed him as if he was agonizing again, as he had in the first few months without Jack, and in the first few months without Gwen. In the first few months without his family, which he lost entirely in what seemed like a single hit. And the agonizing pain in Blake's heart was something he knew would hurt forever, especially after they left that house once and for all. It wouldn't matter if his life changed completely, it wouldn't matter if he managed to live better times one day, no matter how much time passed, the pain of losing them would always be with him.</p>
<p>He decided to dismiss those thoughts and turned to face Gwen again. She seemed to be soundly sleeping on the couch, under a thick blanket. Her expressions were calm and her cheeks were flushed. She was probably very warm, with the fireplace so close to her and that wool blanket over her body. </p>
<p>Blake approached slowly and ducked down beside her.  He raised his hand and touched her forehead lightly, to make sure she wasn't too hot, or feverish. If he was sick, she could have gotten whatever he had, and Gwen would always get sick much easier than he would. But she wasn’t too hot, though, just warm, and apparently very comfortable, since she just sighed, but didn’t wake.</p>
<p>He stroked her face very lightly one last time, before standing up. Then he looked for the remote and turned the tv off.</p>
<p>Blake had realized that the soup Gwen had served him for dinner hadn’t been enough, because his stomach was rumbling, so he headed for the kitchen with the intention of looking for something to eat, so that maybe he could try to go back to sleep. But as soon as he passed the half wall and entered the place, which was practically in the same room as the living room, he realized that the back door was wide open.</p>
<p>"What the…?" Blake hurried to cross the kitchen and reach the door, but his head still hadn't figured it out.</p>
<p>It was impossible that he had spent all that time in the living room and didn’t realize that the kitchen door was open in the middle of a dangerous and loud blizzard. Something didn't make sense.</p>
<p>He closed the door and the kitchen went silent too.</p>
<p>Blake leaned his back against the wall and stared at the back of the couch in the living room, where Gwen was laying. He had stopped right there, next to her, minutes ago, and was unable to notice that the back door was open? It was impossible.</p>
<p>"Daddy?" That low whisper from the dark corner of the kitchen made him jump in fright, but even more terrifying was when he turned to look for where it was coming from and found the small figure of his son leaning against the fridge, next to the kitchen table. </p>
<p>This time it wasn't his back, or the red shirt he liked to wear, it was Jack who was standing there, facing him, in the dark kitchen. He had his curious blue eyes that Blake would never mistake for anyone else’s, his curls were messy like when he just woke up, and he was wearing his dark blue onesie pajamas that had a red rocket in front.</p>
<p>His son was there, right in front of him again, as Blake had dreamed of so many times. He couldn't even say how much he had wished for that to happen, even if it was for one last time. Even if he had to switch places with Jack and die, instead of him. He would gladly trade his life for that of the boy without even blinking. </p>
<p>Blake felt his body get heavy and then fell to his knees on the cold kitchen tile floor. "Jack?" His weak, shaky voice broke when he started to cry, and his vision was immediately blurred by tears.</p>
<p>At that moment, the boy's eyes widened. "Daddy, are you okay?" He whispered, as if he knew he couldn't make a sound so as not to wake his mother.</p>
<p>Blake couldn't say whether the pain he felt in his chest was because he seemed to have forgotten how to breathe, or if it was just because of the way he missed his son. </p>
<p>"Jack..." He called again, crying. He also seemed to have forgotten how to say anything other than the boy's name.</p>
<p>Jack took a cautious step forward, his small body leaving the darkness behind and stepping into the light. The little boy's clearer vision took Blake's breath away. His perfect face, his inquisitive blue eyes, his messy curls... Jack looked exactly like he looked 2 years ago, he was the same size, he wore the same clothes, and when he got close enough, Blake even felt the same sweet smell he used to have. </p>
<p>The little boy seemed startled by his reaction, but not enough to keep his distance. Jack moved closer until his small hand touched his father's face affectionately. The touch was not cold as Blake imagined it could be, it was warm and full of life, exactly as he remembered it.</p>
<p>"Don't be afraid, daddy." Jack whispered. His small fingers wiped the tears from Blake's face. "I am here because I love you."</p>
<p>Blake sobbed. "I love you so much." Although hesitant and afraid that it was just a delusion, he opened his arms and wrapped his son's small body in a hug.</p>
<p>That feeling of holding him was something Blake thought he would never be able to feel again, and it brought more tears to his eyes. He pressed Jack to his body and stroked the boy's curls as he cried softly.</p>
<p>Blake didn't care if that seemed crazy, he didn't care if it was real or not, it seemed real to him, it felt so real, and if that was the way he would get Jack back, he would accept it without hesitation. He would rather go completely insane than not being able to hug his son ever again.</p>
<p>And Jack hugged him back. With his little arms wrapped around Blake’s neck. Everything felt like when he was still there, and Blake started to think that maybe he never really left. </p>
<p>Jack let go of the hug and looked at him again. “You’ve changed some.” The little boy affectionately stroked his face again, and he thought he saw a look of sadness that he had never seen on his son’s face. It looked a lot like Gwen's disappointed look when she looked at him these days.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry." Blake thought he should say.</p>
<p>"It's ok, daddy." Jack smiled at him. The smile exposed the boy's dimples, just like the ones he also had. "Everything will be fine now. We just need to leave the darkness behind.”</p>
<p>Blake heard Gwen move on the couch and Jack looked towards the living room. When the two of them looked at each other again, the boy had a serious countenance.</p>
<p>"I'm not here just because of you." He whispered in an even lower tone. "Mommy isn't as strong as she pretends to be."</p>
<p>As soon as Jack finished that sentence, Blake heard Gwen sob and start crying in the next room. His heart sank again. </p>
<p>Jack took his hands off Blake's face and he realized that he had stopped crying and hadn't even noticed. The little boy took a step back, hiding in the darkness of the kitchen again.</p>
<p>“She is not ready. Just tell her it wasn't her fault, ok?” Blake was very confused when he said that. </p>
<p>"Wait, Jack."</p>
<p>"Mommy needs you, daddy." That sentence sent a chill running up Blake's spine. The last time Gwen needed him, he wasn't there for her.</p>
<p>He looked toward the living room for a second and turned to Jack again, but he could no longer see his son's shadow in the darkness of the kitchen. He was gone.</p>
<p>Blake could still hear Gwen's desperate cry, so he quickly got up from the kitchen floor. That movement made his head spin and hurt again, but he ignored it and proceeded to the next room.</p>
<p>Gwen seemed startled when he hurriedly entered the living room. She was sitting on the couch, her face all wet with tears, and she was hugging Jack's stuffed monkey — the same one that Blake had seen on the steps a few minutes earlier. </p>
<p>She seemed to swallow her sorrow quick and changed her sad expression to a confused one. "What were you doing in the kitchen?" She asked, looking around. </p>
<p>That wasn’t enough to fool Blake, though, he knew her very well. Instead of answering her question, he stepped forward and sat beside her on the couch, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug that silently said all the comforting things he wanted to say to her, but didn’t exactly know how. </p>
<p>Gwen took only half a second to surrender into his arms and began to sob uncontrollably. Blake rubbed her back and stroked her hair, but he also felt his own hot tears running down his face again.</p>
<p>"I woke up and his monkey was by my side." She cried. "Why did you do that?"</p>
<p>"I..." <em>I didn't do that</em> — he wanted to say it, but he didn't say that. “I thought it was going to make you happy. It smells like him.” He lied.</p>
<p>Blake was happy to see Jack and touch him again, but not being able to share that with Gwen was suffocating. However, Jack was right, she wasn't ready for that.</p>
<p>Gwen let go of the hug and grabbed the stuffed monkey that was on her lap. She took it close to her face and closed her eyes to smell it. </p>
<p>Blake watched her in silence.  </p>
<p>"You're right." She agreed. "It smells like him."</p>
<p>He nodded, but did not anticipate her next move. Gwen leaned forward and snuggled back against his chest. Blake then closed his arms around her and pressed her closer to his body.</p>
<p>"Do you feel better?" She asked quietly. </p>
<p>"Yes." He replied. It wasn't entirely a lie, it was the best he'd felt since Jack was gone.</p>
<p>"Sleep with me." Gwen suddenly asked, making Blake hold his breath. "Sleep with me in our room." She looked up to look at him.</p>
<p>He tilted his head down and his lips touched the top of her forehead. "Of course." He said. </p>
<p>For some reason, he felt an overwhelming urge to cry.</p>
<p>Gwen got up first, but took Blake by the hand and they went up the stairs together to the second floor. However, as soon as they stepped into the hallway, she froze.</p>
<p>"Are you doing this on purpose?" Gwen suddenly asked, and Blake had to follow the direction of her gaze to know what she was referring to. </p>
<p>It still didn't make sense to him, though. "What are you talking about?" He asked. </p>
<p>Gwen rolled her eyes. “This damn door!" She went to the common bathroom door and closed it in one pull. </p>
<p>The door slammed and the loud noise was very disturbing inside the silent house.</p>
<p>Blake was frozen in the middle of the hallway. He knew very well why Gwen was upset with the door to that room being open. The only thing he could think of was Jack's words. </p>
<p>
  <em>Tell her it wasn't her fault.  </em>
</p>
<p>"It wasn't your fault." Blake whispered.</p>
<p>"Blake..." Gwen looked at him with wide eyes.</p>
<p>"It was not your fault. It could have happened to anyone, at any time.” He insisted.</p>
<p>"Blake, I swear to God..." She turned her back to him, but she couldn't move to leave and let him talk to himself the way she wanted to.</p>
<p>"It was an accident." He came over to hug her from behind.</p>
<p>"Please stop." Gwen sobbed, begging him to drop that matter one last time. "Please..."</p>
<p>"You have to understand that it wasn't your fault." Blake insisted anyway. "You can't blame yourself forever"</p>
<p>"Yes I can!" Gwen turned to face him and pushed on his chest to push him away from her. She snapped, and she knew that was coming. "You don’t know, because you were not here!" </p>
<p>He didn’t care, he got closer to her again and hugged her tighter, in silence, as she gasped and cried. One second was enough for him to know what to say, even if it was a big effort for him, due to all the bad memories he had of her behaving in that aggressive way. </p>
<p>"I know, honey. I'm so sorry." He accepted his part of the guilt, and Gwen relented in his arms again. </p>
<p>She started to painfully cry one more time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>FLASHBACK — </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“He has a high fever and a headache. I don't know what he has, probably some new virus.” Gwen was comfortably cuddling Jack under the covers, in his room. “Say hi to grandma, baby.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hi, grandma!” The little boy said, even though his face was buried in his mother’s neck, while his fingers were entwined in her hair, behind her ear.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>His stuffed monkey was safe, hugged by the boy's other arm, and Betty was laying close to their feet, also sharing the small single bed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Did you check his throat?" Her mother asked over the phone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yes, it seems normal." She touched the little boy's neck and he shuddered slightly. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Your hand is cold, mommy." Jack whined.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm sorry, baby." She leaned over to kiss the boy's cheek. “Can you put your tongue out?” She asked, and the boy did as he was asked.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>His throat was normal, nothing seemed out of the ordinary except that high fever. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What else doesn’t feel right?" Gwen asked him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jack looked away. He touched the stuffed monkey's ear and seemed to have great interest in doing it, until he decided to speak again. "Daddy's not home."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It broke Gwen's heart that that was his answer to her question. He missed Blake, and she missed him too, but there was no way he could be away from his bar that night. They desperately needed his business to start doing good, and it would only happen with his presence there.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Daddy will be here very soon, baby." She hadn't even told her husband that Jack was very feverish that night, or else he would probably manage to show up at home to be with them, and they unfortunately couldn't afford that at the moment.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I'm so tired." He said quietly. "Can I go to sleep now?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Not now, baby, mommy is making your favorite soup." She told him with a smile, and then she got up and lowered her voice to talk to her mom on the phone again. "He's burning up, mom. What do I do?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Did you call the doctor, sweetie?" The woman on the other end of the line asked.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yes, he said to come in tomorrow morning, and to give him Tylenol for the fever." She answered.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"And did you give him the medicine?" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Not yet, I thought some food and a bath could help." Gwen confessed. “I don't like to give him medicine. He's too young.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"It may help, but give him the medicine, Gwen." Her mother's voice became annoyed. "He is suffering for nothing, for God’s sake, this is no time for your peculiarities."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen pushed the phone away from her face a little to sigh impatiently, but soon returned. "Fine. Wait a minute." She put the phone away on the boy's nightstand, next to the dinosaur lamp.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen left Jack in the bedroom and crossed the hallway to the communal bathroom, which was basically just the boy's, since she and Blake used the bathroom in the master bedroom. From inside the medicine cabinet, she took out a small box of Tylenol pm for children, in drops. The number of drops the doctor had said to give him was written on the outside of the box with a sharpie. She dripped the right amount into the measuring cup and placed it over the sink, then she turned on the hot water tap in the tub, to fill it up.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen took the medicine back to the room with her. "Can you sit for me, baby?" Jack rubbed his eyes and whined softly, but did as she asked and sat on his bed. “Thank you, now open your mouth." She lifted the cup with the medicine and the boy frowned.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Is this the one that tastes really sour?" He opened his mouth anyway, because he knew he would have to take it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"No, this tastes like grapes." She promised.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Ok."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen took the small cup to the boy's mouth and he drank everything. "It wasn't so bad, was it?" She smiled and stroked his hair. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No." Jack agreed. "It really tastes like grapes." He curled up on the bed again and hid under the covers. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I'm running a nice warm bath for you, ok? I'll come and get you.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Uhum." The little boy nodded. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen picked up the phone again and left the room. The conversation with her mother was just ordinary, the older woman had a thousand problems to complain about, and Gwen doubted that she talked about it with Eric or Todd, it was always her or Jill, but Jill knew how to escape it much better than she did.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hold on a second, mom, the bath is ready, I'll get Jack." She interrupted her, or her mother would speak for an even longer time without stopping.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This time Gwen left the phone on the bathroom counter and went to get Jack in his room. The boy was sleeping with Betty nestled right by his side. The dog only lifted its head when Gwen took Jack in the arms to the bathroom.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She had to wake him up to undress him and put him in the bathtub. She leaned him against the bathtub pillow and he seemed a little more awake when he saw all the bubbles around him. Gwen sat on the edge of the bathtub and washed the boy's face and hair, then let him play with the rubber duck while she went back to listening to her mother talk up a storm on the phone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"And what about Blake? He’s not even home anymore. I thought he had understood that he needs to give up on this idea of this bar that only causes damage." After a few more minutes of talking about herself, she skipped to her next favorite subject: criticizing someone else. Her favorite thing was to point out the flaws she saw in Blake and in their lives. “I’ve told you that you should come back to LA, you could get a much better job down here and you would be close to your real family.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Actually, the bar is starting to do really well." Gwen told her, as she watched Jack rub his tired eyes.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Is that so? So it's already making a profit?” Her mother asked, without any shame.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No, mother." Gwen rolled her eyes, but ended up getting up when she saw that Jack was paying attention to her. “But it will be doing really good this summer."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"So does that mean that you are managing to pay off all the debts he got you into?" The voice on the other end of the line insisted. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen sighed and decided to step outside for a second. "Are you ok, baby?" She asked Jack first. He nodded. "I'm going to get your pajamas, ok?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Ok, mommy." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She came out of the bathroom and closed the door a little, leaving only a crack open, from which she could still see Jack. "Wow, mom, you don't give me a single break, do you?" She sighed and headed for her son's room.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When she entered, Betty lifted her head again and followed her movements with her eyes. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I was just asking questions about your life, Gwen. I’m your mother." Gwen went into the closet and pulled out the first pajamas she managed to reach in his drawer.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You were rude." She made sure to be clear. “You are always rude. Blake loves that bar and he will make it work, because he is like that, he always gets what he wants because he works and dedicates himself to what he wants.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm sorry, dear. I care about you, that's all." Her mother said. "I want you to win at life.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As soon as Gwen stepped outside the room again, she smelled the strong burning smell and heard the sound of the pot boiling downstairs.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Fuck!" She whispered on the phone. “Great, now I ruined Jack's dinner too. Thank you, mom, I feel like a winner.” On an impulse that she knew she would regret later, she hung up the phone and ran downstairs.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The soup was spread all over the stove and what was still in the pot was burnt and it smelled really bad. The mess was so much that Gwen wanted to cry.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She turned off the stove and took the pot off it, placing it inside the sink. At that moment, Betty barked upstairs.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Shh" Gwen said, but the dog was too far away to hear her. As she filled the pot with water, Betty barked again and again, and this time Gwen raised her voice to yell at her. "Betty, shut—" The phrase ended up stuck in her throat.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen had just felt the soft cloth of Jack's pajamas that she had thrown over her shoulder without even realizing when she saw the mess in the kitchen.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her heart skipped a beat and a sudden uncontrollable fear went up her spine. She was shaking with anxiety and without even having to think, she ran back upstairs. All she wanted to do was get to the bathroom and make sure everything was fine in there, but those stairs never felt so long and her legs were never so shaken.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen finally reached the hallway and pushed the door to the common bathroom at once. Instead of relief, despair was what met her. The agonized and desperate scream for help that came out of her that night was something that no one who was present there would ever forget, but there was no one, she was alone, and the scream wasn’t important to her. What she saw in that bathroom was what she would never forget.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>END FLASHBACK —</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He fell asleep." She sobbed again. “I said I was going to get his pajamas, he said ‘ok mommy’, but when I came back, he was underwater. That was the last thing he ever said.”</p>
<p>Gwen had cried so much that she seemed weak, but this time Blake was right there.</p>
<p>He knew all the major events that happened that night, he also knew what had happened to Jack according to the doctors, but Gwen had never told him the details of that night that changed their lives forever. She had never told anyone.</p>
<p>Jack had a virus or something, Gwen gave the medicine the doctor recommended, but the dosage of Tylenol added to the boy's fever and tiredness and the hot water and steam from the bath became a dangerous and silent mixture that would be almost impossible for anyone to notice before it was too late. </p>
<p>It was hard to believe that something as mundane as a bath for a sick child could take their son's life. And in a mere three minutes.</p>
<p>Someone drowns in a bathtub nearly every day in America. Babies who were left alone for a second, drunk adults, and children who fell asleep, were the best examples. The presence of water in the trachea leads to a common muscular spasm that prevents water to get in, but it also cuts off the access to the air they need to breathe, and the person gets unconscious in a matter of minutes, before they can call for help. So differently from what they show in the movies, drowning itself is never loud, it’s quiet and desperate. </p>
<p>Jack was silent, but that didn’t mean it was peaceful for him, and they knew it wasn’t. </p>
<p>He was dead before he even got to the hospital. According to the doctor on duty that night, it took Jack less than 60 seconds to go into hypoxia — that meant his body didn't have enough oxygen to fight— and in those three minutes, the cut-off of oxygen supply to the brain led to brain damage and hence, brain death. </p>
<p>"It was so fast." Gwen was still crying. Blake had taken her to their room, and they were sitting on the bed. He was holding her hand, but she was staring at the wall ahead, unable to look at him. "It was all so fast. I didn't leave him alone for long, I swear!” </p>
<p>“I know that." Blake said quickly. "It wasn't your fault, nobody blames you." </p>
<p>She sniffed, still staring at the wall. It seemed like she finally had some control over her crying, but it didn't last long, soon she was crying heavily again. </p>
<p>“I relive that night over and over in my head almost every day and I don't know how I could have been so careless and distracted. There were a thousand ways for it to not end up the way it did, but I did everything wrong. I was worried about my mom on the phone, about his pajamas, about dinner...” She sobbed. “Why the hell was I worried about dinner? I will never stop blaming myself. It was my fault.”</p>
<p>“Remember when you told me not to do this to myself? I also think you shouldn't blame yourself. It was an accident." He continued to state his opinion, and he would do that for as long as it took for her to understand.</p>
<p>Gwen felt the sharp pain in her heart settling even deeper, like a dagger that was always pushed farther in. “I got him out of there. He was not breathing and his lips were purple. I tried my best, but I failed there too. I couldn’t bring him back.” This time she was softly crying, and the way she stared at the empty wall in front of her made it clear that she was reliving everything that had happened vividly inside her head, like a movie, again and again. <em>Forever</em>. "I can still feel his weight in my arms." She opened her arms in the position of someone carrying a child. "I don't remember anything that happened after that, just the weight of my wet clothes."</p>
<p>"The hospital called me and I went straight there." Blake said quietly, staring at the same empty wall. As much as it hurt, he thought that maybe they needed to talk about that night too. “He was already gone when I got there. I couldn't even say goodbye.”</p>
<p>That sentence made Gwen sob again. She laid her head lightly on his shoulder and Blake took his hand to her face, his fingers intertwining in her hair. But they were still staring at the wall ahead.</p>
<p>"Do you sometimes wonder if there is a reason why they took him from us?" She suddenly asked, and that made Blake think deeply. “I mean, why would God take Jack's life so soon? He was a baby... He had never hurt anyone.” Her voice broke and she needed to wipe her own tears in order to see anything. “So was it a punishment for us? Was it because we needed to learn something? Was it a stupid lesson?”</p>
<p>“I don't think we are supposed to understand it now." Blake said quietly, still stroking her face. “It's not anyone's fault. Not Jack’s, not ours, not God’s.”</p>
<p>"It's my fault." Gwen said again. "And you know it too."</p>
<p>"Hey, I never blamed you." Blake denied that as soon as he heard it. "I know you. I know you would never do anything to purposely harm him.”</p>
<p>Gwen finally raised her head to look at him. Her gaze was far away from threatening, nor did it have the usual touch of disappointment. Looking at her in that moment, all Blake could see was pure pain. “But you could barely look at me. You left me crying alone.” She barely managed to say those things, her voice broke another time and her face contorted again. "I thought you hated me, and you would be right if you did."</p>
<p>"Gwen, no." Blake wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. He hugged her and she cried with her head lying on his chest this time. “I never blamed you. I could never hate you. I love you." </p>
<p>Gwen sobbed and looked up at him. “I didn't leave you because you let me cry alone. At first I thought that was the reason, but I found out later that what made me leave you was the fact that I couldn't live with the guilt of having taken so much away from you.” She confessed, still crying softly. “That’s the reason why I’m so angry all the time too. I’m angry at myself.” </p>
<p>At that point Blake also had tears in his eyes. He thought his tendency to push his grief away was heavy, but Gwen’s grief was unbearable, and her guilt was clearly taking away huge parts of who she was. Parts she would never recover. </p>
<p>"You didn't take anything from me but your presence, and I miss you every single day." He used his soft voice to tell her.</p>
<p>Her face contorted another time and she lowered her head to hide it in his chest again. Blake could tell that Gwen was in pain just by the way she held his shirt with an agonizing grip, so he held her tight and whispered in her ear until she stopped crying.</p>
<p>Grief was not a simple process with preset steps, it was like waves in the ocean. They were tall and strong at first, then they decreased in size, but that didn't mean they would stop coming one day. They would continue to come and go forever, and in the darkest storms they were as tall and strong as they were at first, sometimes worse. But there was no manual or step-by-step to follow. </p>
<p>Grieving was like living, it was unpredictable, but they had to learn how to deal with the ups and downs anyway, because like all the other things in life, grief would be part of them forever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Christmas Eve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Blake was angry, worried, and stressed. His forehead seemed to have a permanent frown that night, and it didn’t even matter that it was Christmas Eve. He was furious at the storm outside, the thunder rumbling so loud that it was impossible for them to sleep, the loud rain falling on the roof, and the broken window that he had to struggle to repair in a hurry, and improvising, so that the rain wouldn’t destroy their house, or ruin the presents under the Christmas tree, which were already carefully arranged for the next morning.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But mostly, he was upset because he had to leave Gwen alone upstairs. It was a scary scenario and a rather disturbing night, and he wished he could be with her. Therefore, as soon as he climbed the stairs, crossed the upstairs hallway to Jack's room and opened the door, the vision of Gwen slowly rocking their baby in her arms, both warm and safe, ended any bad feelings inside him. Even the most worrisome ones.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake...” Jack was lying on her chest and Gwen rubbed his back slowly as she sang to him. She had her back to the door and was facing the big window in the boy's room, probably carefully watching the storm outside. “You better watch out, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake leaned against the trim of the door and just watched her. That was enough to fill his heart with love and even more appreciation for her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Christmas Eve is the day Santa Claus arrives. He will stop by and leave lots of colorful presents under the Christmas tree. It’s really beautiful.” She started to tell the baby, and Jack lifted his head to look at her with admiration, as if he was understanding everything she was telling him.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He wasn’t, though, he was too young. Their baby had just turned one in the beginning of the month, but he was already paying attention to everything Gwen said, and he was right to. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“When you're older, we're going to see the Christmas lights downtown, and we will have hot chocolate at the bakery. It’s the best you’ll ever have, baby.” Jack smiled at her, and that made Gwen chuckle in the end of her sentence. His big blue pacifier, which seemed a little too big for his size, almost fell out of his mouth, but he sucked it right back in. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She tilted her head down to kiss the tip of his nose and then his cheeks, and Jack closed his eyes. His small hand went up her neck and he tucked his little finger in her hair locks, behind her ear. That was something he only did to Gwen, it was his comfort move. “Daddy and I used to do this every year, it's our Christmas Eve tradition, but we haven't done it since you were born, because you're still a little too young to be out in this cold weather.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake couldn't help but smile. In that room, on that silent Christmas Eve, he found his whole world in the hearts of two people, and it was like his life’s wish was fulfilled. The stress of everyday life no longer mattered to him. Nothing mattered anymore if they were together.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>A loud and frightening thunder echoed outside and Gwen shivered, pressing Jack against her body. Perhaps the night was a little less quiet than they would have liked it to be. Outside, the thunder storm raged.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm right here, honey." He said quietly so as not to scare her even more. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen turned towards him and seemed to sigh with relief. “What happened down there? The noise was so loud.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"A tree branch fell and broke one of the windows in the living room." Blake explained as he entered the baby's room and approached her. "I had to improvise a little so the rain wouldn’t destroy the Christmas presents." He was distracted for a second when Jack turned towards him and greeted him with a huge smile when he saw him. This time the pacifier did fall out of his mouth, but Blake caught it in the air. "Hi, buddy." He leaned over to place a kiss on the boy's forehead and then he kissed Gwen's too.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Thanks, honey.” She smiled. “You take such good care of us." Blake was aware she knew he wasn’t looking for a recognition speech or a thank you note. Gwen knew him too much, but she was always sweet and appreciative of every little thing he did for them. He had never had anyone like her in his life, but she was such a big part of it that it just seemed like she had always been there. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake wrapped his arms around her and Gwen leaned against his body. Her arms straightened Jack and Blake pulled the blanket that was wrapped around the baby a little higher up his back. Jack laid his head back on Gwen's chest and now his big curious blue eyes were watching Blake.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jack was such a calm baby. He had always been like that, since he was a newborn. He only cried when he really needed something, usually when he was hungry, or when something really bothered him. Besides that, he was a playful, happy baby, and very affectionate. Sometimes they couldn’t believe they got so lucky with him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"He can't sleep because of the loud storm." Gwen told Blake. “Can you try?" She knew that the quickest way to get their baby to sleep was to lay him on Blake's chest. He was like Jack's human pillow.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen didn't need to ask twice, Blake put his hands under Jack's arms and took him, carefully placing the pacifier in his mouth again. She held the blanket and covered the baby as soon as his father pulled him into his arms and laid him against his chest. But when he thought she was going to walk away from them, she stayed, leaned her head against Jack's back and Blake kept her close to them, wrapping his free arm around her and hugging them both at the same time.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He just had to rock Jack for a few seconds and the baby's breathing got in a calm, steady rhythm. His eyes got heavy and he closed them. His heart was beating along with his father's, in the same calm rhythm. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake rocked Jack and stroked Gwen’s hair as she caressed his back slowly. That family moment, so peaceful and perfect, only added to the feeling of complete satisfaction he had been feeling. His heart was filled with happiness and such great feeling of affection that it was just too much for him to contain inside. He ended up letting it escape through his lips. "I can't thank you enough for being my family." Blake whispered softly to Gwen as he cradled Jack in his arms.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She looked at him with a sweetness in her eyes that only she had. Her lips curved up and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss his lips affectionately. “You are my family too. The two of you. It will be us three forever." She stroked their baby's back.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake felt his chest ache, but it was a good kind of pain. The pain caused by the love that overflows because it no longer fits in just one place. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>His hand on her back went up to her hair, on the back of her head, and Blake leaned forward a little to lightly brush his lips against hers. "You are the love of my life." He whispered.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I hope so." She whispered back to him, with her eyes closed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No, I mean that. I want nothing more than you, our life, our family. I will never want to be anywhere but by your side.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>At that point they had been married for 5 years, and Blake already knew that Gwen was the one for him, but that night, that silent Christmas Eve — but not so silent — he realized that his whole life made sense, everything that he had been through to get there had been worth it. He realized that love was much more than words and a mere feeling, and it was nothing like passion and desire. Love was that certainty that he saw so clearly that Christmas Eve, it was what made everything make sense for him, it was his life’s real meaning. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Love, for him, was those two people that were wrapped in his arms that night. Those two hearts, so similar to his and yet so particularly unique — his family. And that night Blake realized that no matter what the future held, love was forever.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Happy Christmas Eve, love of my life." Gwen's response was whispered into his lips before she shut them both up with a kiss. And it was telling him love was forever for her too. </em>
</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>Blake's index finger slid over the large crack on the wooden frame of the living room window. The deep mark had been there since that storm on Christmas Eve, six years ago. He had tried to cover it up in countless ways, but all he had managed to do was make it less visible. However, it was still possible to see it and with his fingertips he could really feel how deep it was, almost like a cut caused by a sharp blade.</p>
<p>The blizzard outside was still strong, but it wasn't so scary in the daylight and that was due to the fact that he could see better through the windows now. With snow falling nonstop all night, everything was covered with a thick white layer, the driveway, the roofs of the neighboring houses, the street, the trees and even his truck. The white path outside was beautiful and peaceful, almost poetic, even though the sky was still gray and the icy wind threatened to stay longer than expected and destroy more than necessary.</p>
<p>Suddenly Blake felt a sharp pain and pulled his hand away. A wood splinter was stuck in his fingertip. It was nothing to worry about, so he just grabbed the splinter and pulled it out. His move was followed by a little blood dripping from the open wound, so he brought his finger to his mouth. Right away, the pain stopped, so he pulled his finger out and looked at the injury. The place where the splinter entered was still red and must still be sore, but he wasn’t feeling anything because his entire finger had suddenly gone numb.</p>
<p>Blake couldn't help but think about the event that had changed his life forever. Jack's death was something unexpected like that splinter, which penetrated his life and hurt him, but he didn't feel the pain right when it all happened, he felt numb and overwhelmed, like his finger at that moment. But Blake knew that eventually the pain had caught up to him, and if he followed that line of thought, he could conclude that his finger would hurt like hell later on.</p>
<p>But who was he trying to fool? The pain of losing his son couldn’t be compared to a splinter. There was nothing that could ever compare to that pain.</p>
<p>Paying no more attention to what happened, Blake went on with his day, returning to the kitchen and preparing the hot chocolate they used to have on Christmas Eve, even if it wasn't the one from the bakery this time.</p>
<p>Instead of two hot chocolate mugs, he prepared three, because he was hoping to have a visitor before Gwen came downstairs, but that never happened. Jack didn’t come. The hours went by and she also didn’t join him. He thought maybe she had decided to sleep in on Christmas Eve, since they had had a restless night, or maybe she was completely exhausted after the deep conversation they had, which was definitely something that drained part of their energy, or perhaps she was avoiding him after all they had said and all the things they had both confessed. </p>
<p>That was the most they had shared, on a personal level, since Jack died, and all of those things they said in that conversation could never be unsaid. Their emotions were now on the table like a deck of cards, exposed and vulnerable, and Blake understood that it was scary, because it was also terrifying for him. </p>
<p>They were dealing with so much that asking more of either of them didn't even seem fair, so he sat alone at the kitchen table, just waiting. Blake decided that he was not going to push her, she would eventually look for him if she wanted to, or she would show signs of wanting his presence close to her. Gwen had always been like that, she wouldn’t isolate herself if she didn’t need time alone.</p>
<p>It wasn't until around 10 am that he heard footsteps upstairs, as if she was finally ready to go downstairs and join him, but the steps stopped in what seemed the middle of the hallway. Blake waited, but there was no further movement, either towards the stairs or back to the bedroom. </p>
<p>Intrigued, he took two hot chocolate mugs, warmed them up, waited a little more, but then decided to go upstairs to find her.</p>
<p>From the middle of the stairs he could already see Gwen standing in the middle of the hallway. She was staring at the common bathroom door again. Her hair was down and messy, as if she had just woken up, and she was wearing a long robe over her pajamas from the night before.</p>
<p>"Hey." Blake decided to announce his presence when he realized that she was frozen in place for too long. Gwen's entire body shook at the sound of his voice and it was clear that she was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't even realize he was walking up the stairs and approaching her. "I'm sorry." He regretted it the next second.</p>
<p>She turned to look at him. "It's ok." She said quietly and then turned to face forward again, pointing to the bathroom door. "The door is closed."</p>
<p>Blake looked at the wooden door and then looked at her again. He remembered Gwen closing that same door the night before, because she couldn’t stand looking at that bathroom. </p>
<p>Not knowing what to say, he just nodded.</p>
<p>"Maybe I should open it." She said, taking him by surprise.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" He asked. That idea made him very nervous.</p>
<p>"I think I have to, right?" Gwen looked at Blake again. "This is my last chance."</p>
<p>He didn't know what to think or how to feel about that. Blake couldn't imagine that she could be ready for a step like that when she was hysterical the night before just because she kept finding that door ajar.</p>
<p>"If you think you should, then do it." He told her. As much as he was tense and afraid of what might happen, it had to be her choice. "I will be right here, in case something happens."</p>
<p>"Will you come in with me?" Gwen asked in a low tone, as if she was embarrassed to be afraid.</p>
<p>Blake did not answer, instead, he went to the wooden table that was supported against the hallway wall and put the hot chocolate mugs there, then he approached Gwen and grabbed one of her hands, intertwining her fingers with his and holding tight. </p>
<p>That was the exact answer Gwen needed, and he saw the moment when her face relaxed and her lips curved up a little. He let her lead the way, and followed right behind her, still holding her hand. </p>
<p>Gwen took the round handle and turned it slowly. Blake noticed that her body shook slightly, and the binding of their hands became something more firm, for support. The door opened with a long creak, and she pushed it in.</p>
<p>Only the sight of the bathroom, even from outside, made her take a step back. Her body clashed slightly against Blake's, behind her, and his other hand grabbed her shoulder. </p>
<p>“I'm right here." He whispered to her the phrase they used to say to each other in difficult times. It meant that no matter how difficult the obstacles were, they would beat them all because they were together.</p>
<p>She took a deep breath and took the step forward again, gathering all the courage she still had.</p>
<p>Her hand suddenly let go of his as she entered the room, but he had promised that he would be there for her, so he followed her into the bathroom, even though he was at a certain distance, to give her some space. </p>
<p>Blake saw when Gwen looked both ways and her hand slid over the sink counter. She stared at a specific empty space on the floor for a few seconds, a corner of the bathroom that meant nothing to him, but that made him wonder if that wasn’t where she had fallen after pulling their son out of the bathtub. Where she had tried to save his life. But Gwen didn’t say anything, and soon looked away.</p>
<p>Blake was using that shower every day, as he had done that morning, but he regretted it as soon as he saw her facing the bathtub that still had a wet bottom. Gwen’s hands turned into tight fists, and he heard her breathing become ragged and loud.</p>
<p>“I can’t do this." She breathlessly said and quickly turned towards him. Blake had come so close to her from behind — afraid her reaction would be too bad and he would have to hold her — that they ended up colliding again, and Gwen was so agitated trying to dodge him that she didn't even seem to think straight, until he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back, bringing her with him out of the bathroom.</p>
<p>When they were outside, he let go of her and closed the door to prevent her from looking inside again.</p>
<p>Gwen was desperately panting, as if she couldn’t breathe. Her cheeks were flushed and her hands had deep red marks from when she clenched her fits and dug her nails into her own skin. </p>
<p>Blake was scared and worried, and he wanted to comfort her, but he knew she needed physical space at that moment, so he stayed a few steps away for as long as he could. But when he watched her lean against the wall behind her and slide down to sit on the floor. It became too much for him. He couldn’t just watch it anymore.</p>
<p>Blake immediately bent down next to her and placed his hands on her knees, for her to physically feel that he was there for her. “What can I do for you?"</p>
<p>"It's going to be ok." Gwen was still out of breath. "My chest hurts." </p>
<p>Blake sat next to her, also leaning against the wall in the hallway. He already knew what was going on since they had left the bathroom.</p>
<p>Panic attacks… He also had those. "Feels like a heart attack, right?" He asked. </p>
<p>Gwen lifted her head to look at him. After a second of shock, she nodded. "It sure hurts like I'm going to die." She had never felt so understood until she realized that he knew exactly what was happening to her. And with understanding came a strong feeling of being safe. </p>
<p>She laid her head on his shoulder and allowed herself to breathe deeply and calmly, as if she was teaching her lungs again.</p>
<p>“Here.” Blake reached over to grab the two mugs on the table and handed one to her.</p>
<p>"Christmas Eve hot chocolate?" Gwen weakly smiled. Just the feel of the warm mug between her two hands already made her feel better.</p>
<p>"It was our thing, remember?" He smiled too as he watched her take a sip. </p>
<p>"Of course." Gwen smiled even more, then she ran her tongue over her lips to enjoy every tiny drop of chocolate she could. </p>
<p>Blake was laughing at that. "It's nothing like the bakery’s, but I thought it was worth a try." He reached out with his free hand to wipe the corners of her mouth.</p>
<p>"It's even better." She said. "It’s made with love." And that it really was. </p>
<p>Gwen's hand reached for Blake's free hand and she intertwined their fingers. He felt so comfortable with that familiar gesture, that his chest was filled with love once again. Blake well remembered what it felt like to be overflowing with that feeling, but he hadn't felt anything like that in a long time. He ended up frozen in place, afraid to move and end up making her walk away. But still, he felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be: <em>Home</em>.</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>Blake was checking the boxes of things that were going to be donated, because Gwen had insisted that he inspect everything she had decided to give away, so that they wouldn’t end up donating something he wanted to keep. He wasn’t really looking to keep anything material, he might just want special pictures and memories, like the DVDs with home made footage they had of their family. Those things were in the attic and they hadn’t packed anything up there yet, they had agreed to do that the next day, since it would be Christmas and there was no better day to look through the family memories than Christmas.</p>
<p>However, inside one of Jack's toy boxes, he found his son's glasses, and by a momentary impulse, decided to keep them. He was wiping the foggy lens carefully with the end of his flannel shirt when he thought he heard a noise outside the room, something that seemed like glass being smashed. It was already dark, but the blizzard was still strong, and Blake hurried to make sure nothing happened to the big windows, like it did six years ago.</p>
<p>Nothing had really happened at all, actually. The second floor of the house was all silent and there was no indication of where the noise could had come from.</p>
<p>Blake had felt warm and comfortable all day next to Gwen, but in that moment, in the middle of the hallway, in the dark and alone, he felt really cold again.</p>
<p>"Ok mommy." Suddenly he heard that whisper that made the hair on his arm stand on end.</p>
<p>The voice seemed to come from across the hallway, and when Blake followed it, he found himself facing the closed door to the common bathroom.</p>
<p>"Ok mommy." He heard it again. His entire body shook when he remembered that those were the very last words Gwen had heard from Jack.</p>
<p><em>Ok, mommy...</em> He agreed to the fact that she was going to step out of the bathroom for a moment. And then he was gone.</p>
<p>"Blake?" Her voice came from the other floor of the house. </p>
<p>Blake was startled at first, but he didn't think her tone had any kind of despair or fear in it, so he relaxed a little.</p>
<p>"Yeah?" He replied.</p>
<p>"Come down here." She called him. </p>
<p>And he did as she asked. Blake went down the stairs and crossed the living room before finding Gwen in the kitchen. She had her back to him, leaning against the kitchen sink, her hands inside of it.</p>
<p>As soon as she noticed his presence, she turned her head and, even though Blake was tense at first, he ended up laughing when he realized that she had small chocolate stains on her face, and on her neck.</p>
<p>"What did you do?" In a few seconds he was laughing out loud.</p>
<p>"I was trying to bake a cake, but I went to check it out and everything splashed in my face." She tried to stay serious, but ended up laughing with him.</p>
<p>"You opened the mixer when it was on, didn't you?" He already knew what her mistake had been.</p>
<p>"Yes, I realize now that it was a mistake.” She confessed. “I tried to save myself, but..." She waved her head in the direction of the sink.</p>
<p>Blake took some steps towards her and saw that the bowl, the mixer, and the cake mixture she was making were laying inside. He laughed even louder and deeper. “Maybe you should stay away from the kitchen.” </p>
<p>"Help me." Gwen whined. </p>
<p>Still laughing, Blake walked closer and pulled the mixer and bowl out of the sink, then he turned on the faucet, since her hands were all covered in chocolate too. He positioned himself with his body behind hers and slowly washed her hands with warm water and liquid soap, then did the same to her arms, which had some splashes too. Blake handed her a dish towel to dry herself while he wiped her face with another towel.</p>
<p>"There, here you go." He softly chuckled.</p>
<p>"Thank you." Gwen laughed too, a little shy. "I was trying to bake that chocolate cake we used to love. My god, it’s been such a long time since I had that.”</p>
<p>“That very soft one that was pure chocolate greatness?” He asked, still finding it hilarious that he had found her covered in chocolate. “Oh I miss it too. We can make it together if you want.”</p>
<p>“Ok!” She got excited again. “But I will take care of this mess first, don't worry."</p>
<p>"I'm not worried." Absently, Blake stroked her hair and pulled it back slightly, tossing it to just one side of her neck, so she wouldn’t get it dirty. </p>
<p>Then he realized that he had missed a chocolate spot right on her neck. Not even thinking twice, Blake leaned forward and touched her neck with his lips, sucking on the chocolate and quickly wiping away any traces with his tongue. Only after he pulled his lips away did he realize that he shouldn't have done that, but when Blake looked at Gwen, he saw she had her eyes closed and was biting her bottom lip. That was when he couldn't contain the urge to touch her again.</p>
<p>His lips slowly slid from her shoulder to her neck. He planted slow and soft kisses, and sucked lightly on her skin. Then went up higher, until he was lightly biting her earlobe.</p>
<p>"I miss you so much." Blake whispered in her ear and Gwen’s body trembled under his touch.</p>
<p>He was completely intoxicated by her scent. His hands went down and grabbed her waist, squeezing it lightly.</p>
<p>Gwen turned to face him then, and her eyes pierced his with a look that he knew very well: pure desire. Her hands went down his chest and she tucked them under his shirt, immediately in contact with his skin. She touched him as if she was desperately searching for familiarity. And so was he, but he only really found it when his lips touched hers. </p>
<p>She welcomed him with the same desire he had for her, and they exchanged an intense kiss under the dim kitchen light. Blake's hand went up to the back of her neck and he pressed her body against the kitchen counter until there was no more space between them and it became too much for her. Gwen lifted one leg and wrapped it around Blake's waist. He grabbed her thighs and placed her sitting on the kitchen counter. It was Gwen who moved from the furniture to climb him until they were face to face again.</p>
<p>Their heads found the right position for that kiss very easily since they were so used to each other. Their tongues were exploring one another as they usually did before, and their hearts were beating fast and at almost the same pace. </p>
<p>Still kissing her, Blake pulled Gwen away from the sink and pressed her against the wall between the kitchen and the living room. </p>
<p>She moaned when his body crashed into hers. “I’ve missed you too.” She bit his bottom lip and pulled them while her hands skillfully opened the buttons on his flannel shirt.</p>
<p>His lips went down to her neck and he went right back to exploring it with kisses, sucking her skin every time he had the chance.</p>
<p>Gwen pulled her own shirt up and took it off, and Blake’s lips immediately went down to the top of her breasts, over the outline of her bra. He sucked on her skin there too, making Gwen moan a little louder and tug at his hair.</p>
<p>Blake was overwhelmed by the desire that he felt for her, and by the fact that he had her again in his arms and she was surrendering herself completely to him, and wanting him the same way he wanted her, but as soon as Gwen opened the button of his jeans, he remembered that it was wrong, or at least it was the wrong part of the house for that.</p>
<p>He lifted his face — that was buried between her breasts — to look at her. She had her eyes closed and her lips were slightly parted, which almost made him forget what he wanted to say. </p>
<p>Blake kissed her lips first. "I'm going to take you to our room, ok?" He said.</p>
<p>"What?" Gwen opened her eyes to look at him with confused expressions.</p>
<p>"We have a rule. No messing around in the living room, remember?" He tried to explain, but thought it sounded ridiculous when that phrase came out of his mouth.</p>
<p>The only reason that rule existed was because of Jack, and Jack was gone. Since he was no longer there, there was no reason for that rule to exist anymore, but Blake had seen the little boy the night before, right there in the middle of the kitchen, and he couldn't risk it. </p>
<p>He knew there was a very big chance that he had just ruined that night for both of them, or that he had at least completely ruined the mood for Gwen, but when she opened her mouth again, it wasn't exactly to speak, it was to kiss him. </p>
<p>“Ok, take me to our room." She agreed without further questions, and Blake would certainly not be the one to question anything. </p>
<p>He held her firm in his arms, holding under her legs, and carried her up the stairs to the master bedroom, so they could finish there what they started in the living room that Christmas Eve. Like old times.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Christmas Eve is their freaky night I don’t make the rules 😌 (yes I do)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Have yourself a merry little Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy 2021!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Honey, I can barely see the Christmas tree, can you step to the side, please?" Gwen asked, motioning for him to step out of the photo frame.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What? I thought you were taking a picture of me wearing Santa's hat, cause I look so sexy.” Blake pretended to be offended, but soon he was joking again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That made Gwen laugh. "No, sexy Santa, I'm trying to take pictures of Jack's gifts."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Are you?" He laughed too, finally getting out of her way and circling her to hug her from behind. "Get it right then, baby." He pressed his lips to her neck and started planting many kisses in a row.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Stop, honey." She laughed even harder, but it took a lot of will to concentrate on what she was doing. "You’re tickling me."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hey don’t shake the phone. You’re ruining it. The pictures will be all blurry.” Blake teased, drawing more laughter from her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen put the phone in the pocket of the Christmas pajamas she wore and turned to face him. "You are so stupid." She was still laughing, but Blake grabbed her with both arms and pulled her to him, distributing the same amount of kisses, but now on her lips and all over her face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was kissing him back as much as she could, still laughing out loud, but then, as Blake slowed down, Gwen grabbed the back of his neck and pressed her lips against his for a more intense kiss. His tongue invaded her mouth and his hands came down to hold her around the waist. The two of them ended up losing sense of time in that kiss, and only returned to reality when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs to the living room.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Oh my God, he's awake." Gwen pulled the phone out of her pocket again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"He’s coming." Blake was really excited, and it was the same way every Christmas. They prepared everything as if it was for Jack's entertainment, but they had a lot of fun too.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jack came down the stairs dragging his stuffed monkey with him. He was paying attention to his own steps, only when he reached the bottom step and jumped over it, to land in the living room, did he look up and searched for the Christmas tree.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Oh!" The boy exclaimed in surprise and put both hands in front of his mouth. "Santa came!"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Of course he came." Blake was smiling really big. "Look, buddy, he left a bunch of presents for you."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"This is way more than a lot of presents." Jack jumped up excitedly, catching Betty’s attention, who was lying in front of the fireplace.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He then ran towards his father and the dog followed him, wagging her tail in an agitated way, trying to understand what was happening. Blake lifted him up in his arms.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen finished the recording and put the phone away again to join them. “Are you excited, baby? I can't tell.” She laughed. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jack leaned over to throw his arms around her neck and planted a brief peck on her lips. "Thank you mommy." He squeezed her in a hug. "Santa must love the cookies you made, he left me a lot of presents."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It made Gwen laugh again, and Blake chuckled too, even louder. "Come on, buddy, you have a lot of presents to open, it will take all day." He leaned over to put the boy down on his feet again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jack ran around the Christmas tree, checking all the gift wrappers under it, until he found the biggest one and pulled it forward. He sat on the rug and Betty curled up next to him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake and Gwen took a step back to make room for Jack, and she picked up the phone to film it all again. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Santa Claus must really love your cookies, honey. They don't even look like they were bought at the grocery store.” He whispered to her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Shut up." She hit him lightly in the stomach with the back of  her hand.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake flinched, but laughed.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The nostalgic feeling of that vivid dream ended up waking Blake. He could even feel the weight of Gwen's hand against his stomach, and that alone made him curse that day before he even opened his eyes. Blake took a deep breath and slowly started to open his eyelids, already feeling irritated by the dim light of the cloudy morning. That confused feeling of when someone just woke up completely overwhelmed him, and he didn't even know where he was and what day it was, he was just suffocated again by that feeling of having another day starting. Another day he didn't want to live.</p>
<p>But then Blake tried to turn on his side on the bed and noticed that his right side was trapped under something heavy. He quickly opened his eyes, only to find himself curled up beside Gwen's body, with his own face buried in the back of her neck and she practically laying on top of his right arm, while his left wrapped her in a tight embrace. And she was right there, right next to him, sharing the bed they had slept in since they got married. It even looked like a mirage.</p>
<p>Gradually, the senses returned to him, and Blake remembered the night before, the accident with the cake mix and the mixer, how he had helped Gwen and the two of them had ended up in that bed, reliving pleasant nights and enjoying each other in a way that seemed crazy to think at that moment, when he was awake in the morning after and sunlight came in through the crack in the curtain. Or maybe it was just a dream. </p>
<p>But Blake could feel the bare skin on Gwen's waist with his fingertips, and he had noticed that he wasn’t wearing any clothes either. It wasn't a dream, the night before had really happened.</p>
<p>He couldn't tell if his body had gone too rigid or if it was the way his heart was beating fast, but Gwen seemed to slowly wake up in his arms, as if she knew he had just realized what they did. She stretched out her arms and slowly turned towards him. Blake was frozen, but he saw the moment when her eyes searched for his, and Gwen smiled shyly. That made him relax a bit, and his arms went back to embrace her. She snuggled up to him and rested her chin on his chest, watching him as if she was studying his movements.</p>
<p>Blake couldn't say what that meant, but he tilted his head down and kissed her lips anyway. Whatever that meant, it just felt good waking up next to her after the night they had. She didn’t even try to run from him this time. </p>
<p>"Good Morning." He said. His voice sounding more hoarse than he'd anticipated.</p>
<p>"Merry Christmas." Gwen softly replied.</p>
<p>"Oh crap." Blake laughed. "It’s Christmas already?" That made her laugh too, but she was soon back to staring at him as if she was studying him.</p>
<p>He was about to ask what was wrong when she put an arm around him and hugged him, laying her head on his shoulder.</p>
<p>Blake pressed her closer to his body.</p>
<p>“Is this real? I mean, this morning? Last night?” Gwen asked, in a very low and shaky tone. "Sometimes I don't know anymore." </p>
<p>He couldn't even say how much he related to that. "It's real." He told her, mimicking her low tone.</p>
<p>"Ok." Gwen took a deep breath and tried to distract herself from the lump that had tightened in her throat.</p>
<p>They stayed in bed for another hour, just holding on to each other, as if that way they could make up for all the wasted time that they didn't spend together, or for when they didn't hold each other, but they should have and needed to. Maybe it was too late, but at least they had that brief last chance. </p>
<p>Blake felt really good, as if he finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. He had been as silent as Gwen but his heart was beating peacefully and comfortable again, however, he could feel how hers was restless, loud and painful. He understood her insecurities even if she didn’t talk about them, he just didn't know what to do, so he just held her until he couldn't anymore. </p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>The snowstorm had given way to white, fluffy snow that slowly fell from the sky, giving a white Christmas look to the outside. The landscape was still covered by the thick, white layer of snow and the storm had lasted enough and was so scary that people were not risking leaving their houses, which kept the path clear even of footprints.</p>
<p>With the weather looking better, there was just one more task on their to-do list: the attic. That was the part of the house that was mostly just filled with memories, since they kept everything they didn't touch that much up there. That’s why the two of them had decided they would pack that room together.</p>
<p>Some boxes were easy, the ones that contained season decorations, for example, but other boxes were very difficult, like the one that contained a pile of DVDs with their home movies, and the dozens of photo albums with memories of special occasions. There were also folders and folders with Jack's schoolwork and cards he had made for them over the years. Those were more painful memories and they took a little longer to assimilate and divide between them.</p>
<p>In the middle of the process Blake had to go down to get more cardboard boxes. The floor below was completely silent when he came down the stairs, as it should be. He picked up some disassembled boxes behind the couch, but placed them back when he decided to stop by the kitchen to get two bottles of water and take them with him. He would get the boxes once he had the bottles figured out. </p>
<p>As soon as he opened the fridge, he heard that low cry coming from the living room. That put Blake on full alert, because he knew that little cry very well. He closed the refrigerator door and from there he could already see Jack sitting on the living room floor, by the Christmas tree, hugging his knees, with his face hidden between them.</p>
<p>Blake placed the water bottles on the kitchen table and approached him slowly, walking around the couch to stand in front of the boy, but Jack didn't seem to notice him.</p>
<p>Blake's eyes were focused on his son and all he could think about was how unbelievable that vision was in the daylight. He was looking for a single piece of evidence that this was not real, but there was absolutely nothing that could convince him that Jack wasn’t there, in front of him. However, this time the little boy was crying, and Blake felt an agonizing urge to hug him, and make him stop crying. Jack was not a crybaby at all, and something had to have happened to him, to cause that kind of reaction to his son.</p>
<p>This time, the little boy was dressed in Christmas pajamas and his golden curls were neatly combed. He had his little feet wearing white socks and his little hands were holding on to his own legs, as if he was in desperate need for comfort.</p>
<p>Blake ducked down beside him in an almost desperate way when he realized that. "Buddy, what happened?" He touched his son's shoulder and Jack raised his head to look at him.</p>
<p>"Daddy!" The boy pushed his little body forward and hugged Blake, seeking comfort from him instead of being alone in the corner.</p>
<p>"I'm here, little man, why are you crying like that?" His father hugged him very tightly, feeling a tightness in his chest even before he knew why he was sad like that.</p>
<p>"Santa didn't come." Jack let go of the hug and looked away from Blake, facing the empty Christmas tree. "Was I a bad boy?"</p>
<p>“Oh God, no Jack.” He sat on the living room rug and pulled his son to his lap so he could go back to hugging him tight against his body. “No, buddy. You are the best little boy I know.” </p>
<p>"No daddy, I was a bad boy.” Jack said, looking up to face him. "I fell asleep in the bathtub and made you and mommy very sad."</p>
<p>"No, buddy, it wasn't your fault either." Blake felt the tears streaming down his face.</p>
<p>"I broke mommy and I broke you too. You are broken." The little boy sobbed. "I'm sorry." Jack raised his hand to wipe Blake's tears.</p>
<p>“We love you, Jack. She misses you.” He told his son, looking up at the ceiling and indicating Gwen, who was upstairs. </p>
<p>"I was a bad boy and now I can't hug her anymore."  </p>
<p>Blake squeezed him in his arms again. He pressed his lips against his son's forehead, feeling a strong urge to cry again. "You were always the most incredible little boy to us."</p>
<p>"So don't leave me, daddy." Jack whispered to him, hiding his face in his chest. "If you and mommy leave, everything will be dark again." He cried. "I don't like being in the dark."</p>
<p>Blake's heart broke when he heard that. He didn't expect Jack to say something like that, but it made perfect sense in his head. If the house was empty, Jack would be alone and in the dark, and if they sold it, it would be even worse, he would probably be in the company of strangers and would certainly be scared and sad.</p>
<p>"I'm not going anywhere, buddy." Blake decided it right there, while comforting Jack in his arms. "I will stay with you. Hopefully Mommy will stay too, ok? Don’t cry."</p>
<p>"Okay, daddy." Jack sniffed and nodded, pulling his face away to look at his father while rubbing his eyes and wiping his tears.</p>
<p>"I'm here with you, buddy." Blake rocked him slowly as he rubbed the boy's back. "I love you."</p>
<p>"I want to show you something." Jack got off Blake's lap with a big smile, exposing his dimples, even though his face was still wet with tears. "Wait here."</p>
<p>"Ok, I’m right here." Blake couldn't help but smile too. "Don't run on the stairs." He managed to say before the boy disappeared around the curve up the stairs.</p>
<p>Blake got up and sat on the couch to wait for him. And he waited for long minutes until he finally heard the footsteps coming down the stairs. Still sitting, Blake turned his neck to watch what he thought was Jack returning to the living room, but when he finally could see the person who was coming downstairs, he noticed that it wasn't Jack, it was Gwen.</p>
<p>"What are you doing there?" She stopped as soon as she saw him too. "I was waiting for the boxes"</p>
<p>He knew there was no good excuse for that, nor one that was really acceptable, so he decided to tell the truth, in a way. "I got distracted, I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Gwen seemed to be watching him closely again, perhaps trying to read past his vague answer, but she didn’t seem to want to give his distraction too much of a thought. “Ok.” She came over and joined him in the living room. "Look what I found." She handed him a large photo album that had an old look and a hard cover.</p>
<p>Blake rested the album on his lap and used both hands to rub his face so that it would help him focus, because his vision had suddenly become blurred.</p>
<p>"Are you ok?" Gwen asked, with a worried tone. She even came forward to sit next to him on the couch.</p>
<p>"Hm yeah, sorry." He nodded in agreement. “I’m just tired." He looked at the hardcover album and immediately recognized it. "Oh, I haven't seen this one in a while."</p>
<p>"I know, since Jack was born it is all about him." She laughed, but her eyes widened when she realized that she had spoken about their son in the present.</p>
<p>Blake didn't even seem to notice though, he had a smile on his lips and was staring at a picture of Gwen wearing her wedding dress. </p>
<p>He wasn't just mesmerized by the photo, he felt like he had been transported back to that day, to the past. He still remembered how happy they were, how incredibly stunning she was, and how her smile had become his biggest goal in life that afternoon. She was his whole world, and the sparkle in her eyes was the greatest achievement of his life. He was very proud to make her happy. </p>
<p>Blake lifted his head and turned his attention away from the photo album to look at Gwen. She was also looking at him. Her face was exactly the same, even though there was a 10 year difference between that picture and the moment they lived at that time. It was just her eyes that were different, deeper, even darker, full of sadness and heaviness. There was no more sparkle in her eyes.</p>
<p>Blake approached her and his hand went up to touch her. He positioned his open palm against the side of her face, his fingers behind her ear, except for his thumb, which lightly caressed her cheek. There, Blake was amazed by her features, and Gwen returned his stare calmly, as if that was a customary and comfortable gesture for her. He brought his face close to hers and they ended up closing their eyes at the same time. Blake felt Gwen's breath lightly touch his cheek, but he moved even closer, until his lips touched her face and he brushed them slowly against her soft skin, with appreciative care. He planted a long kiss on the side of her nose and then slid his lips to hers. She welcomed him again, and he kissed her lightly before seeking something more intense. His tongue entered her mouth, but it was not urgent and invasive this time, it was affectionate, as if his intention was only to caress her.</p>
<p>He also broke the kiss himself, but just enough to rest his forehead against hers. Gwen sighed softly and that made Blake smile. He pulled his face away a little so he could look at her again. She laid her head on his hand, which was still lightly stroking her face, and he used his other hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.</p>
<p>After a few seconds of complete silence, in which the two of them just stared at each other. Gwen finally said something. "Can I keep our wedding photos?" She asked.</p>
<p>It didn't seem like that was really what was going through her mind, it seemed like it was the first thing she could think of to stop herself from saying what she really wanted to say. Or at least that was what Blake prefer to believe. Still, that attachment to their wedding photos made Blake a little braver. He was also attached to many things they had.</p>
<p>“Can we keep our forever home?" Instead of answering her question, he asked another question, and she was welcome to understand it any way she wanted.</p>
<p>"What? Do you want to keep the house now?” Gwen looked at him with confused expressions. “Blake, I know that we are getting along, but that doesn't mean we should keep this house." He realized, from the calm and gentle way she spoke to him, that she didn't want to hurt him, but she had an opinion completely contrary to his. “This house was where it all happened. Our trauma is here, our grief, the worst days of our lives… it’s too heavy. We should sell it and move on.”</p>
<p>"But, listen to me..." He also started in a very calm and explanatory way. "This house has had good and bad times, we need it so we can keep the good things close to us."</p>
<p>Gwen lifted her head and frowned. "So now you need material things to remember the good times?"</p>
<p>"It's not like that." Blake shook his head. "But think about it, if Jack is ever somewhere, this is where he will be, because he lived his whole life here."</p>
<p>"What are you talking about, Blake?" Gwen was even more confused.</p>
<p>"Gwen..." Blake reached out to hold her hand. “I need to tell you something.” He prepared her, but not nearly enough. “Since we got here, strange things have been happening and I... I have been seeing Jack.”</p>
<p>"You have been… what?" She was still frowning when she looked up at him. "What do you mean, Blake?"</p>
<p>Blake knew he would have a lot of explanation to do, so he took a deep breath. “I saw Jack. Not only did I see him, I touched him, I hugged him.” Even though he had a lot to tell her, it was not easy to know exactly how to explain it or even where to start. “I can't explain it, but he's here. He's here and we can't leave him alone.”</p>
<p>"You..." Gwen seemed to struggle a lot to know exactly what to say, and her voice was shaky, as if she was the one who had seen a ghost. "You can't possibly believe what you're telling me." She pulled her hand that he was still holding. "Is this a joke?"</p>
<p>"What?" Blake shook his head. "No, I'm not joking, since we got here I can feel Jack's presence and now I've seen him a few times." He was getting a little nervous because she was starting to show signs that she wouldn't react to it in a good way, and he was getting frustrated with himself because of it, especially for not being able to explain and make her believe him.</p>
<p>“It's your mind, Blake. It has to be your mind. You are mourning and your mind is trying to protect you from reality.” Gwen quickly diagnosed him. She knew there was no way that could be the truth, it had to be a delusion, and honestly, that made her very worried about him.</p>
<p>“It's not my mind, it's not grief, damn it!" Blake let his frustration show for a second, but that alone was enough to make him feel bad, so he took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “You’re not listening to me, honey, he was here, I touched him, I hugged him. His skin is warm like he’s alive. I smelled him, I saw his smile, I touched his soft hair, I-"</p>
<p>"Stop it!” Gwen’s hands went up to cover her ears when it got too painful for her. “Please!” Immediately he saw the tears start to flow down her face.</p>
<p>“No honey, I didn’t mean to upset you." Blake raised his hands to touch her face again and wipe her tears. "I know this is too much to absorb right now, you need time to-"</p>
<p>"Don't touch me!" She pushed his hands away from her. "You can't touch Jack, Blake, he's dead!" Gwen screamed at him this time, unable to contain that tightening in her chest. "He is dead! He died in my arms. You can't hug him, he's not here. We buried him, remember? We buried our son.” She got up from the couch to move away from him. “So wake up! What you are seeing is not real. You have a problem.”</p>
<p>Blake felt a little shocked by the truth that was thrown in his face like that. He knew that what was happening to him had no explanation, and when Gwen said those things like that, it seemed crazy that he was believing what he was seeing, because he knew very well that Jack was dead, he knew they had buried him and there was no way he could be there, but none of that changed the fact that he had been with him, that Blake could feel him, touch him, hug his son, and talk to him. There was no denying that it was strange, but that little boy felt like Jack, smelled like Jack, and talked like Jack. Jack was there, and maybe he was a ghost or something like that, but what mattered was that Blake preferred to have him that way than to never have his son in his arms again. Maybe it was a miracle. A miracle he didn’t deserve, but that he would accept without questioning.</p>
<p>"Well, I'm not going to sell the house." Blake gave his final say. “Tell me how much you want for your part. I will buy it from you.”</p>
<p>Gwen looked at him, a little shocked too. “It is not fair, the house is mine too. We had decided together that we were going to sell it.”</p>
<p>“I changed my mind." He shrugged, without even looking at her.</p>
<p>“Well, you can't. It's not just about you.” She was looking at him with a frown.</p>
<p>“I'm not holding you hostage, Gwen." Blake rolled his eyes. “If you want to leave, feel free to do so. You are very good at it, aren’t you?” He looked up to face her, even though he didn’t want to do that, and ended up watching her reaction, from the moment Gwen's eyes widened when she heard his sentence until the second when she seemed to assimilate what he meant by that, and then closed her eyes, as if to ease the pain of the dagger he had just figuratively stuck in her chest.</p>
<p>Even though Blake thought he was right in that discussion, the vision of Gwen retracted in the corner of the living room, her face wet with tears, and the scared look in her eyes broke his heart all over again, if there was still a piece intact enough to break there.</p>
<p>"I’m sorry, honey, I wasn’t trying to hurt you." He said. </p>
<p>She sobbed and looked away to face the living room wall. "We will always hurt each other." It was so hard for her to say that, that she even moaned in pain at the end of the sentence. “We can’t move on together. It's impossible."</p>
<p>Blake felt his eyes sting as the lump in his throat tightened more and more. "I thought we were doing better." His voice broke at the end of the sentence and he had to wipe the corner of his eyes.</p>
<p>"Do you think this is better?" Gwen was still crying, a few steps away from him, but close enough to know that he, too, was crying. "All we do is hurt each other, Blake, even when we don’t want to. We are not ready to be together.”</p>
<p>"Gwen." Blake cried.  </p>
<p>"I can't stay here anymore." She lowered her head to avoid looking at him when she headed for the stairs to go up to the second floor.</p>
<p>He felt that he had to run after her, felt that he should yell for her to stay, fight with her if necessary, so that she knew he cared and so that she could hear what he wanted to say too. But Blake didn't even know what he wanted to say to her anymore. Gwen was right, they hadn't figured out a way to not hurt each other yet, and it could still take a long time. At the moment they were walking a very thin line between loving each other and being each other’s worst nightmare, and maybe there wasn’t even a way out of that.</p>
<p>All he knew was that he was exhausted. He felt like he was hurting all over again and that those last days they were spending together seemed to be constantly changing between hopeful and cruel all the time. Blake no longer had the strength to fight the obvious fact that they would be splitting up again very soon, and this time it would be forever.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Blue Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blake was lying on the floor in the attic, looking at the ceiling for hours, even though in his conception it seemed like just a few minutes. He didn't even see the time go by, and he only realized what hours had passed because the light that came in through the one small window up there had extinguished and now everything was dark. Not everything, the little old television they had put away there was on, and it was playing some home footage they had on DVD. </p><p>Blake was not looking at the images, but even though he was staring at the dark ceiling, he could still see his family in his mind while the voices of Gwen and Jack played on the TV.</p><p>He had already cried enough that his eyes were swollen, and the headache that troubled him seemed to have suddenly returned with full force. But Blake was not crying anymore, he was slowly feeling his mind go into a numb state again, and emotionally speaking, he wasn’t feeling anything anymore. Not even the sound of Gwen cheering on TV when Jack finally managed to stay on the bike for more than 10 seconds without falling off of it did anything to him.</p><p>Blake knew himself very well, he knew that once he fell into that numbness, it would take a long time to get out of that state, and in it he felt apathetic to everything and everyone, even the things and people he loved. That's how he had lost Gwen the first time, so he already knew that if he hadn't already lost her again, he would soon ruin everything even more. There was no other way out.</p><p>Sometimes he could swear that even parts of his body were numb too, but he wasn't paying attention to any of that. Blake closed his eyes and honestly wished he didn't need to open them again. </p><p>When Jack died and Gwen left him, he used to think that he had already lived the peak of his life and that he would have to get used to never being that happy again, as when he had his family. But at that moment, all he could think about was that he had been too happy and had spent all the happiness of a whole lifetime in what had been the short period of time when he had Gwen and Jack, so he would never be happy again, not even a little, not even somewhat comfortable. </p><p>He didn't want to experience that trauma of losing his family again and again as it seemed to be happening, so if he had a choice, he would rather end it all right there. That was his only wish.</p><p>When he was almost succumbing to the darkness inside of him and the worst thoughts he had ever had in his life, Blake felt hands touch him, slowly caressing the sides of his face.</p><p>"I'm sorry that you're so sad, daddy." Jack whispered in the darkness, and Blake felt all the emotions and feelings come back to him at once, just by feeling that touch and hearing that sweet voice. </p><p>He sobbed loudly and felt tears stream down his face freely, as if Jack had magically turned something on inside him, something that immediately pulled him out of that numb state.</p><p>"It's ok, buddy." He tried to say, but his voice came out as a breathy whisper, and he couldn't even open his eyes anymore because of his headache. </p><p>Jack seemed to understand his struggle, and Blake felt the weight of the boy's cheek touching his forehead.</p><p>"Mommy loves you." The little boy said, as if he was much older and way wiser than anyone else. “Tell her to stay. Tell her you want to be with her.”</p><p>Just that brief mention of Gwen and what happened between them made Blake feel the darkness inside him manifest again. "I know you're sad because she won't stay here, buddy, but things don't work that way, ok?" He told his son, raising his hand to stroke the boy's hair. “It’s not that simple. She doesn't believe you can be here.”</p><p>Jack was silent for a few seconds, his cheek still pressed to his father's forehead, and the boy's little fingers caressing Blake's face. "But I'm right here."</p><p>That phrase did something to his heart. "I know, buddy, but she hasn't seen you yet." He said, finally feeling more relaxed for the first time since the argument with Gwen. "Oh unless..." His head finally seemed to connect two things that were simple, but that Blake was having a hard time putting together, for some reason. “You could talk to her, Jack. If she sees you, she'll believe me and stay with us.” </p><p>He felt it when the little boy raised his head and took his hands off his face. Blake had to open his eyes, forcing his vision and causing even more headaches, because he needed to make sure that Jack was still there. And he was, sitting just inches away from his father, who was still laying on the floor.</p><p>"I don't know if I can, daddy." He said. Blake could see that he seemed a little scared, even in the attic darkness.</p><p>“But you can try, right? I will be there too, you don't have to worry.” He tried to assure his son, even though he was being too persistent and knew that.</p><p>"Maybe I can try, I guess." Jack still didn't seem quite sure.</p><p>"Look, I have a plan." Blake said, trying to distract him, and it worked, the little boy smiled and was interested. "I'm going to talk to her and convince her to wait for you tonight. Then you show up, ok? I don’t want us to scare her.”</p><p>"Okay, good idea.” Jack agreed. "I think it's better this way."</p><p>"Ok." Blake automatically started to think about what he would say and how he would do that after the ugly argument they had, until he remembered something else. "Oh, hey buddy, I have something for you." Blake reached into his coat pocket and took out the boy's glasses he had found the night before. "Look what I found."</p><p>"My glasses!" Jack quickly took the object from his father's hands and put it on his face. Blake smoothed the boy's hair to get his curls out of his eyes. "I can see better now, thanks, daddy." He leaned over to hug Blake, but it was a quick hug and soon Jack was getting up.</p><p>"Hey, where are you going?” Blake asked him.</p><p>"Oh, I’m just going downstairs, it’s too dark here." Jack said, as if it was an ordinary day and he was interested in exploring many other things inside the house, as he used to do before.</p><p>"It's still Christmas." Blake told him. "Can you lay here with me a little longer?"</p><p>"But on the floor?" Jack seemed confused. "The floor is not comfortable, daddy, you should go to bed." But he complied with his father's request, and laid down beside him, letting him wrap him in another tight hug. </p><p>"I'm going to bed in a little while, I just want to stay a little longer." Blake yawned and closed his eyes again, feeling relaxed and sleepy again.</p><p>It didn't take long for him to fall asleep…</p><p>And when he opened his eyes again, he was no longer on the hard attic floor, he was laying on the comfortable bed in the guest room, but he had no idea how he got there.</p><p>He was confused and his head throbbed in pain, but he still struggled to sit up in bed. The room was completely dark and it seemed like it could be very late at night, but the clock on the nightstand read 11pm.</p><p>As he slowly massaged his forehead, he heard the sound of an opening door outside the room, then footsteps down the hall, and then the doorknob turned slowly until the door was pushed open with a creak that made his head almost explode.</p><p>"Are you ok?" It took a few seconds, but her voice asked, in a low and very concerned tone. </p><p>Blake opened his eyes again, but all he could see was Gwen's silhouette in the dark.</p><p>"I will be fine." Was all he said. "It's just a headache."</p><p>"Ok, I was just checking on you before going to bed." Her voice tone sounded really sad and it disturbed him.</p><p>"Wait, Gwen." Blake called out for her when she was leaving, and she quickly opened the door again. </p><p>"Yes?" The intonation delivered her interest, the desire to hear what he had to say, as if she was already hoping that he wouldn't let her go.</p><p>"What do you want to know?" He asked, already knowing what her behavior meant. He knew her very well. </p><p>And she knew that. Gwen took a deep breath and entered the room, approaching the bed where he was sitting. She sat down next to him and adjusted herself over the soft mattress before she actually said anything. Just based on her behavior Blake already knew that whatever she had to say was difficult for her. </p><p>"When you have these... visions and you think you're seeing Jack, what is it like?" Gwen asked, staring at her own hands over her lap. “I mean, do you call him? Or is he just there out of nowhere?”</p><p>Blake finally understood why that conversation had seemed like such a big deal from the beginning, according to her body language. He immediately thought of the plan he had and how her sudden appearance in the room where he was, in the middle of the night, would make things much easier. He didn't have to convince her anymore, she was there willingly.</p><p>"I don't call him, he shows up when he wants to." Blake told her, being careful with his words, so as not to cause the same reaction from earlier. “But he agreed to see you. Do you want to see him?"</p><p>Gwen was staring at the floor, but she raised her head to look at him. It took a few seconds, but she nodded. “Seeing him again is everything I wanted in life. I would give anything.” She told him. “I would give my own life for him, so keeping my sanity now does not seem worthwhile. I would rather go crazy.”</p><p>Blake understood that she still didn't really believe his story, or in Jack's presence, but she obviously really wanted to believe and be a part of it. It was enough for him.</p><p>"Come here." He took her hand and pulled her with him to lay on the bed.</p><p>Gwen laid her head on Blake's chest and he wrapped both arms around her body. </p><p>"I told him that we love him, and that we miss him." He started to tell her. "He said he was in the dark before we got here, and now he's not here anymore, which is why we can't leave." </p><p>She sniffed. "He never liked the dark."</p><p>"That's what he said!" Blake exclaimed as if it was proof of everything he had been saying until then. “Jack is still the same happy and curious little boy, you will see. The only thing that makes him sad is that we are sad.”</p><p>Gwen lifted her head and rested her chin on his chest to look at him. "Maybe we should try to be stronger and push this sadness away for a bit." She said.</p><p>Blake stared at her, trying to understand what that sentence really meant. "I would like that very much." He said, still not sure of anything.</p><p>She nodded, as if that response from him was what she needed to keep saying what she wanted to tell him. "I could have left before the blizzard." She confessed. "I didn't leave because I didn't want to. I knew you needed me and... and I love you."</p><p>Blake felt a sharp pain in his chest and the urge to cry invaded him again. This time he didn't contain it, he couldn't. He wasn’t expecting her to say any of that.</p><p>"No, don't cry, please." Gwen slid up a little to kiss his face while his tears flowed. </p><p>Blake squeezed her into the embrace. "I love you so much." He sniffed as she wiped away his tears. “Please, don't leave me. Stay. I want you to stay with me." He wasn't very good at that, but he followed the advice that Jack had given him and opened his heart as much as he could to her. That was how much he was willing to fight for her, although he already felt defeated, and even though it hurt like he was going to die. "It won't be easy, I know it won't be, but I promise that one day I will be able to make you happy again, I will live for that." </p><p>Gwen said nothing initially, she just touched his lips with hers and kissed him as if she was agreeing to everything he had said and asked for. Then she looked at him again. “I'm sorry for leaving you when you needed me. I will not do that again. I am right here.” </p><p>The sentence hit him like a runaway truck, and Blake sobbed again, unable to contain his emotions. As much as that was way better than he imagined it could be, he wondered if he was worthy of that and of her. </p><p>He pulled her further up his body, tightening his arms around her. “I'm sorry for being negligent towards you in the beginning of your pain. I didn't know how to comfort you and I ended up hurting you.” He also apologized for what he thought he should. He knew they were starting to leave it all behind, and it was a great way to start over. “I wasn't by your side when I should’ve been. That will never happen again.”</p><p>"I know." Gwen nodded. "We will face everything together now, ok?"</p><p>Blake sniffed, but he was still softly crying. "Thanks for giving me another chance.”</p><p>"You don't have to thank me." She stroked his face and then adjusted herself on top of him, laying her head on his chest. "We are giving each other a chance." </p><p>He nodded and kissed the top of her forehead.</p><p>And they stayed that way, hugging each other, letting the emotions finally flow without the heavy weight of their grief taking the wheel that time. </p><p>Blake didn't know where that turn of events had come from, but he was very grateful for it. At that moment, in the silence of that dark room, with Gwen in his arms, feeling her heart beat in a calm and peaceful pace, for the first time since Jack was gone, he realized that he wasn’t wishing his life to end, and the idea of waking up to another new day was not so disturbing anymore, as much as he didn’t know what those new days could bring. He wasn’t afraid. </p><p>They ended Christmas like that, together and hopeful, but the hours passed and the lull in the guest room gradually became hopeless.</p><p>Midnight struck and they felt more alone than ever.</p><p>Somewhere in the early hours of that morning, Blake heard Gwen sob and felt her body shake over his. He stroked her back lightly.</p><p>"It's ok. I’m ok." Only then she seemed to realize that he was still awake, so she took a deep breath and tried to hide her frustration. “It was my fault. I knew I shouldn't have let myself go with all this. Of course, he wouldn't come, I already knew that.”</p><p>"Honey, it doesn't work that way." He said calmly, his lips still brushing her forehead. "He doesn't come when we want him to come."</p><p>Gwen raised her head to look at him and sighed. "He doesn't come because he isn't here." Still, she was peaceful and careful with him. "I wanted to be able to see him, maybe hug him, so much that I ended up making a fool of myself."</p><p>Blake wanted to correct her and explain to her that she was being flustered when she needed to be patient, but thought it might not be the right moment for that. He had to learn that the timing was important.</p><p>“I'm sorry if I hurt you again." Instead of fighting her, he thought he should apologize for the way she was feeling.</p><p>“No, you didn't hurt me. It’s ok." Gwen stroked his face. “I shouldn't have let this go this far, but everything is going to be fine. Can you promise me something?”</p><p>“Yes." Blake replied, even though he didn't know what it was. He would promise her anything.</p><p>"Promise me that you will seek help as soon as we leave here?" </p><p>Blake hesitated for a second, but then nodded. "Ok. I promise." He didn't know what that promise meant, but as he had already known before, he would promise anything she wanted.</p><p>"I'm going to take care of you, ok?" Gwen said quietly as she hugged him as if she was afraid to let go. </p><p>"I will take care of you too." Blake made one more promise. "We will stay together, right?"</p><p>"Right. If we stay together everything will be fine." She agreed.</p><p>"But what about our forever home?" He asked, still very anxious.</p><p>“We don't need this house. Home is when we are together.” Gwen said to him. “We can start over without the painful memories, somewhere else. It could be anywhere.” She seemed to want to distract him from the fact that she still wanted to get rid of the house, but the way Blake's face contorted made it clear that he wasn't going to give in so easily. "Please?" Gwen insisted.</p><p>"But what about Jack?" The pain he felt in his chest was the pain of feeling his son slip through his fingers and not knowing how to hold him.</p><p>"Jack will always be alive in our hearts." Her hand went down until it was over his chest, where she was still laying too. “And he will also always be alive in you. He looked so much like you that sometimes when I look at you, all I see is him.” Gwen lightly chuckled, even though it was a rather sad laugh.</p><p>Blake accompanied her, rubbing her arm lightly. "It happens to me too. I see him in you all the time.”</p><p>She stroked his chest. “My heart is a little bit like your heart.” She started to sing and they both smiled at each other.</p><p>He placed his hand on her back too, in the direction of her heart, since she was laying on top of him, on her stomach. “Beautiful, sweet and so kind heart. They sound pretty much the same, beating hard, healthy, and happy, because I'm a little bit of you." His index finger touched Gwen’s nose.</p><p>"And I'm a little bit of you too." She finished for him, touching his nose too. </p><p>Blake still vividly remembered the last time he had sung that made up lullaby. He could still feel how painful it was, because he still felt the same pain. The difference was that he had Gwen beside him in a much less mournful way and that brought hope for better days. Those better days might never come, but with and for her, he could wait forever.</p><p><br/>
</p><p>***</p><p><br/>
</p><p>Blake didn't even realize he had fallen asleep again, but when he opened his eyes, a very dim morning light came in through the bedroom curtains. It was still very dark and it seemed like December 26th would be gray, but he didn't care much about it, as he had Gwen laying next to him on the bed, the way they used to sleep together.</p><p>Blake lifted his head slightly, pulling his face away from her neck to look at the time the clock on the nightstand read, and that was when he realized that the disturbing migraine he had been experiencing seemed to have gotten countless times worse during the night.</p><p>Blake softly groaned in pain and Gwen sighed beside him, moving a little. That was when he saw that there was another person beside her on the bed. They were not alone.</p><p>Her arm was stretched out of bed and Jack was laying with his head on top of it, his face was hidden in her chest and Gwen's chin was resting on his head. They both slept soundly, breathing peacefully in the silence of the dark room. </p><p>Blake felt happy and sad at the same time. Happy because Jack was finally giving some of the comfort Gwen needed, but sad because she wasn't awake to see him. Either way, his heart was filled with love and he was able to ignore the killer headache much more easily then. </p><p>His arm around Gwen's waist went up and he stroked Jack's back, wrapping the two of them in a hug. As soon as Blake touched him, Jack lifted his head and slowly opened his eyes. He smiled when he stared at his father.</p><p>“Sorry to wake you, buddy." Blake whispered very quietly. "Close your eyes and go back to sleep." </p><p>Jack rubbed his eyes and yawned. “It's ok, daddy, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Mommy isn't ready, I couldn't come to see her.”</p><p>“Don't worry, she'll be fine. We will all be fine.” He said as he stroked the boy's hair.</p><p>"Can you tell her I will always be with her?" Jack asked as he slowly rose to sit on the edge of the bed. </p><p>"Why don't you tell her yourself when she's ready?”</p><p>"I don’t think I will be able to. I think I have to go.” The little boy put his legs out of bed and jumped to the floor.</p><p>"What? Why?" Blake was completely disoriented, and he rose to sit up, but he had to close his eyes because the headache blinded him.</p><p>When he opened them, his vision was blurred and he could only see Jack’s figure in front of him. </p><p>"Because mommy isn't ready, but you are, daddy." Jack said, and took a few steps back, toward the half-open door. “I just wanted to say goodbye for now.”</p><p>"Wait, Jack..." Blake was still whispering. "Please, don’t leave."</p><p>"Don't be afraid, daddy." </p><p>He saw the little boy turn around and run out of the bedroom.</p><p>"Jack!" This time he screamed for him, and felt Gwen shudder on the bed beside him, probably waking up scared, but he didn't have time to pay attention to her, Blake practically jumped over her body to stand up and run after his son. He couldn't lose him again, he wasn't going to let that happen.</p><p>Before he even managed to get to the bedroom door, he was invaded by a strange rising sensation in his stomach, like adrenaline rushing through his body, similar to the feeling of being on a roller coaster, but it was not a good feeling, it was something that was out of place and it was very uncomfortable. He felt sick. </p><p>Halfway down, his two legs started to shake and he felt his entire body get really stiff, until he couldn’t even move anymore. And that was when he fell down. Blake didn’t even realize he was falling, he was dizzy and before he knew, he had hit his head hard on the floor.</p><p>“Blake!” He heard Gwen scream, and in a matter of seconds she was by his side. </p><p>He was still conscious when she wrapped her arms around him and lifted his head from the cold floor, holding him tight while trying to call for help on her phone at the same time. He was also still kind of aware when his body started to convulse, right there, in her arms. He couldn't hear anything and his vision was blurred, but Gwen's face was so close to him that he was still able to focus on her, and on her face he saw that she was so scared, desperately crying while holding him tight. He also didn't feel her grip on him anymore. He couldn’t feel anything, but Gwen was all he could see as his mind slowly passed from conscious to total darkness.</p><p>And if that was happening a few days ago, he would be embracing it all very easily, but not in that moment. In that moment, while Blake's body didn't respond to anything he was trying to do, he felt desperate and he mentally begged that what was happening was not the result of the way he had wished he could end his own life, when he was laying on the attic floor the night before. He no longer wanted that, and he regretted it. It wasn't even because he was afraid of death, it was out of fear of leaving Gwen alone. He didn't want to hurt her again, he didn't want to leave an even deeper mark on her heart, over the one that Jack had already left, but most of all, he didn't want to abandon her again.</p><p>He grabbed her wrist and tried to fight for her. Blake did everything in his power, if anything, but he was not strong enough.</p><p>After what seemed like long minutes trying to stay, he felt the darkness slowly suck him into unconsciousness. And Blake saw nothing else.</p><p>He was <em>nothing</em> more.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Silent night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“There are many options to choose from, even in this sad time." Her mind kept drifting through the worst events in her life, which had all happened in those last two days, but Gwen could still hear that man's voice talking about coffins and burial.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She wanted to be able to punch him in the face with all the strength she still had inside her. How dare he walk into her house and talk about small child-sized coffins? Her son had just died. All she wanted to do was mourn him in peace for at least a few days.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It wasn’t really intentional when she fixed her gaze on the funeral home’s employee, but before she knew, she was looking at him with a murderous look and one persistent question kept popping in her mind again and again: Did he know she killed her baby?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You don't have to choose anything, we can arrange everything for you, but many parents of young children prefer to choose."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen heard Blake take a deep breath next to her. The warmth of his hand holding hers was the only thing that kept her sane, or at least a little more present, even if she didn't want to be. "I don’t know. We didn't have time to decide anything.” She saw his head turn in her direction, but she didn’t look at him. "What do you think, honey?" Blake asked.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>In those last two days, that must have been the third or perhaps the fourth time he had spoken to her, and Gwen couldn't help but think that it was only because of the man's presence. She was sure Blake didn't really want to talk to her, but he had to at that moment.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I do not care." She replied sharply, but her voice sounded somewhat nonchalant. She didn’t know why, but maybe it was the way she still stared at the man in the chair opposite her, or maybe because the pain of knowing her husband couldn't even pretend that he still liked her had just pierced her heart again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Wasn't there anyone else who could sort all those things out for them? Someone from their family, who would take care of the funeral preparations so that she and Blake could talk to each other and suffer the loss of their son? Where was his mother, who was always so helpful and present? Where was her mother, who’s life goal was to get into their lives and tell them how they had to live it? There was no one. No one but the two of them. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> All Gwen knew was that she didn't have time for this.  She was too busy losing everything she had. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It all started in those crucial three minutes. Three minutes when she had ceased to be the happy woman she was, the satisfied and passionate wife, the dedicated and proud mother. She was none of that anymore. The three minutes was what it took to walk that tightrope between everything she had and everything she was about to lose. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She still vividly remembered the way she had been distracted and ruined everything, the desperation to realize that she had been absent for too long, the way her legs seemed to not want to work to climb the stairs, and when she opened the door to the bathroom and held her breath for too long. She tried to care for her sick son and failed, tried to save him and failed again. And he was gone. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen was too busy reliving that nightmare of falling on the wet bathroom floor with her son's dead weight in her arms, when in a matter of minutes she watched him die without even understanding what was really happening.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She would blame herself for those three minutes for the rest of her life. If she still deserved one.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I can’t do this." Gwen wasn't even paying attention to the conversation when she got up from the couch.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And she didn't even look back, or face either of them for another minute. She just wanted to get out of there, she wanted those thoughts to stop haunting her, but she knew she would relieve that night forever, therefore Gwen just wished she was the one who died, instead of Jack. She would trade her life for his in the blink of an eye.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She ran up the stairs with her eyes closed so as not to risk looking at the common bathroom closed door in the second-floor hallway. Even though she couldn't see anything until she was inside the master bedroom, she knew that Blake was following her because she heard his footsteps right behind her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Honey?" He stopped at the door. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen looked at him and apparently she gave him some kind of courage with the way she stared, but she didn't remember exactly what it was.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake then stepped forward and tried to reach her, but she was overcome by a very strong anger, an anger that left her blind. She was angry at herself. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She dodged him and pushed his arms away from her. Blake couldn't touch her, she didn't deserve it. He was right to hate her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"He's dead, Blake." Gwen reminded him. She didn’t want to remind him that it was her fault, but she hoped he understood it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The anger inside her was so strong that Gwen couldn't breathe anymore. Her chest ached and it was such an agonizing pain that made her want to dig it with her own nails until she could pull out whatever it was that hurt like that inside her. She needed it to stop soon, because that pain was making her want to end everything once and for all.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen looked around, searching for anything that could distract her from that feeling. The first thing she saw was a flower vase that was over on the dresser. Not even thinking about it, she picked it up and threw it on the floor.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"My baby is dead!" She screamed. Maybe she could push that anger out that way. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen thought that breaking something would help her vent and distract her from the pain she felt, but as soon as she saw the broken vase and the water that kept the flowers moistened all over the hardwood floor, the anger gave way to sadness and Gwen deeply regretted having caused that scene. She regretted screaming at Blake and abusing the  funeral home’s employee who was just there to help them sort things out in the best possible way. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That mess she had just caused looked a lot like what she was on the inside at that moment, but that wasn’t what she wanted to be. Gwen didn’t want to hurt anyone, she just wanted to stop hurting. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But who was she trying to fool? It would never stop hurting.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Blake was paralyzed a few steps away from her, his eyes wide and he had a startled look. Right there, Gwen felt that she had lost another little piece of him, and it hurt her again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She looked him in the eye, feeling her eyes water, but he still didn't move, just stayed there, staring at her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>At that moment, her pain made her physically ill when it took the form of a very strong nausea. Gwen sobbed loudly and bent her body before running immediately to the bathroom, but she honestly thought she wasn’t going to make it there. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She ducked down in front of the toilet, hitting her knees hard when she fell, and the next second she was throwing up everything she still had in her stomach. Gwen had been sick the same way that morning, but this time the nausea was way stronger and her body was jerking forward violently again and again while she was vomiting and crying at the same time. She thought she was going to hurt herself, but she felt Blake approach her from behind and grab her waist to contain the rough shoves her body was experiencing. He also held her hair with his other hand and protected her face so she wouldn’t get hurt. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She wanted to thank him, but all she managed to do was cry even heavier, so she ended up not doing that.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When the contents of her stomach were all gone, she felt her whole body ache, especially on the inside, because of all those shoves and muscles contractions. And then Gwen felt weak, ashamed, vulnerable, and immeasurably defeated. She laid her head right there, on the toilet bowl, because she couldn't even move anymore.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Come, baby." Blake wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off the floor with ease.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen was not expecting that, nor did she expect it to have such a strong effect on her. She cried even harder, feeling her heart beat tightly inside her chest, but this time it wasn’t from just pain but from fear too. She was afraid she was really going to lose Blake, and she couldn’t bare. For the first time since she lost Jack, she felt cared for and protected, and she really needed that, although it was scary. Blake's love was the only thing she still had, and she really didn’t want to lose it, even if she didn't think she deserved him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She wanted to stay with Blake. She had already lost Jack. Jack was gone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen hid her head in Blake's chest and gripped his shirt tightly when she felt the strong pain in her chest suffocating her again. "My baby… I want my baby back." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He took her to their bed and laid her carefully, but as soon as she was out of his arms, he was ready to leave her again. "I'll be right back."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was as if he reached out to give her a certain amount of attention and affection, just to keep her sane, but the next second he took it from her, making it clear that everything had changed between them.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Please stay with me." Gwen couldn't say whether that was the result of how exhausted she was and how much she really needed Blake, or whether her numbness had even ended her pride, but that desperate request that had been whispered from her lips was certainly her last attempt to feel something. Anything.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I need to finish dealing with that." He denied it to her in what seemed like a simple and definitive decision.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen was slow to assimilate what that meant. She blinked and more tears fell from her eyes. The realization that he preferred to leave her there alone in that state in which she was, pierced her painfully like a double-edged blade. She sobbed and nodded slowly as she internally accepted the fact that he wasn't going to take care of her because he also thought she didn't deserve it. And she really didn't deserve it. Gwen thought she should be punished for taking so much from Blake, after all, her act of negligence had taken their son's life. It was her fault,<br/>
or at least that was how she saw it, and now she was sure that Blake saw it that way too.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen wanted to feel something and she did: She felt hate for herself. But she was unable to even process it in the right way, because something else bothered her way more. And it was not even the fact that Blake blamed and hated her, but that the hatred he felt for her was even preventing him from mourning the death of their son.  And for her, he was just standing there, like a heartless zombie.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You’re not even crying about it. Why won’t you cry for him?” She ended up asking, transferring all that anger and pain she felt to him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Gwen, I... I'm trying my best here." Her heart broke with the way Blake looked exhausted and sad when he said that. "I'm trying not to fall apart, because there are a lot of things that we have to deal with right now.” But still Gwen didn't think it was enough for him to act that way when it was about grieving their son’s death.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Suddenly Gwen felt her entire body tremble, and she needed to expel that anger out of her. "I don’t care about those things. My baby just died!" She screamed, and all the sadness came back to her at once, hitting her so hard that she thought she would pass out. She had to take a deep breath. “You know what? Never mind, I don't need you." </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen turned on her side to turn her back to Blake. She pushed him away mostly because she wasn’t well and she knew that if she kept going, she would probably hurt him more than she already had. And also because she knew he didn’t want to be with her, he made that clear when he denied her request and chose to leave. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And he left. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Once she was alone, Gwen's grief hit her like a tall, icy wave. The crying was as violent as the vomiting, but this time it was quiet, since she had no more air to scream. She painfully cried in silence until she seemed to run out of tears too, so she just laid there alone on their bed, staring at the empty wall with an apathetic facial expression.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Gwen secretly wished that Blake would enter the room and lie down with her, hug her right there or else take her somewhere, anywhere. But that didn't happen, he didn't come back. The day turned into night, the light turned into darkness, and the weeks turned into lonely, scary months... until Gwen couldn't take it anymore. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Miss?" The hand on her shoulder startled her. "Sorry."  The young doctor seemed a bit scared too. "Are you ok?"</p>
<p>Gwen blinked but the image of the yellowed wall in front of her overshadowed her vision. She realized she hadn't fallen asleep, she was simply staring at the wall opposite the chair she was sitting on while her memories haunted her.</p>
<p>It was so noisy there. People were talking so loudly and walking from side to side. Even the coffee machine was loud and there was a baby crying non stop somewhere. Gwen never thought that kind of thing was allowed in the hospital waiting room at six in the morning.</p>
<p>“How is he? Is he awake? Will he be ok?" She started bombarding the doctor with questions.</p>
<p>“He's stable for now, but he's still unconscious. We need an authorization for emergency surgery.” The doctor informed her.</p>
<p>"Surgery? What kind of surgery?” Gwen felt the color suddenly disappear from her face.</p>
<p>She was so cold there huddled in an uncomfortable chair, with her head against the cold wall. Once the ambulance got to their house, she had run out barefoot, in her pajamas, and had even forgotten how cold late December could get up there. Everything had happened so fast and Gwen was not thinking about anything other than to help Blake, she even forgot about herself.  </p>
<p>That was the first time that the young doctor realized that he should ask more questions.</p>
<p>"Are you his wife?"</p>
<p>"I... I'm his ex-wife." She knew where that conversation was going, and the consequences too.</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"What?" Gwen knew what it was. </p>
<p>She knew that hospital really well. Jack had been born there and he was also officially declared dead there, by one of the doctors, and now all the good memories she once had of that place were overwhelmed by the bad ones, which were terrible. </p>
<p>She was suffocated by the fear that Blake would also not leave that hospital alive.</p>
<p>"With the patient unconscious and without the presence of a family member, I don't know if I can share information with you." The doctor said.</p>
<p>"What? But I was with him. I brought him here.” Her body shivered. It was so cold there. But she wasn’t sure it was really just the cold.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." It was the doctor's response to her. “Do you know where his family is? Someone needs to sign the forms for the surgery and it can't be you, unfortunately.”</p>
<p>Gwen felt useless again, and that brought tears to her eyes. "In Oklahoma, I think." She sniffed.</p>
<p>“Well, do you have a number? They need to come here as soon as possible.”</p>
<p>"Yeah." She nodded and took a deep breath. Then she put her hand in her pajama pocket, pulling her phone out.</p>
<p>Her hands were shaking when she lifted the phone and ran through the contact list, quickly finding Blake’s mother’s name on it. She pressed to call. The phone rang only two times and someone answered on the other end of the line.</p>
<p>"Gwen?" Dorothy's voice had an obvious surprised tone and Gwen knew why. She used to be very close to her ex-mother-in-law, but they haven't spoken to each other since she left the house and divorced her son from a distance.</p>
<p>"Dot, you need to come here." She softly cried. "It's about Blake."</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>Gwen had been alone there for hours — she didn't even know how many — feeling cold and not being able to see Blake, not even knowing how he was holding up or having any further information at all about him. On top of that, she was still being tormented by those painful memories of when Jack died, probably because she was afraid of losing Blake too, and also because of the similarities in those situations. It had all happened when she was the only one there and she had ended up having to try to bring them both back. With Jack she failed, but the results were a little better with Blake, however, just as she still felt her son's weight in her arms often, at that moment she could still feel Blake's. </p>
<p>Those were memories she thought she didn't even have anymore. But still, Gwen stayed there, and she wouldn't leave until she heard from Blake, because she promised him that she would stay and take care of him, and she still planned on doing both of those things if he wanted her too. </p>
<p>As she absently stared at the end of the long hospital corridor, Gwen saw Dorothy approaching in the distance, and quickly stood up from her uncomfortable chair. She did not approach her ex-mother-in-law, she waited there, in the waiting room, and it was mainly because she had seen that Dorothy wasn’t alone, Endy was beside her, walking fast and heavy, with clenched fists. Gwen knew what that meant, Blake's sister was angry with her.</p>
<p>"What the fuck did you do to him this time?" Endy questioned her as soon as they were close enough.</p>
<p>"Endy, stop." Dorothy warned her.</p>
<p>"I... I didn't do anything to him... I-I think." Gwen replied uncertainly, but she looked at her ex-mother-in-law instead of Endy when she spoke. She thought that if she owed anything to anyone, it was to Dorothy. "He is sick. Did you know that he is sick?”</p>
<p>"He's not sick, shut up." Endy showed her frustration again. </p>
<p>"Yes he is." Gwen sobbed softly and nodded. “How could you not see it? I was with him for a few days and I could see it.”</p>
<p>"What’s wrong?" Dorothy asked, looking startled.</p>
<p>"She's what’s wrong with him." Blake's sister accused. "I bet you made him feel like the worst man on earth again."</p>
<p>"That's enough, Endy." Blake's mother scolded her again.</p>
<p>“He was seeing Jack.” Gwen said, and both women looked at her with wide eyes. “Not only seeing him. Blake was talking to him, hugging him…”She sobbed, but forced herself to keep going. "I don't know what he has, they won’t tell me anything because I'm just his ex wife. But he needs surgery."</p>
<p>"Surgery? My God...” Both Dorothy and Endy seemed shocked.</p>
<p>"Excuse me ma’am? We need to talk about your son’s condition.” The same young doctor approached them.</p>
<p>Gwen wasn't sure how he knew who Dorothy was, but something was telling her that it had to do with the ids they had to present at the hospital entrance. "Can you follow me to a more private space, please?"</p>
<p>Endy intertwined her arm with her mother's, but Dorothy stood there. "We don't need to go anywhere, doctor, we are among family here and Blake would want us to go through this together." She looked over her shoulder and directly at Gwen, nodding slightly.</p>
<p>Gwen felt like crying again, but this time with relief, even though she had never really stopped. She nodded too.</p>
<p>"Ok." The doctor cleared his throat quickly. "Blake has a malignant tumor located behind his head, more precisely on his occipital lobe."</p>
<p>“Cancer?" Gwen felt weak and very scared again. It was as if her body wanted to give in.</p>
<p>"Yes. A brain tumor.” The doctor explained. “It is a tumor that grows fast and we need to operate as quickly as possible. He had a seizure that was almost fatal, and it might have actually been if he was alone.”</p>
<p>"We will authorize the surgery then." Dorothy was even out of breath when she spoke.</p>
<p>"I will bring the forms in a minute." The doctor said, and then left as quickly as he had appeared. </p>
<p>Gwen had to sit down again on the uncomfortable armchair in the waiting room. Her entire body was shaking.</p>
<p>"Are you ok?" She saw a man approach Dorothy and hold her shoulders. She noticed just then that he was surrounding them since the beginning and realized that he had arrived with the two of them. </p>
<p>That made Gwen quickly find out that he could only be Blake's mother's new boyfriend, of whom Blake had talked about in the first few days.</p>
<p>"Lionel, can you get my extra coat that is in the car?" Dorothy asked him. "I think Gwen is cold."</p>
<p>Just hearing that simple request, made Gwen start to cry again. It wasn't the uncomfortable cold, it was Blake's mother's genuine demonstration that she still cared for her. </p>
<p>When she saw her crying, Dorothy came over and sat on the chair next to her. Endy followed Lionel down the long hallway.</p>
<p>"Blake is strong." She told Gwen. “You know he is. He will come out of this even stronger.” Gwen nodded, still crying. "But it will mean a lot to him if you're here when he wakes up. I know it will." Dorothy reached for her hand. </p>
<p>Gwen wept even more heavily when she felt so comforted by her ex-mother-in-law holding her hand. "I won’t leave.” She promised. “I love him. I love him so much."</p>
<p>"I know, sweetie." Dorothy wiped the tears off Gwen's face and hugged her lightly. "I know."</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>The surgery was scheduled urgently for the same day in the afternoon. It started around 3 pm and lasted more than 5 hours. Around 8:30 pm, they received the news that the surgery was over and that everything had gone as expected, now all they had to do was wait for Blake to wake up to be sure of what the recovery phase would be like, and whether he would fully recover from that. Since he was still unconscious it was impossible to say.</p>
<p>According to the surgeon, it usually took a few hours for someone to wake up after brain surgery, and Blake would be transferred to the intensive care unit at the moment, to have very close and more exclusive nursing care until he woke up. But also according to him and all the other doctors they spoke to, everything was going as planned and Blake would hopefully be fine soon.</p>
<p>As soon as he was accommodated in the ICU, visits were allowed, as long as they were in groups of two people at a time. </p>
<p>Gwen let Dorothy and Endy go in first and then took advantage of the moment Lionel picked them up for dinner to have a moment alone with Blake. </p>
<p>When she entered the room, the first image was somewhat shocking. Blake had a bandage all over his head and he was much paler than usual.  He was breathing with the help of a ventilator and was connected to a thousand different wires. The only noise inside the room was the long beeps of the devices that measured everything possible around him. </p>
<p>Gwen came over and touched his face lightly. Her cold hand immediately contrasted with his warm skin, and she pulled it away quickly, afraid it would bother him.</p>
<p>She sat beside his bed and leaned over until she had her head laying against his stomach. Then she held his left hand with both of hers.</p>
<p>"I’m right here." She whispered the phrase they always said to each other in the most difficult times. "I told you that I would stay and I’m staying." She continued to say.  </p>
<p>Gwen thought that talking to someone who she wasn’t sure could hear her would be very strange at first, but it wasn't. She was so used to just telling him everything for so many years, it no longer mattered if he was really listening. But Gwen wished he was. “I'm sorry that you weren't really seeing Jack. I wish you were. I wish he had managed to come back to love you and comfort you when you needed. I wish I had done a better job with that too.” In her mind she could hear Blake disagreeing with her, he would never let her talk about herself like that, he would say that she had done the best she could, but it wasn’t true. "I'm sorry that Jack isn't here and you had to make him up so you could keep living. I know that’s how much you wanted our son to be in your arms.” She sniffed. “I'm sorry I was so distant all this time and I wasn't the person you deserved me to be, but please stay." Her voice broke and Gwen felt the lump in her throat almost choke her. To ease that tightness in her chest, she had to cry again. “You are everything I have. You are my home, you are my family, you are the only thing I cannot lose. I can’t lose another someone that I know I will never be able to replace. So please, fight. I need you to fight this.” </p>
<p>Gwen had to pause to take a deep breath after a heavy sob, so she brought Blake's hand up to her face, kissing his fingers and then resting them on her cheek, over her tears. “Even if all these past few days have been a mistake. Even if it was the tumor that made you want me again, I wouldn't mind. I just want you to wake up. I want you to have a lifetime of happiness to live, even if you don't want to live it by my side. I just need you to survive, ok? So please... survive.”</p>
<p>"Hey." Gwen got scared with that voice suddenly calling for her. She turned toward the door and saw that Endy was there. "Mom wants to know if you want anything to eat." </p>
<p>She tried to hide her how heavy she was crying by quickly wiping her tears, but she knew it wouldn’t work the way she wanted it to. She didn't even know for how long Endy had been there and whether she had heard anything she said or not.</p>
<p>"No, thank you." Gwen answered her question. "I'm not hungry."</p>
<p>"Did you even eat anything today?" Blake's sister insisted.</p>
<p>"I'm fine." Gwen turned back to Blake and turned her back to her.</p>
<p>"It wasn't the tumor, you know?" Endy went on talking anyway. “He loves you. Always loved, always will. Everyone knows." Gwen turned to face her again, but this time she couldn't contain her tears or hide them. “All I want is for you to be sure, because even if he survives this, he won’t want to live if you leave him again. I know that."</p>
<p>"I'm sure." Even though she was crying, Gwen had no problem saying that.</p>
<p>Endy just nodded. "I'm going to bring you something to eat." She took a step back and closed the door before Gwen could say anything. And Gwen was grateful. </p>
<p>She took Blake's hand again and this time laid her head lightly over it. Her fingertip moved slowly up his arm, until she carefully caressed his face.</p>
<p>"I'm right here." She whispered. </p>
<p>And she wouldn't go anywhere without him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You want to see something fun? You can find the first version of this flashback on chapter 2 and compare them.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Baby, it’s cold outside</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the second to last chapter. I just thought I should let you know. </p>
<p>Enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"It's been <em>four</em> days." Gwen took her scarf off her neck because she was feeling hot and suffocated. "Is he ever going to wake up?"</p>
<p>"We don’t know." The surgeon answered honestly.</p>
<p>“How can you not know?” Out of frustration, she tossed her scarf on the hospital's conference table. “Please, we don't want you to lie to us.” At that point, she was already desperate and knew that that meeting would not get them anywhere, but she was still trying.</p>
<p>Dorothy, Lionel, and Endy were also there, and Blake’s sister was always the one who used to make a scene and question everything, but Gwen was exhausted, she didn’t want to sit and wait anymore, it’s been too long.</p>
<p>Or maybe she was angry again. Angry at herself. Angry because she was too late again.</p>
<p>“His brain suffered significant damage. The tumor, the seizure, the surgery, all at once was too demanding of him and he went through some complications in the postoperative period.” The doctor explained.  She was an older woman, in her fifties, slim and very clean-looking, with salt and pepper hair tied in a perfect bun on top of her head.  She was very experienced in the field, Lionel had researched everything about her after Blake's operation.  Her career was impeccable. “We induced his coma at first so that he would heal and he is healing. We removed all the tumor, his condition is stable, he has brain activity, his body is just not ready to wake up yet, and this is something we cannot control, only he can.”</p>
<p>"He's been sleeping for four days, this can't be normal." Endy joined Gwen in that discussion, since questioning Blake’s doctors had been her job since the surgery. "He's on life support, for God's sake."</p>
<p>"I know it's frustrating, but there's not much we can do now, other than making sure he's comfortable." The surgeon told them. “He has been moved to a private room and is receiving the best care possible. Believe me, he is doing good. Now it's just a question of whether he will keep fighting all those constant battles and, if so, when he will wake up, but I don't have the answers to those questions yet.”</p>
<p>"Ok, girls, that's enough." Dorothy finally intervened. “The doctor is doing as much as she can. Blake will get out of this soon, I know he will.”</p>
<p>Endy grunted under her breath. “This is crazy, mom.”</p>
<p>But Gwen just looked for the nearest chair to sit on.</p>
<p>“You should keep talking to him often. Studies show that it can help to keep brain activity high.” The doctor added.</p>
<p>"It seems like a good plan for now." Dot agreed. "Now come on, I'm sure the doctor has a lot more to do." They were all occupying one of the hospital's meeting rooms, and needed to vacate it soon.  </p>
<p>"If we work together, we will be able to do the best for Blake." The surgeon was already gathering her belongings to leave.</p>
<p>Dorothy nodded as the doctor said goodbye quickly, before leaving the room and leaving them alone.</p>
<p>"So, should we start looking at transferring him to another hospital?" Endy asked as soon as the door closed.</p>
<p>"We could do that." Gwen got up from the chair, instantly agreeing. "We can search for the best professionals to take care of him."</p>
<p>"Stop that." Blake's mother intervened. “Blake is comfortable here, he’s in good hands. He's getting the best care he could. We have to be patient, trust the doctors and Blake.” She said, frowning. “Pointing fingers and fighting with each other is not going to help anything. The doctor said that we need to work together and she is right.”</p>
<p>“I can't sit and wait anymore, Mom. This is ridiculous." Endy protested all that.</p>
<p>Gwen, in turn, was quiet. She knew that Dorothy was right. It made no sense to transfer Blake anywhere else when the staff at that hospital was doing everything they could for him, and a little more. They were just sad and frustrated and blaming whoever they could. </p>
<p>"He really liked it here." She quietly said, attracting the other’s attention. “This is the place we chose to spend the rest of our lives. Winter was his favorite season to spend here too. If he has to be somewhere, I'm sure he would like to be here.”</p>
<p>"See?" Dot nodded. “He will stay here. We will all stay here.” She gave her final word.</p>
<p>"Fine." Endy rolled her eyes and turned to leave the room too.</p>
<p>"Do you need me to go check on her?" Lionel asked, somewhat uncertain.</p>
<p>"No, it’s ok." Dorothy answered him. “But I would love it if you could get us some coffee from anywhere else but the hospital cafeteria, honey. I can’t stand that weak coffee any longer.”</p>
<p>"Of course." He replied, seeming so helpful and understanding. "Do you need anything, Gwen?"</p>
<p>"No, thank you." She answered quickly, and Lionel left them alone, after stroking Dorothy's shoulder quickly to show some affection. </p>
<p>“Blake and Endy are still not very used to Lionel, you know? They act like they don’t like him.” Dot started talking as she watched the door closing. “I think they will only accept him when their father is gone.”</p>
<p>“Blake said something about it a few days ago." Gwen told her. “But he understands the situation. He wants you to be happy, he just needs to get used to the idea. You know how understanding he is.”</p>
<p>"Oh, I know. And I understand them too.” Blake's mother nodded. "I'm not in a hurry. One day they will focus only on how good he is and how happy he makes me.”</p>
<p>“Lionel seems like a good man." Gwen said, feeling the lump in her throat tighten, not even knowing exactly why. "You deserve someone good."</p>
<p>"Oh come here, sweetie." Dorothy carefully pulled Gwen into a hug. She looked just so fragile those days that anything seemed like it could break or hurt her. "Blake is so lucky to have you."</p>
<p>Gwen felt her heart ache again as if someone was squeezing it. "No." She quietly sobbed. “I shouldn't have left him. I have so many regrets about that. I should have stayed because he needed me.”</p>
<p>“No dear, no.” Dorothy rubbed her back lightly. "You should have stayed, but not because he needed you, but because you needed each other." Blake's mother broke the hug to look at her. Gwen was a mess again, her suffering had taken over her tear-stained face again. She was shaking and her body was a bit bent forward, as if she was in pain. “You never meant to hurt him. He would never intentionally hurt you. This was the work of grief and pain. I've known you since you were a girl. You two were side by side at every step of life. You loved him when he was a reckless boy and you showed him how to be better. I am very grateful for you.” She wiped the tears from Gwen's face. “The man Blake has become is the best version he could be, and he is devotedly in love with you. He always will be.”</p>
<p>“I will always love him too." Gwen could barely speak.  Her chest hurt. “I just regret leaving him. We lost two years of our life together and now that we found our way back to each other it seems too late.”</p>
<p>“It’s never too late to love someone.” Dorothy put a lock of Gwen’s hair behind her ear. “In life we go through so many things that we don't understand. We carry so much weight that sometimes we didn't have to. But you lost your baby, there is no greater pain than this for a mother. Believe me, I would know that.” And she really did. If anyone could relate perfectly to all of Gwen's losses, it was Dorothy. “Blake doesn't blame you, I don't blame you. Endy has been frustrated with everything in life since she saw her brother in such a low place again, and her father suffering the way he is now, but she doesn't blame you either. I'm sure Jack doesn't blame you, he was the sweetest boy I've ever met and you were the best mother he could ever have.” Gwen sobbed when she heard that. She was fully crying again, unable to control her emotions. “So it's time to leave the past in the past. Stop blaming yourself, sweetie. It’s a weight you don’t have to carry.”</p>
<p>Dorothy ended her speech by holding Gwen's face and kissing her forehead. Gwen felt as if all of her wounds had been open and exposed for the past few days. Her traumas were stronger, more alive than ever, and tormenting her often, but at that moment it was as if Dot was physically covering her with love and understanding, taking care of her wounds, warming her broken heart, and it made her feel protected and cared for, exactly in the way she needed then.</p>
<p>"Thanks for saying that." She was still crying, but softly now, and that was all she managed to say, but Gwen was under the impression that Dorothy knew how much she really appreciated what she was saying.</p>
<p>“We should go back to the waiting room. I want to check on Blake.” She said, and Gwen just nodded and followed her.</p>
<p>They crossed the large hospital corridor, towards the nearest waiting room, which was also really close to where Blake’s new room was.</p>
<p>"Do you have any plans for New Year’s Eve?" Dorothy asked as they walked side by side.</p>
<p>"Do I have any plans for anything in life right now?" It was Gwen's answer and question at the same time, but not in an abrupt or rude way, it was just the truth. “There is no one more lost than me."</p>
<p>“Well, Endy is going to visit their father. She wants to take the kids to see him and take the opportunity to tell him about Blake.” She said. "Even though he won't keep the information for long, she thinks it's important that he knows."</p>
<p>Gwen nodded in agreement. "I think Blake would want him to know."</p>
<p>"I agree." Dorothy said. “However, Lionel and I would like to stay here, if it's ok with you. We didn't want you to be alone here. We want you to have dinner with us.”</p>
<p>Gwen stopped in the middle of the hall. She appreciated it, but even without planning anything special, she had already decided how she wanted to spend New Year's Eve. “I actually wanted to spend the night with Blake." She said, feeling a little bad for refusing the invitation. "I was going to ask if you would let me stay with him on New Year's Eve. We made a promise, years ago, that we would always be together in the first minutes of every new year. I already broke that promise for two years in a row, I never want to break it again.”</p>
<p>"Of course, sweetie." Dorothy immediately agreed, lightly rubbing her arm. “But have dinner with us. I know we have nothing to celebrate at the moment, but we have so much to look forward to.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sure." Gwen agreed. She didn't think it would hurt. "I can do both."</p>
<p>The waiting room used to be empty and quiet, it was in a more reserved area of the hospital, but when they got there at that time, they found other people sitting around. </p>
<p>"Gwen!" Todd, her brother, was the first to get up from one of the armchairs and step forward to hug her. </p>
<p>Gwen hugged him back, very tightly, and felt her whole body tremble as if it was going to give in again. She didn't mind being surrounded by Blake's family, they had always gotten along very well, but feeling someone who knew her as well as Todd hugging and supporting her was something crucial she didn't even know she needed.</p>
<p>“Jen sent her love to you and Blake. Unfortunately she had to stay with the kids.” She nodded and slowly opened her eyes. Then, over Todd's shoulder, she found the other person in the waiting room. </p>
<p>“Mom?"</p>
<p>"Sorry, she insisted on coming." Her brother whispered so that only she could hear.</p>
<p>"Hi my love, how are you?" Her mother got up and hugged her too. </p>
<p>"What are you doing here, mom?" Gwen asked, still somewhat in shock.</p>
<p>"Well, you didn't show up for Christmas, so I pushed Todd until he told me what was going on." She explained to her daughter. "I can't believe you didn't say anything to me."</p>
<p>“What? I texted you to let you know I was stuck here. There was a bad blizzard.” Gwen was very confused at the time, even though she was hugging her mother back. “What did you want me to say? That Blake was sick?” She knew her mother couldn't care less about Blake's health.</p>
<p>"Sure, I wanted to know." She broke the hug to look at her daughter. “Besides, I always knew there was going to be a blizzard, a lightning storm, a hurricane, or something to trap you in this town with him. You know what I mean, right? I told you not to come. I told you you were better off in LA.” She went right back to hugging Gwen, and looked in Dorothy's direction. Blake's mother was staring at her in silence. They were all in the same room and there was no way to disguise that conversation. "Hi, Dot, how are you?"</p>
<p>"<em>Wonderful</em>, Patti." Dot gave her a forced smile and walked away, sitting on a chair across the waiting room.</p>
<p>"Why do you have to be like that?" Gwen whispered to her, letting go of that hug that she could no longer hold. "Her son is in a hospital bed and you're here looking for a a way to hurt people more than they are already hurt."</p>
<p>“I’m not doing this, Gwen, it’s your mind that tends to paint me as a villain in every situation.” Her mother rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>"Enough, this is no place for that." Todd intervened. "You said you weren't going to do that, mom."</p>
<p>“It's ok." She sighed. “Can we go to the house? I'm afraid to leave our luggage out in the car’s trunk in this horrible town.”</p>
<p>“Luggage?" Gwen exchange looks between Todd and her. "How long do you intend to stay here?" </p>
<p>Her brother shrugged.</p>
<p>“We came to spend New Year’s Eve. We will stay with you.” It was Patti who answered, with a smile. "You don't have to worry about anything anymore."</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>"Everything is a mess." Gwen opened the door to the house and entered first than the other two. "Blake and I were packing up before..."</p>
<p>Todd rested a hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Gwen."</p>
<p>Gwen opened the coat closet behind the door for them, and she took hers off too. “I don't know how we are going to organize ourselves. Everyone is staying here.” She said. "I think Todd can sleep on the couch, but I don't know about you, mom."</p>
<p>"I can sleep with you." Her mother was the last to enter the house, taking off her coat and scarf and putting them away. "Ugh this house gives me the creeps."</p>
<p>"You can't sleep with me." Gwen ignored what she said about the house and focused on the previous subject. "I'm sleeping in Jack's bed.”</p>
<p>"You are doing what?" Patti approached her daughter and patted her arm as if she was pitiful. "Oh, poor thing."</p>
<p>"The house doesn't bother me anymore." Gwen tried to cut that out. "Blake not being here is what bothers me."</p>
<p>"So are you two together again?" Todd asked.</p>
<p>"I'm not sure." She answered sincerely. “We were doing better, on the way to something good, I guess. But I don't know anything right now.”</p>
<p>"Brain tumor, huh." Gwen's brother sighed. "I never imagined that Blake would go through something like this."</p>
<p>"I know. Me neither." She closed the door after they both brought their bags inside. </p>
<p>"But he is strong, he will survive this."  Todd assured her. “I still talked to him often, even after everything that happened. He always asked about you. Not about your life or what you were doing, but about you, if you were doing ok, if you were taking care of yourself, if you looked sad, that kind of stuff. He just wanted you to be ok.” </p>
<p>Gwen approached Todd and practically threw herself into his arms for a hug. He welcomed her with open arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t. It was his way of taking care of you. I promised myself that I would only say something if he asked me to. But he never did.” Todd confessed. "I knew that life wasn't going to keep you away from each other for long." She sniffed and Todd stroked her hair. “Blake will be fine, Gwen. He has to get back to you.”</p>
<p>The end of December was getting colder with each passing day. Gwen, Todd, and Patti settled into the house, turned on the fireplace, and made some coffee. Todd showed pictures of Stella and Leo on Christmas Day, which Gwen had missed, and she told her brother a little about the symptoms she had seen in Blake before he had a seizure. Their mother joined them last, after a long shower. Gwen handed her a mug full with warm coffee.</p>
<p>"So he's been unconscious for four days?" Todd asked and Gwen nodded. "What do the doctors say?"</p>
<p>“That there is nothing they can do about it right now. That he is healing and that his condition is somewhat stable, but that he still has many battles to fight.” She explained.</p>
<p>"So he can wake up at any time, right?" He asked. "If he is stable and healing."</p>
<p>"Hm... Yes." Gwen agreed. "But he may never wake up, too."</p>
<p>"Can we talk about something else?" Patti heavily sighed. "Anything else."</p>
<p>Gwen frowned. "I honestly still don't know what you're doing here, mom." She said.</p>
<p>"I came to spend New Year's Eve with my daughter, since she never comes to me." Patti shrugged. "Your father is very disappointed."</p>
<p>"Mom, why would you say that?" Todd tried to intervene, but Gwen could already feel her blood boiling.</p>
<p>"Well, I don't have time to deal with your disappointments, my husband-"</p>
<p>"Ex-husband." Her mother corrected her. “Honey, don't you see that it doesn't do you any good? Have you been looking in the mirror lately? You look like you haven't slept in months. You are putting yourself back in an environment that has never been good for you. Come back to Los Angeles with us. You have a good job there and I thought you were happy.”</p>
<p>"Fuck the way I look." Gwen stood up and the chair behind her fell to the floor, making a loud noise. “Fuck LA. Fuck my good job. I was never happy after Jack died. I was miserable in Los Angeles.”</p>
<p>"No, you weren’t, you were-" Patti tried to speak, but Gwen interrupted her.</p>
<p>“I came back here and, yes, I had terrible days. I have horrible memories of this place. I miss a life that I will never have again, but I had Blake, and Blake makes me feel better. So I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do now, instead of listening to you.” She had to pause to breathe, because she was talking so madly that she didn't even realize she had been holding her breath for that long. “I'm going to quit my wonderful job, I'm going to stay here, at my forever home, and I'm going to take care of my husband. And I don't need you here. I’m not going to celebrate New Year’s Eve, so you can go back to LA and I can go back to being the biggest disappointment of your life, I don't care.”</p>
<p>Her mother had a frightened look for some time, while listening to her speech, but little by little the look on her face became one of pure sadness. "Why don't you say at once that you blame me for Jack's death?"</p>
<p>"What?" Gwen and Todd exclaimed at the same time.</p>
<p>"You blame me, don't you?" Patti insisted on the question. "Because if we weren’t on the phone that night, if I wasn't complaining, if I hadn't chosen that moment to say those things to you, maybe Jack would be alive." Gwen watched with wide eyes when her mother started to cry in front of them. "I know you blame me, but that’s ok, because I blame myself too."</p>
<p>Todd was rubbing his mother’s back, and he looked at his sister with an uncertain look, afraid she would confirm it all, because he didn't know what was going on in Gwen's mind, but he knew that their mother was a difficult person to deal with. </p>
<p>However, Gwen approached Patti and, instead of saying anything initially, she just hugged her. "No mom. I don't blame you. I’ve never blamed you for that.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That same day Patti returned to Los Angeles. Not because she was offended or mad, but because she had finally realized that it wasn’t her place to stay there. Gwen didn’t have time to deal with anything else at the moment, but they would settle everything later. </p>
<p>Todd stayed with his sister, and she felt loved and cared for again. He slept on the living room couch on the first night, but soon Endy returned to Oklahoma for a few days because of New Year's Eve and Todd moved into one of the bedrooms. </p>
<p>Gwen kept her promise on New Year's Eve and had dinner with Dorothy and Lionel, as well as her brother to whom the invite was extended. They didn’t celebrate the present, but all the possibilities the future held. But as soon as dinner was over, Gwen headed to the hospital to stay with Blake, keeping another one of her promises.</p>
<p>"Do you remember our first New Year's Eve together?" She was taking a walk down memory lane that night. She used to love Christmas, but New Year's Eve was when she used to look back and think about life. "We were dating for a few months and that night you said you were going to marry me one day." </p>
<p>Gwen had one of Blake's hands between her two, but he was still in that unresponsive state. Still, although a little paler than normal, he just seemed to be sleeping soundly now. She was already used to the devices around him and even the ventilator.</p>
<p>“God, we were so young, we didn't know anything about life. Well, everything I learned about life was with you by my side. And your mom is right, you were by my side when I was still discovering who I was, you made me your wife, and you helped me become a mother.” She paused to wipe the corners of her eyes. “We had such a good life. You are such a good man.” Gwen leaned forward until she was close enough to whisper in his ear. "I love you." She struggled to keep her voice from breaking. "I miss you." </p>
<p>At that moment, fireworks began to explode high in the icy sky, heralding the end of December and the beginning of a completely new and full of possibilities year. Her lips touched the skin on his face and she planted a long kiss as she intertwined their fingers.</p>
<p>Midnight. And Gwen was right there. It didn't matter if Blake wasn't fully conscious, she felt like he was there too and that was all that mattered to her.</p>
<p>It was possible to hear people celebrating outside, which was accompanied by a brief knock on the bedroom door.</p>
<p>Gwen turned in time to see a brief opening. The young doctor who had first received them at the hospital a few days ago appeared at the door. "Hey, Gwen, happy new year!" Now she knew that his name was Brad and that he was doing his residency at that hospital.</p>
<p>"Happy new year, Brad." She waved quickly.</p>
<p>Many people on the hospital staff already knew her, since she was there every day and didn’t intend to leave. The doctor nodded briefly and started to go out to give her privacy again.</p>
<p>"Hey Brad” Gwen called for him before he was out the door. “Do you think he's going to make it?" She knew he shouldn't answer that question in a positive or negative way, he should be as neutral as the surgeon always was.</p>
<p>"I have high hopes that he will." Even though he knew he shouldn't, his response was positive. </p>
<p>Gwen couldn't say why, but it made her feel so hopeful. "Me too." She smiled.</p>
<p>Brad nodded and took a step back, leaving the room and closing the door.</p>
<p>Gwen's fingers caressed Blake's face once more when they were alone again. "Happy new year, baby."</p>
<p><br/>
</p><p>***</p>
<p><br/>


</p><p>January went by slowly and without any changes, besides the weather. The morning breezes were getting colder and the nights seemed endless. The first week of February arrived and the snowstorms gave way to heavy rains. The freezing cold didn’t get better, though. </p>
<p>Blake's condition didn’t change a bit. He was still in a coma, unresponsive and showing no signs that he would ever wake up. The hopes were very high at first, but they gradually died down over the weeks that went by. And five weeks went by. Five weeks where every day was insanely the same, like running on a loop. Gwen slept in the hospital with Blake, Dorothy arrived in the morning and switched places with her, then Gwen returned and so they took turns. He was hardly ever alone.</p>
<p>Todd returned to Los Angeles, Endy had to stay in Oklahoma since the first weeks of January as well, and Lionel also needed to return to his routine far away from Truckee. They all had their own lives to live, and the new year did not wait for anyone. They returned to their duties and commitments, their family, their children, but all of them visited whenever they could. Only Dorothy stayed with Gwen, she and Betty, the dog, who had returned to her real home with Endy after New Year's Eve. Blake's sister had offered to take care of Betty, but Gwen preferred that she stay with her.</p>
<p>“What do you think, Betty? Is it time?" Gwen asked. The dog barked once and it was like she was answering the question. "Ok, let’s go then."</p>
<p>It was a cold February morning, and the pouring rain had not given any respite all week. The small house by the river felt like home again. Some things had actually been donated, but the boxes that were left were already unpacked and things were back in place. Family photos and heart-warming memories helped her to cope with the fact that she was alone and missed the rest of her family.</p>
<p>Gwen got up from the kitchen chair and crossed the room at a quick pace. Betty followed closely, thinking that maybe she was going to get something from that strange game. They went up the stairs, crossed the small upstairs hallway, but Gwen stopped at the common bathroom door. Betty stared at her in silence. She returned the look while biting her nail nervously.</p>
<p>Gwen took a deep breath and then entered the room. The first step inside of that room was always the most difficult one, but she had been punching her limits. She still couldn’t look at the bathtub, though. </p>
<p>Gwen covered her eyes with both hands, giving herself a few more seconds of ignorance, but she thought that was a bit childish and regretted it the next second, so she decided to end that torture at once. Her heart was beating really fast and her chest even hurt with anxiety when she slowly opened her eyes and looked down. On top of the bathroom sink there was a home pregnancy test, and the two colored lines were very obvious to read.</p>
<p>Gwen rested both hands on the sink to support herself. She felt dizzy and weak. "You already knew it." She told herself. "Don't be stupid. You knew it."</p>
<p>Betty approached the bathroom door and sat down, still staring at Gwen as if she needed to know the result too. "We're going to have a baby." She told the dog. "I can do this, right Betty?" Betty bent her head to the side, still looking at her. “Oh gosh, who am I trying to fool? I can't do this without Blake.”</p>
<p>The dog whined softly, as if she knew exactly what was going on, but she was probably just confused because she hadn't heard the words "treat" yet.</p>
<p>Gwen took the pregnancy test and put the cap back on it, covering the part she had used. But it still showed the result. She sat on the covered toilet and felt the lump in her throat tighten as her eyes traced the two red lines. At the first sign that she was upset, Betty came over and laid her head on her legs. Gwen stroked the dog's ears while crying softly, and Betty whimpered as well. </p>
<p>She didn't know what to say or do, but she knew she shouldn't be feeling so sad. She should be happy, but all she could feel was pain and fear.</p>
<p>The sound of her cell phone ringing far away disturbed her thoughts and Gwen got up quickly. She put the pregnancy test away in her sweater pocket and left the bathroom. She picked up the phone that was over her bed and saw that it was Dorothy calling, which was very strange, since Gwen had just seen her when they switch places at the hospital. It was still 8 am, it was less than an hour ago.</p>
<p>"Dot? What happened?" She answered the call that way.</p>
<p>"Gwen, you need to come to the hospital." Dorothy said hurriedly. </p>
<p>"Did Blake wake up?" Gwen could barely breathe. Dorothy was silent for a second on the other side. "Dot?"</p>
<p>"Oh sweetie, no." Blake's mother sobbed. “But you should come here. Come fast." </p>
<p>And just like that Gwen froze. She wanted to run, but her legs didn't respond, just like that night when she wanted to go upstairs quickly to get into the common bathroom, but never seemed to be able to get there. And just like that night, her heart already knew what was waiting for her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In my defense, I have none.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. O holy night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys, welcome to the final chapter. I hate endings. Thank you so much for holding on until here (kind of).</p>
<p>But let’s go, just one more.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He's been having less and less brain activity in the past few weeks, we're down to the minimum. And that may mean nothing, but the point is that on top of that, his brain is swollen again.” The doctor who had been taking care of Blake's case since the beginning, had gathered Gwen and Dorothy to talk about his condition, which was not very good. The two family members were sitting on chairs in the hospital's meeting room. “We have done everything we can, but we don't know how long Blake is going to keep fighting. We wanted to prepare you as the predictions going forward are not very good.” She explained. </p>
<p>Gwen sobbed softly.</p>
<p>“I don't believe this is happening. My son is so young, he is so strong.” Dorothy had been silent all that time, looking at the wall, and not moving. It was not the first time she had heard that, but now that Gwen was beside her and she was not the only person listening to that news, it all seemed much more real. "How is this possible?"</p>
<p>"How much time?" Gwen asked quietly. Her lungs were aching every time she would sob, and that made her breathing ragged. She wanted to calm down and knew she needed to, but she couldn't.</p>
<p>“It’s difficult to even say whether it will happen or not. It could be weeks, days, even hours, or it might not even happen at all. It may be that he goes into a vegetative state and he could live like that for years.” The doctor said. “It's just hard to imagine that he'll wake up, since his body seems to be giving up, but it's not impossible either.”</p>
<p>Dorothy looked at Gwen with a defeated look on her face. It seemed like she was reliving what had happened to her other son. She seemed sure that she would lose another one of her babies so soon, but Gwen was not yet ready to give up. She would give up only when she absolutely had to.</p>
<p>"Dot, can I have a few minutes alone with him?" She asked, holding her mother-in-law's hand. Dorothy seemed somewhat hesitant at first, perhaps because she was afraid something was going to happen to him when she wasn't there, but she ended up nodding. </p>
<p>"Of course, sweetie." </p>
<p>"We will keep you updated on any changes." The doctor informed them.</p>
<p>"Thank you, doctor." Gwen thanked her briefly, exchanging a quick look with Dorothy, which ended up giving Blake's mother's broken heart a little more hope.</p>
<p>Gwen left the conference room and went directly to the private room where Blake was. She closed the door and approached the windows to open the curtains because everything was very dark and quiet inside. Only then did she approach his bed.</p>
<p>Gwen sat in the armchair next to him and held one of his hands. “Honey, I know it's very difficult and I know that you must be very tired of fighting, but I need you to fight some more, ok? You can't give up. Especially not now.” Her thumb slowly stroked the back of his hand. "I have something to tell you." She let go of him and put her hand inside of the purse she carried on her shoulder. She groped around until she found what she was looking for.</p>
<p>Gwen took out the home pregnancy test, which still had its cap on. She placed the small object over his chest and grabbed his hand again, guiding it until his index finger was sliding over the uneven surface of the pregnancy test, which was very easy to recognize by touch. </p>
<p>"Do you remember this?" She asked, her voice somewhat excited. “Do you remember how excited we were the first time? We were over the moon and we didn't even care about how scary it could be, remember? I don't remember being scared for even a second. I had you, you had me, and we were starting our little family. We were so happy.” Gwen's excitement quickly turned into tears, but they were not completely sad tears, they were an uncontrolled mix of many types of emotions, ranging from hope to despair, through terror as well. “We have a small Christmas miracle growing.” She said, but took a deep breath right after. “And that was probably the most cliché thing I've ever said in my life.” She laughed at herself, even through her tears. If Blake was awake, he would have laughed at her too, and maybe the two of them would have cried together afterwards. "What I mean is, we're going to have a baby, Blake." Gwen sobbed, sliding his finger through the pregnancy test again before putting it away. “It's our second chance to have a family, and I can't do this without you. I am afraid I wont know what to do. I’m so afraid of hurting this baby or not being emotionally prepared for it, because I don't think I am. I'm afraid I’m too sad.” She had to wipe away some of the tears off her face and take another deep breath to be able to keep talking. “I know that I’ve already asked for this, I know that I may be demanding too much of you, but if there is any chance that you can fight to stay, please do so. Because I need you, but more than that, our baby needs you.”</p>
<p>Gwen lifted Blake's hand and made him touch her cheek, which made her close her eyes right away. Thinking that that could be one of the last times she could really be feeling his touch made her want to stay there next to Blake as long as she could, until she was forced to leave or until he was in fact gone. </p>
<p>Gwen allowed herself to cry for him there at that moment. Not the way she had been doing, little by little, when she thought of him, but in a desperate and painful way. She laid her head on his chest and cried until she couldn't breathe anymore, until her eyes were swollen, her lung ached again, and until the sobs hurt deeply in her chest. And then she had no more tears to cry and the chemicals in her brain prepared her for the acceptance that she could lose Blake forever. Well, Gwen welcomed that preparation, because her body went into a numb state and she was immobile for a long period of time. She didn't even have any thoughts, she just existed in that moment, as if her body was going into survival mode, but it was exactly what she needed.</p>
<p>When Gwen lifted her head and got off the chair to let Dorothy spend the rest of the morning and afternoon with Blake, as in the arrangement they had, she felt much better, except for the temporary dizziness her cry caused her. It was as if her brain had released toxins to protect her, and despite feeling numb, Gwen left the hospital knowing exactly what she was supposed to do that day, until the time she would have to go back to the hospital. And she had a lot to fix.</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>Gwen walked slowly across the street because of the ice that had formed after the cold rain that morning. Betty followed her at the same slow pace, walking beside her, without a collar or anything, but never straying too far from her. </p>
<p>Gwen's body was slightly curved downwards, because she was pulling Jack’s small custom bike with her. She walked to the end of the street, until she reached the green house. After crossing the small front yard, she knocked lightly on the front door, and it only took a few seconds before the handle turned and someone opened it.</p>
<p>As soon as there was a big enough gap, Gwen saw that it was Vivian on the other side.</p>
<p>“Hi, Vivian. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm your neighbor, Gwen. I am Blake's wife.” She thought it best to present herself that way, after all, that was how the whole town knew them: as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Shelton.</p>
<p>“Yes, of course, Gwen. Nice to see you again.” Vivian offered her hand to greet her, but she still seemed a little confused. They briefly shook hands. "How have you been?"</p>
<p>"Well... as well as I can be." Gwen shrugged. She was sure the whole town knew Blake was in the hospital. “Is Will home? I have something for him.” She pushed the bike forward and balanced it on the training wheels.</p>
<p>"Are you sure?" Vivian seemed a little shocked now.</p>
<p>"Yes." Gwen nodded in agreement. “I think we would all hate to see this bike tied to the house fence for the rest of our lives." She said honestly. </p>
<p>Vivian nodded slowly, as if she was still assimilating it. "Will, come down here." She called for him, opening the door wider, and seeing Betty sitting behind Gwen for the first time.</p>
<p>"Don't worry, Betty is a very sweet dog." Gwen assured her.</p>
<p>Will came down the stairs quickly, and Gwen watched him from the door. He looked like he was about five years old, or maybe a little older. He had dark skin and his curly hair was cut very short. Gwen did not fail to notice the boy's intense and curious eyes when he came near the door. </p>
<p>"Will, this is Gwen, our neighbor." The boy's mother introduced them.</p>
<p>"Nice to meet you, Gwen." Will said politely, but his eyes were already staring at the custom dinosaur bike.</p>
<p>“Will, Santa asked me to deliver this to you, because he said he knows you like this bike and dinosaurs a lot and he wanted you to have it. And Blake and I wanted it too.” Gwen said, indicating Jack's bike and then exchanging a brief look with Vivian. "He apologizes for the delay in delivery."</p>
<p>"Are you kidding?" The little boy's eyes and mouth widened in surprise. "This bike is the coolest thing I've ever seen!" </p>
<p>That made the two women laugh. </p>
<p>"Thank Gwen for the gift, Will." His mother said.</p>
<p>"Thank you very much, Gwen." In a quick forward movement, Will wrapped his small arms around Gwen and hugged her.</p>
<p>She was taken aback by that gesture, but hugged him back. “Don't thank me, just keep being the good boy you are. You deserve it." </p>
<p>The little boy nodded and broke the hug, looking excitedly at the bike again. "I can't wait to ride this dino bike!"</p>
<p>"Why don't you bring it inside and find a good place for it in the garage?" His mother suggested.</p>
<p>"Ok." Will took the handlebars of the bicycle and moved it into the house. “Hey, Gwen. Can you tell Santa I loved the present?”</p>
<p>"Oh of course, I'll definitely tell him." She smiled and the little boy smiled even bigger at her, then turned around to cross the hallway to the door leading to the garage.</p>
<p>"He will never forget what you just did for him." Vivian said quietly to her. "Thank you. I've never seen him so excited about any present."</p>
<p>"I'm doing myself a favor too." Gwen confessed. “I have to let go of some things. I mean, material things and some other things too.” She explained.</p>
<p>“I don’t suppose you want to talk about him, right?” Vivian asked, not really making it clear what she was talking about.</p>
<p>But Gwen knew. “Jack?” She lifted her head to look at her friendly neighbor. “Sometimes all we want is to talk about him, but no one is ever ready to hear a parent talking about their dead son, are they? We open our mouths because we’re desperate to remember him and people immediately freeze. It’s like they’re broken, or maybe we are broken and they want to distract us to make us shut up.” She told her, being more honest than she had ever been about that. “The only other person who hears me talk about Jack without wanting to change the subject is Blake. Because he understands and he has the same urge to remember all his little details.” Betty laid down next to Gwen's legs and whimpered softly. She missed Jack too, and certainly she also missed Blake at the moment. Gwen took a deep breath before continuing with her line of thought. “When a baby is born, that’s all people talk about for months, maybe years. They visit you, they celebrate, they want to be around... but when a child dies, no one wants to talk about it. People see you somewhere the week after and they act like nothing happened. Like Jack was never here.”</p>
<p>"I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child." Vivian pressed her coat against her body because of the cold, or perhaps because that subject was somewhat uncomfortable, Gwen could not say for sure, but she was used to the second option. “And now Blake is in a hospital. I am really sorry."</p>
<p>"Thanks. Keep us in your thoughts, if you can.” She nodded slightly. The ‘I’m sorry’ part wasn’t really her favorite. "I need to go now, but I will be around, so we will see each other often, I hope."</p>
<p>"Don't you want to come in and have some coffee?" Vivian asked.</p>
<p>"No, I really can't right now." Gwen took a step to the side and Betty stood up to follow her, wagging her tail. "Another day."</p>
<p>"Sure, another day." The neighbor agreed. “Let me know if you ever need anything. And thank you again.”</p>
<p>Gwen waved a hand this time and then she and Betty started to make their way back to their house, slowly up the street. </p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" Gwen hurried down the long hospital corridor, until she reached Blake's bedroom door and found Dorothy and Lionel there. "I went to get him some flowers and the line at the grocery store was so long." She apologized and explained.</p>
<p>"Don't worry, Gwen, we are going straight to the house." Dorothy’s boyfriend told her.</p>
<p>“Oh Betty is going to love this. She is extra needy today.” Gwen greeted them with quick one-arm hugs, as she held a flower bouquet in her other hand. "Any changes?"</p>
<p>"No, everything is the same." Dot said. "But at this point, this is good news."</p>
<p>"It's great news, he's holding on." Gwen planted a kiss on her cheek. "I knew he would."</p>
<p>"I love your positivity, sweetie." Dorothy cupped her face with both hands and stroked it lightly before letting go. “We better go. Have a goodnight and rest a little today.” </p>
<p>“I will.” Gwen nodded. “Bye, guys.”</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Gwen.”</p>
<p>She went in and closed the door as soon as they left.  Gwen approached the bed and leaned over to leave a long kiss on Blake's face. He looked pale and tired still. </p>
<p>"I'm here, honey." She said quietly, before moving away and walking over to the table in front of Blake's bed, under the TV that was attached to the wall. </p>
<p>She put the bouquet of flowers down there and took the old flowers — which were already dying — out of the vase, exchanging it for the new ones she had just brought. The flowers made the room smell fresh and good, and different smells were good for Blake's senses. Just as music helped him to exercise his brain, so she also turned on the speaker that was connected to his phone, playing a playlist full of old country songs.</p>
<p>“I had a good afternoon.” Gwen told him. “Do you remember our neighbor who came by to ask about Jack's bike? That bike that Adam had made for him. I decided that you were right all this time, Will should keep his bike, since the boy likes it so much and Jack is not here to play with it.” Gwen noticed that the water in the flower vase was almost running out and she took it over to the bathroom sink to fill it up a little more. “You should’ve seen his face when he saw the bike. It made me feel so good to be able to provide that kind of happiness to him.”</p>
<p>She came back and placed the vase on the counter, then removed the plastic that was wrapped around the bouquet to put the flowers inside. She had overfilled it, of course, so the water overflowed with the addition of the flowers and wet the tabletop. Gwen took a towel from the bathroom and came back to clean up the mess she had made.</p>
<p>“I made the baby's first prenatal appointment today too. I will talk to the doctor and say that we have to monitor this baby very carefully. I can't do anything wrong, I can't lose this little piece of you that is inside me now, I have to hold on to it, and I'm going to do it right this time.” She felt like crying, but she held on and swallowed that lump in her throat. “I want to make the baby's room in the old guest room. I don't want to use Jack's room right now, you know? It feels weird. And I also want to take the bathtub out of the common bathroom. What do you think about having a shower there too?” </p>
<p>Gwen was actually talking like she was having a conversation with someone, like she always did, but she was paying full attention to what she was doing. She had just lifted the flower pot to dry the water under it when she heard that loud beep coming from one of the big machines connected to Blake, but she hadn't even assimilated it yet when the first gaging noise came, and was followed by many others. </p>
<p>Gwen quickly turned towards the bed, just in time to see Blake struggling and choking on the ventilator tube. The water-filled vase fell from her hand and shattered on the floor, but Gwen didn't stay frozen for long, she ran to the door and screamed for help, then ran over to Blake's bed and pressed the button to call the nurses.</p>
<p>In less than 2 seconds Brad, the doctor and two nurses were running through the door. The doctor was the one who approached Blake first, the nurses checked devices and one of them ran out of the room again.</p>
<p>“It's ok, Blake, you're in the hospital. You are recovering from surgery.” Brad started telling him while holding his arms so that he wouldn't get hurt or knock everything over. “I know you're scared, but I need you to calm down and take a deep breath. I need to know if you can breathe on your own... Gwen?”</p>
<p>She winced at the mention of her name. Gwen was caught up in that very terrifying scene, not knowing exactly what was going on and if it mean something good or really bad, but the way Brad called her name made it clear that he needed help, and she was the only person there who Blake knew and trusted.</p>
<p>"Blake." Gwen approached the bed quickly and held his face so that he looked in her direction. </p>
<p>As soon as he saw her, he stopped moving so much and struggling, but his eyes remained wide. He kept looking at her as if he was seeing a ghost or something. She had never seen him so scared.</p>
<p>"I am here." Gwen said to him. "I'm right here." He grabbed her arm as if holding her there was the only thing that could save his life at that moment, and tears started to stream down the corner of his eyes.</p>
<p>Brad gave him a sedative injection to calm him down so they could access what was really going on with him, and then Blake's eyes slowly blinked, until they closed again, but his grip on Gwen's arm took much longer to really  loosen up.</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>When Blake opened his eyes again, he felt very drowsy and it seemed like his eyes didn't want to stay open. The room’s bright light bothered him, but when he tried to stare at something to study his surroundings, Blake realized that he could only see blurry silhouettes, and it bothered him much more than the bright light. At least the tube that was stuck in his throat before was gone now.</p>
<p>He tried to raise his arm to rub his eyes, but his whole body felt too heavy for him to move a single muscle.</p>
<p>"Hey man, how do you feel?" He heard someone ask, but he didn't recognize that voice. When the person came into view, Blake did his best to focus on that face. Everything was still blurry, but he didn't think he knew that man at all. "I'm Dr. Brad Kaur, can you tell me your name?"</p>
<p>Blake felt like his head was going to explode. "Blake." He tried to say it, but his voice failed and he only managed to whisper. </p>
<p>“Great, Blake. It's good to have you back.” The doctor sounded relieved and Blake thought he had heard other people sigh too. “Can you look at my finger right here?” He put a finger up and Blake followed it. That's right, good job.” Suddenly a brighter light stung in front of his blurry eyes. “Great, Blake, now can you move your toes?” </p>
<p>Blake thought that it would be an impossible task, but since the doctor was asking he tried anyway. Again he thought he heard people celebrating around him.</p>
<p>“This is great, you are doing a great job. Now, do you know who this is?” The man seemed to signal for someone to come over and the next person who came into his field of vision was someone he knew very well and he didn't even need a perfect view to know that.</p>
<p>"Gwen." His weak, broken voice whispered again, and Blake felt like crying. He remembered having a horrible nightmare in which he heard and felt her, but he couldn't answer her, and it was agonizing.</p>
<p>Gwen got close enough to touch his face and Blake tried to lift a hand to touch her too, but all he managed to do was move his fingers slowly. Gwen took his hand and her touch made his heart race right away.</p>
<p>"I'm here, honey, I never left you." When she brought her face closer to his, he was able to see her better and see that she was crying a lot. "I never gave up on you."</p>
<p>At that moment he had a brief flashback to the last time he had seen her face that close. He remembered his body not responding to him and the way he had fallen on the guest room floor. All he could see was her face, and he didn’t know what was happening, but he knew he was very afraid to die because he didn’t want to leave her alone. Now he was afraid and confused again.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Blake asked hoarsely in a whisper.</p>
<p>"I'm going to get the doctor to explain everything to you."  Brad informed, seeming excited. "This is unbelievable!"</p>
<p>Gwen laughed quietly, even though she was still crying. She didn’t remember the last time she had felt as happy and hopeful as she felt at that moment. “You had a brain tumor, honey. The doctors operated and they removed it all, but you were in a coma for 5 weeks, almost 6. We thought we were going to lose you. ”</p>
<p>"I'm right here." He whispered to her, closing his eyes again just because her presence soothed him so much that he now felt relaxed. </p>
<p>That made Gwen softly smile and squeeze Blake's hand slightly. “I know, baby.”</p>
<p>The doctor arrived in the room a few minutes later and ran a few more tests on Blake, to which he responded well. Everything seemed fine and on the right path for him to recover, the only sequels that had apparently remained were the blurred vision and the way Blake seemed to return to the past often, as if he was stuck somewhere in there. He often needed help from people around to remember crucial events in his life, such as Jack's death and his separation and divorce from Gwen.</p>
<p>He frequently asked about his son in the first few hours after waking up, until someone reminded him that Jack was no longer there, and then Blake tended to be a bit heartbroken for a few minutes. It was a cycle that was repeated a lot, but according to doctors, that should improve over time, as well as his vision.</p>
<p>It took Blake until the next morning to really seem like the Blake they knew before. His voice gradually returned to normal and so did his vision, even if it would often fog up still. He complained a lot about headaches too, but that was normal due to the craniotomy he had been through, and his swollen brain.</p>
<p>The doctors and nurses checked on him every fifteen minutes at first, and it made Gwen and Dorothy feel much better.</p>
<p>As for his body’s movements, it would take much longer to get to the point of getting out of bed alone, it was as if he had to learn everything again. But at least he had already managed to sit up for a while, and would start physical therapy soon. But he would only go back home once he was more independent and completely out of the woods.</p>
<p>"Will you stay?" Blake asked Gwen in the morning, when Dorothy went to meet Lionel to get them all some breakfast.</p>
<p>"Of course I will stay, I have stayed here all this time." She was sitting on the edge of his bed and Blake also had the hospital bed tilted up to sitting position. </p>
<p>They were holding hands with their fingers intertwined. It was as if neither of them wanted to leave the other now, since they had been away for so long, even if they were actually physically close. </p>
<p>“I am living in our house. Betty is back with me too.”</p>
<p>"Betty!" Blake softly laughed.</p>
<p>"She misses you." Gwen brought his hand to her lips and kissed his fingers. "I’ve missed you so much."</p>
<p>He suddenly took on worried features. "I don't remember much about when I was blacked out, but I remember your voice, I remember your touch, and I remember despairing because I couldn't speak to you, because I knew you were sad."</p>
<p>"Shh..." Gwen caressed his hair, but she was careful because he still had a scar on the back of his head. “Don't think about it, ok? It’s all over now. The important thing is that you fought to stay with me and you are here now.”  She said. “I can't even tell you how happy it makes me.  How happy you make me.”</p>
<p>"Sometimes I think I'm still stuck in a dream." Blake smiled genuinely.</p>
<p>Gwen didn’t remember the last time she had seen him smile like that. She still remembered how strange his smiles were when they reunited at the house. Still in the driveway, she noticed that it was like he wasn’t able to smile anymore. </p>
<p>Instinctively, she leaned forward and they pressed their lips together for a quick kiss. Blake stroked her face afterwards.</p>
<p>"It's not a dream, see?" Gwen smiled too, pressing her forehead lightly against his. "I also have to often remind myself it’s all real too."</p>
<p>But she was soon moving away from him and getting off the bed to give him some space. </p>
<p>However, that conversation had reminded Blake of something important he had been thinking about since he woke up.</p>
<p>"Wait, honey." He grabbed her arm and she turned back to him. “I have been thinking... I understand that my mind made Jack up. Or it was the tumor, or something. I know I imagined his presence, his laugh, the way he used to act and talk, but what about the feeling? I felt him, his hug, his smell...”</p>
<p>With that unexpected question, Gwen sat back on the edge of the bed and took Blake's hand. “Baby, you knew him too well. His voice, his laugh, his reactions to everything, and also you still remember how it felt to hug him, how he smelled, how it felt to have him in your arms... I know it because I do too. I remember everything. If I close my eyes, I can pretend he’s here too.” She said, being honest, but careful too. “Your mind made everything up. That’s how bad you wanted to see him again. That’s how bad you needed to say goodbye. Because you never did.”</p>
<p>Blake looked away from her and stared at the bedroom door for a second. "I needed to say goodbye." That realization hit him hard, like a punch in the stomach, and made perfect sense to him, but there were still so many doubts. “But what about the lights, the window, or the monkey changing places in the house? What about the cold inside the house? How do we explain that?”</p>
<p>Gwen knew very well that Blake would have a long journey of professional help to understand the visions and hallucinations he had had with Jack when he was ill, and knowing exactly what to answer to his questions was complicated, but she had been instructed to tell the truth.</p>
<p>“The doctors think you did it all. They said you probably moved the monkey, opened the door to the bathroom, the kitchen’s back door, the window in his room, turned on the dinosaur lamp and imagined the Christmas lights. But your mind didn't process it as if you were doing all this yourself. They said it was part of your hallucinations.” She explained. “And what do you mean by the cold in the house?"</p>
<p>"The house was always freezing, no matter how hard I tried to make it comfortable." He said. </p>
<p>Gwen frowned. “The house was always warm and comfortable, honey. It was never cold, at least not inside.” </p>
<p>This time, Blake seemed to understand that he was really imagining all that and there was no way that any of those things could be true. He trusted Gwen too much to not listen to what she was saying. "So you think he really wasn't there?"</p>
<p>Gwen felt her heart ache with the look of disappointment that Blake had in his eyes. She leaned forward and hugged him tightly, but carefully. “No, baby, he wasn't there. I'm so sorry." She kissed Blake's forehead. "But there’s someone here now who needs you too." She took one of his hands and brought it to her stomach. "We are having a baby."</p>
<p>"Wait, I thought I had dreamed of that." He slid his fingers over her shirt slowly. “Did you tell me that before?” </p>
<p>"I did tell you, but you were out." Gwen said.</p>
<p>“A baby, honey. We are going to have a baby!” Blake laughed and lifted his head to kiss her cheek.</p>
<p>Gwen was laughing too. "I'm so relieved that you came back to me." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm so scared this time."</p>
<p>“You don't have to be scared, you are a wonderful mother." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer into his embrace. "I love you so much. I will never leave you again.”</p>
<p>"I will never leave you again." Gwen repeated the promise he had just made, making it clear that it worked for her too.</p>
<p>They looked at each other for a second and brought their faces together to press their lips together again and exchange a tender, calm kiss. Blake caressed Gwen's tummy slowly and absently, knowing that their future was growing there. The new beginning that they so badly needed, and that they would cherish and nurture together forever.</p>
<p>"Coffee is here." They were so focused on each other that neither of them realized when Dorothy opened the door and entered the room, she needed to announce her presence loudly for them to interrupt the kiss they exchanged.</p>
<p>Blake's mother didn't care, though, she was excited that he was getting better and was happy again. She always knew that she would only see him that way again if he was with Gwen, and that was proof of that, even though he had gone through a lot of bad things to get there.</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>Between Blake's treatment and Gwen's pregnancy, the months that followed went on very slowly. Somewhere between May and August it seemed like time had frozen, but that also passed.</p>
<p>They remodeled the house the way Gwen wanted and set up the baby's room where used to be the old guest room. Jack's room got the furniture that used to be in the other room, but they had no intention of using it, unless it was very necessary. Only Dorothy was allowed to sleep there when she came to visit. </p>
<p>The spring in Truckee was very beautiful that year, the summer was hot and long, and on a stormy autumn night, Vida was born. A healthy little baby girl. She came into the world naturally and at the right time, and brought her parents one more reason to trust that new beginning they were exploring. Her name simply meant <em>life</em>, because it was exactly what she had brought back to them. A purpose, a meaning... their life.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Good afternoon, Mr. Shelton." Will biked past their house while Blake made his way to the mailbox. The green dinosaur bike had no break since spring, but it was finally getting too cold and too dangerous to ride it around.</p>
<p>It was mid December again.</p>
<p>“Good afternoon, Will. Watch out for the layer of black ice on the ground, ok?” He warned the boy and watched until he disappeared down the street, only then he paid attention to what he was doing again.</p>
<p>Inside the mailbox there were more Christmas and holiday cards than actual mail. He grabbed everything and went back inside quickly, it was very cold outside.</p>
<p>When Blake was already closing the front door, he heard footsteps on the wooden stairs and turned in time to see Gwen coming down the steps with Vida in her arms and Betty following them closely. The little baby wore a red long sleeve footie onesie and had a big orange pacifier in her mouth, too big for her tiny, delicate face. She also had a very small red bow stuck in the few very light brown hairs she already had.</p>
<p>"Guess who's already woken up from her nap." Gwen waved her head at their baby.</p>
<p>Blake laughed. "I see two people who have already woken up from their nap." He teased.</p>
<p>"Please, I barely had time to closed my eyes." She whined. </p>
<p>As soon as they got close enough. Blake wrapped his arms around Gwen and kissed the top of her forehead. "I’ll watch her." He said. "You can go back and rest a little more."</p>
<p>Gwen shook her head. "It’s ok, honey, I'm awake anyway." She lifted her head and looked at him with a pout. “Plus I’ve missed her.”</p>
<p>Blake leaned down and kissed her lips, then he caressed Vida's face, and notice she was quiet. The little baby's intense blue eyes watched the environment as she spent all of her energy to suck on that huge pacifier. That moment of peace and silence was very rare then. Vida was a completely different baby than Jack used to be. She was rarely quiet, she was loud, she demanded a lot of attention and needed to be around them all the time.  But it wasn't like they were complaining. They were both very tired, but very happy too.</p>
<p>"Oh you already brought the Christmas tree down."  Gwen suddenly seemed excited. "Are we going to decorate it?"</p>
<p>"Sure, I was waiting for you." He said. "There are a lot of Christmas cards to open, too." Blake looked down when he felt something. Vida had closed her little hand around his finger, which she barely managed to do all the way around.</p>
<p>“Oh no, she’s got me, honey. Now what?" He playfully said, and then ducked in front of Gwen, getting on his knee to play with their baby girl, but made sure to keep his finger on her little hand.</p>
<p>“Oh I don’t know, daddy, she got you.” Gwen softly chuckled. </p>
<p>"Let me go, Vida, I swear I’m not guilty." The baby didn’t move, except her big blue eyes, that followed him, paying full attention to what he was doing. "Do I need to bribe you, miss?" He moved closer to place many kisses on Vida's cheeks, then he went down and blew raspberries on her tummy, making the little baby immediately smile big, showing the dimples in her cheeks, which she had got from him.</p>
<p>Just that was enough to warm Blake's heart and make him smile. He didn’t need to have everything he wanted and expected from life, he just needed them with him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The afternoon was all about filling the tree with ornaments, placing the rest of the Christmas decorations and opening the cards from friends and relatives. When they finally finished, the sky was already dark and it was time to put Vida to sleep.</p>
<p>The last thing they did was to place the two baby's first Christmas ornaments side by side on the tree: Vida's and Jack's. </p>
<p>"Jack would be such a sweet older brother." Gwen had the back of her head laying on Blake's chest and he was hugging her from behind. </p>
<p>Vida was laying against her chest now, with her head on her mother's shoulder and Blake had one hand on the baby's back. Gwen was softly humming to her baby as she rocked her, and her nose slowly rubbed Vida’s cheek.</p>
<p>“I know, he would be crazy about her. Imagine him taking care of her in that gentle way he had.” He could easily imagine how Jack would protect his younger sister, but Gwen sniffing distracted him from his thoughts. "Don't cry, honey." He whispered to her and held up a hand to stroke her hair. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>"I'm fine." She disguised her crying, but not enough to fool Blake.</p>
<p>He knew it still hurt and it would hurt forever. That time of year was the worst, Jack was born on the first of December, he loved Christmas, and that month would be a year since Blake's operation and his coma. On top of all that, Gwen had just given birth, eight weeks ago. She was still very sensitive and her hormones were all over the place. He would have to be very gentle and careful with her that season, and he was ready for it that time.</p>
<p>"I bet he's taking care of her." Blake said quietly, lightly stroking Gwen's arm. "Wherever he is, he is looking after her." That made her sniff again, but Gwen nodded, no longer hiding the tears that were falling down her face.</p>
<p>"He's taking care of us all." She said. </p>
<p>Blake planted a long kiss on her cheek, in agreement to what she had just said. He really believed it was true. </p>
<p>“Hey, honey” He said it in a very low tone, making her turn around to looked at him. “I know this is not our happiest moment yet and that we still have a lot to figure out, but I just wanted you to know that I’m way happier with you by my side.”</p>
<p>Gwen softly smiled and nodded. Her free hand went up to his face and she caressed him. “We might have lost someone we can’t replace, but we found our way back to each and that’s how Jack would want us to be... together.” She said. “Without him, we would never have Vida.” She kissed their baby’s head. “I will never leave again, as long as you want me here.”</p>
<p>“I want you here forever.” Blake wrapped his arms around her for a hug, facing each other this time, and with Vida comfortably snuggled between them, almost falling asleep.</p>
<p>Betty soon joined then too, curling up next to their feet and wagging her tail happily, as if nothing meant home quite like when they were all together. </p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>***</p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>The calm and silence of the night was suddenly broken by a loud and painful cry that was transmitted by the baby monitor, and it invaded their ears as if wanting to shake their insides. </p>
<p>Gwen and Blake woke up at the same time, but her body rose up first and she sat up in the middle of the bed. Even in the dark, he could see that she still had her eyes closed, and he didn't doubt that she wasn't even fully awake, she was so tired that she must surely be wandering between dream and reality, not sure if that loud cry was really happening again, for the fifth time that same night, maybe more. The clock read 5:40 in the morning, and he didn't think they had slept even for a full three hours so far. </p>
<p>"I'll get her, honey, rest some more." Blake rubbed Gwen's back and encouraged her to lay back down.</p>
<p>"I need to feed her, honey." She sleepily murmured to him. "My boobs are going to explode."</p>
<p>He quietly laughed and lifted his torso a little to pull her to him. Blake wrapped Gwen with his arm and laid her against his chest, cuddling her for a few seconds while his lips made a path of kisses from her forehead to her jaw line, down the side of her face. She was so sleepy that she just wrapped her arms around his neck and let him do what he wanted.</p>
<p>“I'll bring her here, ok? You don't have to get up.” He said. </p>
<p>Gwen nodded slowly, with her eyes still closed. “Can you bring me some water too? I'm so thirsty.”</p>
<p>"Of course." Blake laid her back in bed, placing her head on the pillow. "I'll be right back."</p>
<p>"Ok." She murmured wearily. </p>
<p>He got up from the bed and picked up the baby monitor, taking it with him to the nursery, so the noises wouldn’t wake Gwen up. When he entered the room, he found a very upset Vida in her crib. The little baby was still crying at the top of her lungs and she was shaking her short legs as if she were running out of patience.</p>
<p>"I'm here, baby girl." Blake approached the crib speaking in his soft voice and lifted Vida up, laying her in his arms. "I'm right here."</p>
<p>He put the pacifier back in Vida's mouth and rocked her gently until the little baby was completely comforted and had stopped crying. However, the eager way she sucked on the pacifier indicated that she was really hungry, and it was best that he take her to Gwen soon before she started screaming again and made her mother get out of bed.</p>
<p>“Look, I don’t have what you want, so we’ll go downstairs, get your mom a bottle of water and I’ll take you to her, ok? It will be quick, we can do that.” Vida watched him with curious eyes as she sucked on her pacifier. She didn't seem in a hurry, but Blake knew it could change from one second to the next.</p>
<p>When he was about to leave, his eyes found Jack's stuffed monkey that was on the furniture next to Vida's cradle, as if he was looking out for her. That sight did something to Blake's heart. He felt complete.</p>
<p>He cuddled the baby in his arms and went downstairs to the first floor. The living room had all the lights out, except for the Christmas tree lights.</p>
<p>Blake heard a noise on the stairs and turned to look, thinking that Gwen was definitely stubborn enough to get out of bed even though she was exhausted, but it was just Betty who was following him. </p>
<p>He went to the kitchen, still rocking Vida in his arms and pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge. The baby fussed when the cold from inside the appliance hit her.</p>
<p>"It's ok, baby girl, we're going to mommy." </p>
<p>On the way back up the stairs, Blake ducked down by the Christmas tree and unplugged the lights. Only then did he, Vida, and Betty leave the living room. </p>
<p>When he reached the front of the stairs Blake looked at the first step and his head turned towards the unlit Christmas tree. Immediately his heart started to beat really fast. </p>
<p>Unconsciously he had waited all year for that season again, not because of the magic of the holidays, but for the hope that everything would happen again. He was still not completely sure that it had happened only in his head, it was too real. And he missed Jack a lot. But he wouldn’t tell anyone about that desire, or he could end up in a mental facility or worse.</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath to fill his lungs with air, he lifted his right leg and touched the first step of the stairs, but stopped there. The silence and stillness of the house prevailed. Nothing happened and it was still dark. Of course nothing would happen. Jack was not there, he was gone and he knew that. </p>
<p>While it was sad and it made Blake's heart ache, it was also a relief to know that his son was not stuck where he shouldn't be. If there was any kind of peace after death, Jack deserved that. </p>
<p>Vida whined softly and Betty was staring at him with her head tilted to the side, as if she was confused about why he stopped on the stairs like that. </p>
<p>“Ok, let's all go up and stay with mom. Come on." They made their way up the stairs and back to Gwen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jack lived the full life he had to live. Blake and Gwen would be forever grateful for the four years they got to spend with him, and they would never forget the love they shared from the moment he was born until the end of his short life, that love would live in their hearts forever. Jack was the beginning of their family, and everything they had in that moment wouldn’t be possible without him. Vida wouldn’t exist if Jack wasn’t there first. But the lessons learned after the boy was no longer with them, were as valid as all the good times they had with him, as painful as they were.</p>
<p>They had learned from Jack’s journey that people had their mission and many lessons to learn and teach in life. Some took longer, others didn’t need much time to fulfill their purpose. There would never be rules or explanations, only faith that no soul ever leaves this world without accomplishing its goals. At the end of the day, it wasn’t hard to understand that people aren’t much but a set of lessons to learn and feelings to feel. </p>
<p>There is not much we take from this life, and what we leave behind is nothing more than a deep mark on the hearts we’ve touched. That’s how Jack would live forever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The End.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>They’re home and it’s... Christmas. 🥺</p>
<p>I’d like to finish this saying you guys should have more faith in me, ok? Ok. HAHAHHAHA</p>
<p>No, I just wanted to thank you, and that’s it. Thank you so much, for reading, for caring, for giving me love (and some hate) throughout this whole journey. I appreciate you guys. ♥️<br/>Hope you guys come back to Bloodline with me now.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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